Surprise Phone Call

Well, Drew called tonight around 9pm.

We had a long talk...

He apologized for sending the breakup note to work email. Never admitted to the match thing. And he said he called because He misses Me! Yeah, my guess is he's sitting around all lonely and who is he gonna call to get to feel sorry for him? Me! Well surprise! no such luck!

He asked what I've been up to and I told him all the stuff I've been doing...work parties, high school friends, going to the gym regularly, pic with Santa w/Richard, possible upcoming sprint triathlons/team triathlons, as well as, going to the Whalers Game, Cheli's and Bailey's last night...oh and the few options I have for New Years Eve...

He was like, boy, glad/sounds like you've been keeping busy. No shit, sherlock...I'm not going to sit around crying over you!

I asked him why he took his match profile off...he said to cut back on expenses. He said before he did that he noticed I had a new pic on my profile. I told him that I thought maybe he met someone and was dating. He said no.

I asked him why he called tonight. He said he was just laying around and started thinking about me... He said he was going to text Merry Christmas, but didn't know how that would go over. Like a lead balloon that's how!

I told him that I thought I would never hear from him again, surprised that he called, that we needed to set up some boundaries and that I would never be able to go back to the way things were between us.

It felt good telling him all that stuff. I asked him a lot of tough questions and brought up a lot of things that I could tell made him uncomfortable. Oh well. I needed to say them and like I said, it felt good. The shoe was on the other foot and I had the leg up on him. Ha!

We talked about a lot more, but that's about it in a nutshell...

Am I nuts for talking to him? I know he's an ass and that he lied to me profusely, but... But I have been missing him as a friend...

Not to worry, not to worry....I'm not going to get sucked into his deceitful web of shit. And there is no way I would ever go back to him. There are far better things on the horizon for me! :)

I think if it was sooner or I hadn't been having as much fun as I have been, I would have felt much differently about Drew's call. But I'm in a relatively good place, so I was able to handle it very well...at least I think so.

I was texting Paul tonight...he's gonna call me tomorrow...we may get together on New Years Eve or at the latest a Piston's game this Friday. Can't wait!!!!

It was just a complete surprise to get the call from Drew...especially the day after my (Fabulous) date with Paul.

Match Date Marathon

Last night I went on a date with guy I've been corresponding with on match.com

He picked me up a little before 5pm and we went ice skating. We skated and talked for about an hour - neither one of us fell! Then we went to a Plymouth Whalers hockey game. We stayed for two periods then went to a local pub for some food and drinks. The first pub was packed, so we walked down the street to another one... We got a table and hung at the pub for a good two hours drinking, chatting, listening to music and watching the Wings lose. After that we started walking back to the car, in the rain, passed the first pub...he suggested one more drink, so we went in grabbed a beer and hung out in the cigar/couch area for another two hours. (good thing no one was smoking too much!) On the way home, he commented that we had been out for almost 10 hours...and it had been just about 9 hours from the time he picked me up...

We had a great time, talking, laughing...

He asked if I would let him take me on a second date...I said sure! :) So we may go out sometime this week or at the latest a Piston's game on the 2nd.

Definitely a possibility! :)

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas...from my house to yours!

Onward!!!!!

I feel so much better about everything. I have a new attitude and can't believe how much better I feel without all of Drew's negative vibes surrounding me. I'm happy and smiling…it's amazing.

In fact, today I just dumped Drew's shit on his work chair. Fair is fair, right? I haven't heard from him, so I put all his stuff in a bag and plopped it on his desk chair. It wasn't much…but I didn't need his stuff around reminding me of him. And he hasn't called, written or texted…and we were such good friends. Ha! Good riddance to the Cowardly Liar! ;D

I have had some great times over the weekend and this week…and I'm sure there are many more to come.

This past Sunday my friend, or rather my pseudo brother and I, went out for drinks and then got our pic taken with Santa. Aren't we cute?



Yesterday night I was out with some friends from high school - Tim, one of the guys I've been emailing was in town, so we set up an impromptu gathering. There was about five or six of us and it was really fun seeing them all. S o much so that I didn't get home until 2 a.m. I was telling Tim about a party tonight and he asked if he could be my date. I said sure! Weather is really bad today, so instead, he'll be coming over and we're just going to hang out catching up some more… Isn't he cute? :)


Things are looking up and I'm moving onward!!! :)

All of the Above

Wow...all week I was okay. I kept busy. I was happy. My spirits were lifted and my heart felt light.

Tonight...left alone with my thoughts and the fact that Drew hid his profile has me...very unsettled.

I'm sad.

I can't stop the tears.

I feel lonely.

I want to know why...why hasn't he called, emailed, texted...why he had to lie and cheat...why he had to be so cowardly...why couldn't he have just told me like it was. If he told me like it was, I would have been fine and we may have been able to be friends....

I miss my friend.

I really miss who I thought was my friend.

It shouldn't be this hard. It's just shouldn't.

And I'm hating myself for all of the above because I really do have to move on...

Moving On...

So Drew was dumped today by his fake online internet girlfriend, Tracy. A half hour later after Tracy said thanks but no thanks, Drew hid his profile on match.

Part of the dumping email said this:

Plus, it seems like you have a lot going on right now. You're just out of a relationship and it appears that you have a few other things going on. Not only that, but I felt that you were really pushing to talk or meet when I said that I wasn't ready.

Drew told Tracy that he was going swimming with a friend, to dinner then to watch her nephew play hockey. Tracy asked if they were more than friends because a guy won't typically do all that stuff unless he's interested in more. Drew never responded to that email.

Tracy's dump letter said this, too:

While match may be a way of meeting people, I've decided that it's just not for me. I was talking with one of my girlfriends about it and she made a comment about it seeming like people were on there ordering something online. You pick something, try it out and if you don't like it, you always have one or two or more backups ready and waiting to chose from. It's not the type of environment that I want to meet people in.

So who knows if it was Tracy's email, the fact that I accidentally looked at his profile when I was logged in the other day, whether he is just taking a break or if he met someone else.

One thing I do know is that Drew never, for a moment had his profile hidden when we were "dating".

I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does...

It makes me sad that he lied to me about his actions.

It makes me sad that I let this go on so very long.

But at least now I can begin the process of healing and moving on...

I just wonder how this will affect my next relationship and the trust factor.

Weight Lifted!

The drama continued today...

Lets sum things up.

12/11 Thursday
Tracy winks at Drew on match

12/12 Friday
11:45 pm I leave Drew's house
12 am-ish he emails Tracy via match and asks for more photos of her

12/13 Saturday
9:50 am Tracy emails Drew and among other things asking for his email and whether or not anyone is pining for his time

2pm ish Drew and I talk for two hours. Drew agrees not to go on match. I tell him I will let him know whether or not I can continue later.

10pm ish I call Drew and tell him that I'm okay with things, especially after our talk. We talk for about a 1/2 hour and make plans for me to go to his his place Sunday evening at 5pm

11 pm Drew emails Tracy and tells her no one is pining for his time that he is aware of and gives her his home email.


12/14 Sunday
9 am ish Tracy emails Drew a couple more pics, compliments him on his looks and tells him that she is glad he is not seeing anyone.

5pm... I cannot go to Drew's knowing what I know. I call a friend and talk for a couple hours...

5:18 pm Drew emails Tracy telling her he likes her pics and tells her he'd like to talk.

12/15 Monday
I get into work... Drew sent me an email from his home email addy to my WORK addy telling me we are done, that he needs a break, and who knows when he will be okay to talk to me again.

He sent the email to me at 10:30ish pm on Sunday....

8:50 am ish Drew sends Tracy an email asking if she knows my sis or me...and for her phone number. Can you say paranoid and not wanting to get caught again? Keep in mind that I told him my sis caught him on match around Turkey Day.

11 am ish Tracy emails Drew asking why he would ask such a thing, but no she doesn't know them. She also says that at this point she's not comfortable giving out phone number. She's looking for serious relationship and is corresponding with a couple men and at this point is still uneasy about the internet thing. ;)

Around noon Drew calls me and leaves a message asking if I am okay and why hasn't he heard from me. He says he is going to text and that if I don't call he is going to come by. Keep in mind, Drew is off of work for the year and I am at work...not at home. He texts me - r u okay? I call him. I was down at the cafe' getting some food, so I missed his initial call. I am livid...his phone rings...he answers. I ask what he wants. He says he wants to make sure I am ok since I didn't call him all weekend. Liar. I called twice Saturday...and why the hell didn't he call last night? I tell him that I got his email and that it said not to call him, that he didn't want to talk to me right now. Silence. I ask why he said he was going to come by...he said he thought I was home. Home? I'm at work. It's Monday. WTF? He says he thought I wasn't working. I think, okay, whatever you lieing sack of shit. I ask why he couldn't have sent the email to my home address where I could read the break up letter in the privacy of my own home. No comment other than I blew him off yesterday evening. My fault...okay... He says he can't talk about this stuff. I say fine, good-bye and hang up.

1 pm ish Drew emails Tracy and confirms, for certain, no one is pining for his time (yeah he confirmed I got the break up letter!), that he still would like to talk and that he hopes they can get to know each other better.

Nice...

Spinless Coward - break up with me via email to my work!!!! What a lame ass!!!! Then when I don't respond, he freaks and calls ME with some bogus bullshit cop-out about being concerned...when I know he just wanted to confirm I got his email...so he could email his fake internet girlfriend!

I was up and down all day today...

But I have to say I am more up than anything. I haven't really cried at all this evening.

Who needs that crap? Not me!

I know I haven't been the most upfront and forthcoming about the way things played out at the end with him. But I had to do what I did to put it straight in my own mind how crooked this guy was/is. I had to find out for myself. I had to know and now I do. If I hadn't had done this...I would have been in the same situation for who knows how much longer.

Tracy will end it with Drew in the next Day or so... He's too boring and old for her. She's fun and young and full of life!

I must say that it's like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. It's still not a good feeling knowing that what I thought was a true friend stabbed me in the back, but I do feel better knowing the truth and am glad that I am able to start moving on with my life.

Go to Hell

Not only have I lost Drew as a boyfriend...I've lost him as a friend, too.

I can't stop crying. I've been crying for what seems like hours now...

I know that Drew has betrayed me because I caught him.

I am not proud of my actions, but I set up a fake match profile two days ago and "winked" at Drew. Winking is a free way of saying you may be interested in someone and it's free. It's like "poking" someone on facebook I suppose.

Friday night after I left Drew's house at 11:45 p.m., he emailed "Tracy" around midnight and asked her for more pics.

I know this because as Tracy, I signed up for a free three days of match and read Drew's email. Tracy emailed him back. Tracy asked Drew some questions and asked for his email so that she could send more pics.

Saturday Drew and I were supposed to go get a Christmas tree for me... I was in no mood for tree picking after finding out about him emailing Tracy. I called him and told him that I didn't feel like going. He was pulling up carpet, so he was glad. He really didn't want to go with me anyway...it would have been too couples-ish for him, I'm sure.

Any who...during the conversation he asked if there was anything else I wanted to talk about. I said as a matter of fact there is but I'd rather not talk about it on the phone... Then everything just blurted out...the fact that he doesn't invite me to family things, that he doesn't accept my invites to family things, that I feel we are on two different relationship pages, that he runs hot and cold, that we don't do things with other people, that he is on match and my sis caught him, that the entire match thing just gets right under my skin...

We talked for over two hours.

He said that he wouldn't go on match. He said that I was one of his top five girlfriends. He said that he didn't want to lose our friendship. He said that he still couldn't offer me more than what we have right now. He said that he likes so many things about what we have and that I was so easy to talk to and get along with and that he didn't want to lose that.

Basically it came down to whether or not I could take a step back and accept our relationship for what he was willing to give. He pulled the fucking "twist" on me and I didn't even realize it! Meaning he put the ball in my court so that if anything ended that it would be put all on me and not on him.

Saturday evening I went out for drinks for a few. I called Drew when I got home. I told him that I thought about it and that I was happy with a lot of the things he told me and that if that was the case then I would be able to continue on with our relationship. He said okay. We made plans for me to come over his place around 5pm Sunday (today).

A half hour later he emailed Tracy. He told Tracy that no one was pining for his time....and that no one had told him they were pining for his time....that he hadn't met the one but has been trying to date....and gave her his home email so that she could send pics! And he was on match for over an hour...from 11 till after midnight...

WTF??? Two plus hours of talking and then email some fictitious biatch telling her he was available!?!?! As well as be on match after he told me that he wouldn't!!!!

Tracy emailed him back this a.m. She sent him pics and said that she was glad he was available.

I couldn't make myself go to his house this evening. I didn't even call him... I was supposed to be there...with some food at 5 p.m.

I haven't heard from him and it's 11:42 right now.

Drew is on match right now...

He is a liar. He is a cheater.

I wanted to continue to be his friend. I can't at this point.

He has stuck a knife in my back and twisted it. He has treated me worse than the dirt beneath his feet. He has no integrity. He is nothing that a friend should be and I have lost all respect for him.

If he had any balls what-so-ever, he would have told me that he understood that it wasn't fair to me to keep going the way we were, that he wanted to look for someone else, that he wanted to be friends and that is it.

I gave him every opportunity to come clean...

Instead, I caught him blatantly lieing to me...

He is still looking.

He is still on match....it's midnight.

He obviously doesn't care about my feelings.

I just don't understand why he spent all that time on the phone Saturday telling me this that and the other thing.

I told him losing his friendship was the worst thing that could happen...he agreed with me...

There is no turning back now...

His actions far out weigh his words...

I know my actions seem completely childish, but I had to know...I had to know and I had to find out once and for all that my suspicions were founded in reality.

Tomorrow I plan on stopping by his house after work. I am going to tell him that I cannot continue with anything. That he has lied to me and I will not tolerate it. That it is no wonder that his friends don't follow through on plans with him. That I cannot be friends with someone who blatantly lacks integrity and lies to my face. That I cannot be treated worse than dirt beneath his feet. That I think he is an asshole. And then I will leave. No room for question and answer time... He can be left wondering what I know and how I know it... (At this point, I'm sure there is much, much more I do not know.)

He doesn't deserve answers.

I won't lie...

I love him and I am going to miss him terribly...

But he can go to hell.

Liar

Long story short...

Not two hours ago I called Drew. I told Drew that I was good with the way things were between us. I told him I appreciated everything he said and was glad we had the talk earlier today.

I know for a fact that he is on match right now, that he has been on there for over an hour and is emailing another woman saying that he is not involved and has not found the one yet and has no one pining for his time.

What a fucking liar.

My heart is breaking.

I am devastated...

...and sick to my stomach.

What a liar...

And there I was falling for his song and dance just a few hours ago.

We talked for over two hours about everything that was on my mind...

He lied to me...

He lied and I am crushed...

Had the Talk

Boy, lots to think about...

No time to write about it now...but amongst other things, Drew did say that he would stop going on match...

So much to think about...but for now I'm going to a party with some other friends. :)

Aries

Planning on talking with Drew this evening. 

Here is today's horoscope, fairly appropriate…

Use your naturally warm personality to help melt the cold shoulder you've been getting from someone you work with or see daily. It's a fun challenge for which you are perfectly ready, right now! Send them a sweet email that offers some genuine compliments. Tell them what a cool person you think they are. Consider this your last chance to get through to them, because it just might be. If they don't respond to your overtures today, just move on. It's their loss.

Yup…if I don't like what I hear in response to what I have to say…

His loss. 

But I'll still be really sad.

Peeee-u!

Drew was planning on coming over tonight after a work party. I was planning on having "the talk" with him.

He showed up an hour and a half late. I told him that I didn't think he was coming over because it was later than I anticipated and that I did not even get a courtesy call from him saying he was going to be late. He was buzzed up...and defensive. It was not the time or place to be having "the talk".

He stayed over for a while... I made us each a sandwich since I hadn't eaten yet and he needed to eat, we talked about misc stuff and he was okay to drive when he left.

And no big surprise that he was on match or checked his email and looked at a match email less than an hour ago. No excuses for this one. ::shaking head::

Disappointed...again.

Any who...I'm going over to his place Thursday. I invited myself over for the sole purpose of having "the talk" even though I told him I want to see his new buzz cut. I am brave and deserve more and since both of us will not have been drinking...I am going to bring things up and have "the talk" with him.

A friend of mine gave me the book, "he's just not that into you" because...well...they want me to wake up and smell the coffee.

I've smelled it. It stinks.

So why is it that I'm still wishing he tells me I am reading his actions incorrectly. Why do I wish this when I feel in my gut how he feels about things. Why do I make up excuses in my head for him? Why do I want to be with someone who treats me like this? Why do I value his friendship so very much? Why do I wish...all these silly school girl things about him? Why do I torture myself over this day after day?

Gosh, I think I stink, too.

Music

I think I'm finally ready to face the reality of the situation between Drew and I.

Drew and I will never be anything more than very, very good friends. In fact, I'd have to say right now he is one of my best friends... I certainly hope it can stay that way.

And I hope I can get through this weekend without spazzing out.

Tomorrow is Drew's bday. We'll be spending the evening together. And I want it to be nice for him.

But Sunday I think we are going to have to talk about our friendship/relationship.

I deserve to be happy.

And I think I am Finally ready to face the music.

Short End

I was talking with Drew tonight...

Last weekend we had talked about him coming over Friday (tomorrow) after going over to his brother's for a birthday dinner. His birthday dinner...don't even get me started about him not asking me to come with him... And then spending Saturday evening together having dinner and relaxing together...

Tonight he says he's not sure what's going on tomorrow after dinner...that he may stay night at his brother's. Huh? Okay, so he does have swimming practice early out that way...but still. And then when I ask about Saturday, he teases that yeah we can spend Saturday together...

Drew is a big teaser, but it is really starting to wear on me.

I'm disappointed that he changed his plans and just told me tonight. Big whoop that he may come over...maybe not... It's the leaving me hanging that bothers me...even though he said that if something came up that I should go ahead and go out... Whatever. ::shaking head::

It seems as of late that I am constantly being disappointed. We are obviously on two different pages of the relationship book.

I want more and it is becoming more and more obvious that Drew is not going to give me what I want/need from him. Something has to give and it's not going to be me...

It would be easy for me to go out with someone else... But I don't want someone else, I have no interest in anyone else, I don't even want to look. I want to be with Drew.

Even though I want to be with him...I'm tired of getting the short end of the stick...and as time goes on there is less and less of the stick to hang on to...

McD...

Six months ago, I broke up with McD. (McD and I dated for over a year and broke up late April/early May)

Last night, I get a call from a friend/coworker telling me that McD got married.

Two weeks ago, I saw McD in the hall outside the cafeteria and he would not even acknowledge me...let alone say hello. WTF?

How am I feeling about this?

Both my friend and my sis, who I had to call and tell, asked me this... How do I feel about it? Good question.

I suppose initially I am shocked. Wow... Unreal...

After the initial shock, I thought... I hope he is happy. I hope he made a good choice. I hope that he didn't marry rebound girl. And then I thought: Rebound girl!!!

I also thought...maybe this is why I had been dreaming about him being with another woman and me watching in on him. Yuppers, in the last month I think I dreamt about him twice being with another woman and me looking on...

Today I find out that he was married in October, which means that he had only known this woman for what...four or five months... I just hope he knows what he's doing...especially since she has four kids and they live with them full-time.

I don't wish McD any ill will. I will say that I was completely floored to find out that he got married so soon.

I think I am floored becaus perhaps I am a little jealous of his happiness or what I perceive as his happiness. That he was able to find someone willing to commit themselves completely to him. Guess I wish that was me. NOT that I want to be married, but I do wish I felt as if I had someone I was happy with and able to grow old with... I don't want to grow old alone...that's one of my biggest fears.

I am happy for him. I guess I just feel sorry for myself and not entirely happy with the situation I've put myself in.

Sooner or later it will be my time... I know it. I just have to be patient.

In the meantime, I will rejoice in all the love and happiness the couples I know have together! :)

Here's to love and commitment!!!! :):):):)

The Ford Story

Check it out... http://www.fordvehicles.com/thefordstory/

Dribble...

Didn't bring up the match thing tonight with Drew...but that's okay. I've made enough comments over the last few days and I don't want to overwhelm the poor boy! ;P

Not really sure what I want to write about...

Turns out I am going to have to take my daughter for the birth control shot. She doesn't have anyone to take her. Even though she and her friends are 16 going on 17, none of them drive! Argh! Oh well. I'm okay with taking her. Jaba is an ass and if doing what I need to do to keep my daughter from having an possible uh oh gets me into court difficulties...so be it. My daughter is almost 17 and it's only another year of dealing with the b.s. of Jaba, so...whatever will be...will be.

Went out the other night with my sis. We had dinner with my mom, lobster - yummy!, then went bar hoppin'... When I got home the dogs had dug a hole in the carpet. Monsters! They are just monsters!!! Of course, it's not anyplace that could be easily covered up either. So I get home from work today and the hole is now through the padding! WTF?!?! I've been talking about ripping the carpet out, but sheesh! At least the hardwood underneath looks good. :)

Joined www.facebook.com a few weeks ago to find folks for my reunion. Not only did I find old high school classmates, I wound up finding lots of old IVF Friends!!! It's great! I lost touch with so many ladies...now I can see how they and their little miracles are all doing!

Still going strong at the gym. Been jumping rope, doing the elliptical, as well as, some weight training. I recently added running a couple laps around the track...so far, so good. If my ankles hurt, I stop doing whatever it is that's hurting them... Baby steps! I can't wait to be back running a couple miles a day... Gosh, I miss it...more than I ever thought I would.

Filled up the tank (as in the gas tank of my car) for $18.50 USD on Saturday!!! I had a little less than .25 tank and filled her right up! Can't believe it...just a couple months ago $25 USD barely gave me .5 a tank. I'm thankful for these little things.

...and that's about it...

You'd think I should be tired. I was so out of it this a.m...now I am wide freakin' awake. Completely unreal.

Tomorrow is another day! ;)

Added: OMG!!!! Drew was here, at my place, tonight. He told me that he was having computer issues today at home. He left around 10ish after the Wings game... He was just online - read a match email or something! WTF? This shit has to come to an end... I hate feeling this way.

This Way and That!

It seems I've been a bit testy lately. I think it has something to do with my sis telling me that she saw Drew with his "IM Me" on when she was helping her friend set up a profile on Match last week. We talked about it and I told him that it bothered me.

And even though we talked, sort of..., since then I've been pretty...well, not so good. I've been questioning everything over and over in my mind...and second guessing everything. And Drew made a comment tonight that I've been ... I forget what word he used. Not argumentative, but something like that.

After thinking about it, I'm sure this is (the whole match thing) what is at the root of me acting like I have been.

Drew has said that he has trust issues. Well, apparently, so do I!

Plus, after talking with my sis last night, she seems that I am about 10 steps ahead of him relationship-wise.

I could really love this man. I really could...

Looks like I'll have to tell him that I've been thinking about it and come to the conclusion that the match thing is bothering me more than I thought. And I will bring it up. I've been doing much better about that sort of thing....maybe that's why he thinks I am being testy? (again, he didn't use that word, I just can't recall what he said right now)

We'll see...

And for the readers....I hate to even ask this, but who from Milwaukee reads my blog? Just curious because Drew has a friend in Milwaukee and well, of course, now I am thinking all sorts of things... Bah!

As of late, my mind seems to be going in every direction...this way and that! ;P

McCotter Fights for Automotive Industry and Workers

Well worth watching!

I know.

So last week I met with my shrink and talked about the situation with my daughter's dad and his stance on not wanting to put her on birth control even though she is thinking about having sex...

Apparently in Michigan, girls 16 and older do not need parental consent to attain birth control.

My daughter will be getting a $20 bonus when I see her. Just so happens that a doctor's office visit co-pay is $20. Guess if she wants to she can make an appt. to get the three month birth control shot.

I never have to know. I never have to consent. I do not have to be the slutty mother who is encouraging my daughter to have sex because I want to protect her. (this is what Jaba thinks of me!)

Hee, hee, hee...

I never have to know...but I do!

Where to Stand

Last night I had the strangest dream...

I dreamt about McD. I dreamt that he was cheating on me. I dreamt I snuck into his house to verify my suspicions. I had a key and let myself in. I saw him and his kids with the other woman living the life that I was supposed to be living. I didn't want to get caught so I moved to the garage. It was morning and they were all leaving for work/school... I didn't want to get caught, so I nonchalantly came out of hiding and started talking to him. Before any real exchange occurred I woke up.

Very unsettling. Very unnerving. I had a very difficult time sleeping after that.

I didn't sleep well afterwards because I didn't think the dream was about McD. I thought/think it was more representative of my deepest fear about Drew. That someday someone else will be living the life I want to live with him...

Sometimes when we look forward to the future, we welcome it. Sometimes we fear the future and dread the coming of the morning.

I don't want to continue living in today, I do want tomorrow to come. I only wish I were more sure of what the future will hold for me. Such an impossibility.

Even when we welcome the future with open arms and have such high hopes and are certain things will work out for the best...that doesn't always happen. It's just a part of life. Sometimes our hopes and dreams are crushed. And there are times when we anticipate the absolute worst and are pleasantly surprised with the best. Again, just a part of life. Part of the bigger picture I suppose.

I guess when our view of the future lies somewhere between abysmal despair and glorious celebration...we have hope for the future. Hope that things will will work out and that we will venture forward without many battle wounds.

There is a part of me that says who cares how things work out; that being with Drew isn't the end all be all and that I should just live each day as it comes and not worry about things. But I don't know...

I guess I'm just not sure where I stand regarding my outlook the future (with Drew) right now. (sort of the opposite of what I said the other night about having hope, huh?!)

4 Laps

After a rough day at the office, I had to go to the gym...and it had to be a quick workout.

I jumped rope for about 16 minutes then jogged around the track...4 laps. It was only about .25 mile, but it was something...more than I've done in over two and a half months!!!

4 small slow laps for some...a ginormous leap for healing and towards my goal of running a marathon in 2009! :)

Hope

I've been sitting here looking at a blank screen for about 10 minutes. Just sitting...and thinking.

I should be in bed, but I'm not. I shouldn't have a glass of wine since it's so late...but what the hell...

This dance Drew and I are doing is...well...emotionally exhausting and completely confusing.

I could go on about the things that I think are positive and wonderful...and how much I enjoy being with him... But I won't.

I really and truly like this man. But sometimes the things he says to me are like a punch to the gut and knock the wind right out of me.

We were watching a movie this evening and the guy was all about him and his friend was telling him that he never truly opened up to his girlfriend and it was no wonder that she left him. Drew made some comment that he was like the guy and I should/shouldn't...shit, I can't recall exactly what he said. Basically, it sounded like he was saying that there was no hope for him to open up to me. I know he has trust issues, but I thought that we were doing good. And we always joke around with each other...and I mean a lot. He was hugging me and giving me little kisses which isn't the norm for him. So I don't know if he was being serious or joking around. Sometimes it is hard to tell and I've been wrong about him being serious when he was actually joking several times in the past.

We've already made plans to spend most of this upcoming weekend together... Friday night at his house, Saturday he asked me to come over to watch Michigan State game, then out to dinner and Sunday a.m. go to the gym together...

We made plans to go out next Wednesday evening.

We've made plans for his birthday in December.

Making plans is not something that we've done before.

We've been doing whatever it is we are doing for just over six months now...

I'm just so confused by his get close, pull away behavior.

I know I deserve someone who is 100% into things, just like I am.

A big part of me keeps hoping that Drew will be that someone...

There are times that he lets down his wall, his eyes shine bright and I can see that he is completely there...

Call me stupid, but I do have that hope that someday he will be there 100% all the time...

Run, Jump, Bike, Swim???

Okay, so the physical rehab was driving me nuts at first, but I'm happy to say that I'm doing much better now.

This weekend I started jumping rope and using the elliptical machine. I'm jumping for 15 minutes and going 2 - 2.5 miles on the elliptical. Not bad for only being back at it for two weeks. :) Plus, I'm back to my regular lift routine with some minor modifications. And if I feel any pain, which I haven't in days, I stop immediately.

I'm so glad that I'm not walking anymore...it was driving me insane. I like to go, go, go! Jumping rope is the best - such a great workout!

I'm very happy and thankful that I'm back on the road to recovery! :)

Should I mention that Drew keeps dropping hints that I should consider training for triathlon events? And that I am actually considering it??? I am not a swimmer, but given there are triathlon sprint events, I could probably swing it... Maybe once I'm running again I'll think about it more. I would have to learn how to swim from scratch...buy a suit, goggles, learn to breath in the water... Plus, I'd need a bike...my bike is trash...

Guess that's one of the reasons I've switched up my weight training...to build up my upper body a bit more.

Who knows, I could run a marathon and do some type of triathlon in the upcoming year.

A girl has to have goals, right?

Lost Cat

It was a sad, sad night...


I got a knock on my door while Drew and I were watching the Wings... It was a woman telling me that she thought that Zeus and Zoey had a cat in my back yard.


I run out back and sure enough...they are circling something furry on the ground. The animal on the ground appeared to be limp and lifeless. My heart skipped a beat and I screamed to the dogs to get away. It was difficult to see what the animal actually was because it was so dark. I was praying it was a rabbit...

Unfortunately, I was wrong. When I got to the animal, I saw that it really was a cat. It lay there bloodied and lifeless...


The ladies are looking over the fence asking if it is alive. I tell them that it does not appear to be.


Drew comes out and I ask him to go back in to get some plastic bags. I did not want to leave the cat. I did not want the dogs to get at it again and they were circling me and the cat like sharks circling bait. It seemed like hours before he came back out...


Drew finally comes back out and I manage to get the cat in a bag. I bring the cat in the house... It is not moving...nor is it breathing.


I dread the point in time I see a poster on the telephone poll at the corner of my block reading... Lost Cat. :(

Ostrich

I am an ostrich.

I stick my head in the sand when I do not want to deal with something that is potentially negative or difficult to deal with.

I do not like to deal with conflict or negative emotions... Never have...

Long story short, I have not talked with Drew. I know I should. I kick myself for not bringing it up.

Drew emailed me from his match account and I emailed him back today, so the door is not completely closed on the subject. But if I wait too much longer it will be.

I spent years and years watching my family dance around negativity as if it wasn't there... Just ignoring it. Hoping it would go away. Learn by example? Possibly. But at least I know what my problem is. I just need to find ways to correct my behavior and implement them. Key there is the implementation. I seem to be getting stuck on that part.

I also think the part of me that loves Drew doesn't want to know.

And I haven't written about this because I feel like I let myself down...you know, the small part inside that actually does want to know.

I waver back and forth on wanting to know and not wanting to know. ::sigh:: It's quite the argument in my head. You should hear it...it's not pretty! ;P

So right now...my head is in the sand waiting for the bell to sound that all is clear...

...like an ostrich.

Match...

For those interested, I'll update later tonight, promise!

Here we goooo!

Wish me luck...tonight I'll be talking with him about it.

Ack!

Me.

I deserve the best.

I will not settle.

If I'm putting in 100% into a relationship, my partner better well be putting in 100%, too.

I have to keep telling myself these things. I have to because I do deserve the best and I deserve a man who is putting in as much as I am.

I may love Drew, but I do deserve to be treated with the utmost respect.

Tomorrow Drew is coming over to walk dogs with me as long as weather permits. And I think we may have drinks Friday evening vs passing out candy.

One of the two evenings I must talk with Drew about the match thing even though I believe that the outcome will not be what I want it to be... I have to know what is going on for my own mental well-being. I have to talk with him face-to-face and see it in his eyes what the truth is.

And if it's not what I want to hear, as I suspect, at least I will know what I am thinking is true. And I will have to prepare myself to move on. As much as I care for him, I deserve better. I deserve to be with someone who treats me with the dignity and respect that I treat them with and isn't looking over their shoulder or peering around the corner to see if something better is out there.

(Why is it that I always think the worst and expect the worst outcome... I believe this could be a topic for another entry.)

It's time to be brave.

It's time to think about what is best for me.

I want to be happy all the time. I don't want to be thinking what if...about anything. I've thought that too long about far too many things and it's time for it to be all about me in the here and now.

Yes, it's time.

It's time things were all about....

Me.



P.S. Give me the strength to go through with this because I'm scared shitless beyond belief!!!!

What time is it?

Tick tock, tick tock...CHOMP!!!!

Yesterday I got home from work, made oatmeal cookies, fed dogs, took my daughter to shrink appt., came back home fed dogs and picked up cookies, went to Drew's, came home and made more cookies...

Some time between the first time I left to take my daughter to the appt and coming back from Drew's the dogs ate my watch! WTF? I had it laying on the counter and they snatched it off and mowed down on the face. It sitll works, but no glass to cover the hands.

I've been checking my wrist for the time all day...and nothing...

Before going to Germany, I hadn't worn a watch in years. Since then, I've been wearing one all the time and have gotten used to it.

Now I have no idea what time it is. Darn dogs!

Bike, Walk, Feel Good

Day two of working out....and it feels great!

Like I said in a previous post, it really does help my mental state of mind. :)

10 minutes on the bike, 20 minutes on the treadmill walking and some back/stomach exercises today.

I may not be roaring, but I sure am feeling good.

Meow

I suck. The match thing is bothering me again.

Looks like it's time to face the problem head on.

Not sure when this week, but I can't put it off any longer.

So much for all the rah, rah...and I am woman hear me roar.

Right now all I can do is say meow.

Back in Action

Wow, what a difference a workout makes.

Okay, so right now it's only the bike for 10 minutes and walking...but I have the GREEN light to start easing back into working out. That marathon next year is definitely achievable! :)

I sure hope this does something for my peace of mind. I was really starting to feel like a slug. Maybe this will help boost my spirits on a more regular basis and help me remain more positive.

When I was running I would run all my cares and worries away. I was able to think things through and push the garbage to the side without having it eating away at me.

I'm hoping that the time on the bike and walking (until I can start running again) will help my frame of mind and reference. Right now my frame of mind is no where near complete. I contemplate so many different things and let things get to me that I normally wouldn't. And hopefully by having (making) the time to rationally think things through I will be able to better face those things that do bother me which I cannot push to the side.

My workout time is my time when I allow myself to work through all the little problems in my life.

For the past two months, all the little problems have been building up and eating away at me. I didn't want to face them. Today I gave some thought to a lot of different things. It felt good. I don't know why I don't allow myself to face things/problems at other times... Maybe something I can contemplate tomorrow. ;)

I just feel really good right now. I mean, I know Drew was on match...and well, whatever. I mean it bothered me a little, but I told myself...self, get over it, you said you could deal, so deal and stop freakin' looking. :) Could be all those wonderful feel good endorphins that are coursing through my body right now.

I think working out helps me feel good about myself. I am woman hear me ROAR! LOL!! :D

Now I'm off to make dinner...and relax. And I will truly relax because...

I am back in action!!!! WooHoo!!!!

Willingness to Wait

Okay, so I never brought up the match.com thing this weekend... I know, I know... I should have. Looks like I am just a coward.

And I also know that what Mr. Big wrote is what I am floundering on. Am I willing to wait with the possibility of him realizing that I am the one and am willing to wait with the possibility of being left behinds?

As much as I do not like that he looks...the feelings I have for him out far weigh it.

I suppose that I am not confronting the situation because I don't want to lose him. I don't want to push him away...

I honestly believe that he has trust and relationship comittment issues. I say this because Drew has been 100% upfront with me so far...I have no reason to believe that he would lie to me.

Like I've said, the match thing is the only real thing that I don't like... I love the way I feel when I'm with him. I love the way he makes me laugh. I love the way he cuddles up behind me in the morning. I love the way he smiles at me. I love our witty banter...like an old couple who's been together for years. I love the way we can talk about anything and nothing. I love doing things for him and the way he appreciates me for doing them. I love how we walk the dogs, how he calls Zeus his dog, but won't pick up the poop.

There are so many little things that I love about Drew...which allows me to have a willingness to wait. Well, at least for now.

Blah

Well, if Drew is up to no good, he sure doesn't act like it.

Got in early this a.m. and he had already emailed me with a little xoxo at the bottom.  He doesn't do that too often, sometimes, but not all the time.  He calls me at lunch or right after work sometimes when he's really busy at work.  We spend most of the weekends together…  Blah, blah, blah…

Part of me feels bad about looking/checking the match thing all the time.  I think I just need reassurance that there is no funny business going on…

I just don't get it.  Maybe I am making big deal about nothing.  I have a guy friend who tells me that men do this sometimes and that I shouldn't read too much into it.

I don't know.  I do know that I'm frustrated and exhausted by the situation.

I need to focus on something else. 

If only I could run, I would run like there is no tomorrow...

Trust or Rather Lack of...

Is something I'm not sure I have in Drew...

Per http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/trust:

Main Entry: 1trust
Pronunciation:
\ˈtrəst\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, probably of
Scandinavian origin; akin to Old Norse traust trust; akin to Old English trēowe
faithful — more at true
Date: 13th
century
1 a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth
of someone or something b: one in which confidence is placed
2 a: dependence on something future or contingent : hope b: reliance on
future payment for property (as merchandise) delivered : credit furniture on trust>
3 a: a property interest held by one person for the benefit of another b: a
combination of firms or corporations formed by a legal agreement ; especially :
one that reduces or threatens to reduce competition
4archaic : trustworthiness
5 a (1): a charge or duty imposed in faith or confidence or as a condition
of some relationship (2): something committed or entrusted to one to be used or
cared for in the interest of another b: responsible charge or office c: care , custody child committed to her trust>

I know I've only mainly written about the good times, but I just cannot get passed a few things...

Drew is not 110% into our relationship like I am.

When we had "the talk" he said he wasn't actively looking, but if something came along who knows and that who knows how long our relationship would last...months, a year, 5 yrs, 10 yrs...

I don't want to look, I don't want to date anyone else... I've told him this. He's also said that he is good with the way things are with us as well.

Okay, so here's the problem... I have a membership on match.com that is good for another couple months... I don't go on to look, but I do respond to men who email me letting them know that I am dating someone. I get the emails from the site with potential and browse through them, but don't look or spend any amount of time poking around the site. Drew also has a membership...and he is on it ALL THE FUCKING TIME and it is driving me crazy. How do I know? I know because I view his profile without logging in... I can't help it. Is it right? No. But I just cannot help myself.

He has been logging in so frequently it's just ridiculous. He logs in both at work and at home several times a day... In fact, he's logged in after I have left his house after we've been intimate... And he's been logged in tonight since around 10pm with his "IM me now!" on and it's 10:25 now...

Yesterday when I got home from work, I checked on him, I saw the "IM me now!" on... I thought about it and then I logged in, IM'd Drew making an excuse for emailing someone that I wasn't interested and telling him that when I got done I saw that he was online, so I couldn't help but IM him. Okay, so I lied...a little. The guy I said that I was emailing actually did email me about a month or so ago... I had the old email, so IM'd Drew the profile of the dude...who happened to be in his late 50's! Any who...

Drew replied back he wasn't looking... Just poking around humoring himself. WTF?!?!

It makes me sick to my stomach. I know I shouldn't be checking on him...but I can't help it.

Trust is everything to me. Everything. Without trust there is no foundation to a relationship.

When we are together, it's wonderful and all my doubts fall to the weigh side. Well, for the most part... There are a couple things Drew does/doesn't do that I just don't understand, but I'm willing to look passed them.

Okay, 10:33 and his "IM me now!" is still ON!!!!! I'm livid...and hurt...and feel completely betrayed.

This Friday we are supposed to spend at his place...plans are to rent a couple movies and chill out. I cannot handle this any longer. I need to know what is going on. So I am going to bring up the logging in this week and seeing him with his IM on and how it bothered me. He doesn't need to know that I know that he is either online or on with his IM on all the time.

This is the one thing that just crushes me...completely and utterly crushes me. This is a man that I thought/think that I love...and when I see this match shit, I feel hurt, angry, confused... I feel lost. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me...even though I know that I am a good person and have given him 110% and more. I hate what this has done to me, making me a raving lunatic...but know I'm doing it to myself because I am the one who is checking on him!

Wow...10:48...still has the IM on... Is he really IMing all this time? Did he leave the computer on in the room and go watch the games (Wings / World Series)? What the hell is going on?

Actions speak louder than words....and right now his actions are speaking volumes to me... Speaking? Okay, they are screaming or perhaps the voice in my head is...run, hide, don't look back, get out now... ...do something, anything so you will only be hurt just a little, so while your heart will break it will be able to mend is some short semblance of time, so maybe you will able to salvage your friendship with him (ha, wishful thinking)...

I made a choice after "the talk". I chose to stick it out even though I knew he wasn't into things 110%. I chose to stick it out even though he admitted back then to clicking the match.com links.

10:58 he is logged off.

I feel so sad...and afraid of what is going to happen when I tell him on Friday that I was a bit bothered about him being on IM yesterday. I think that when I bring up this topic either I will find out that he really IS looking or that he HAS found someone else or that he will freak that I'm asking him about it.

I'm so afraid because I am so at ease with myself when I am with him and can just be myself.... Plus, I can accept his flaws, well, with exception of this match thing. I have never really had been able to do that with any other man. We get along so great and I am so afraid of losing it... I was really, really thinking he could be the one.

But I just cannot continue to live with this hanging over my head and lurking in the back of my mind...and continuing to feel this way...sitting here crying, feeling sorry for myself, wondering what the hell he has been doing online...

I have to confront the fact that I am having issues regarding trust....or rather lack there of...

Young Woman

My daughter's boyfriend broke up with her this past Saturday after the Homecoming Dance. He lives about 30-40 minutes away and apparently the distance is too much for him to handle... My daughter was heartbroken...

This was her first real big heart break... I felt so bad for her. As I sat listening to her, my heart was breaking for her. I wanted to make everything better. I wanted to take away her hurt. But there was nothing I could do.

As a parent, there are so many things that we are helpless with when it comes to a child. I hate that helpless feeling...

I know my daughter's heart will heal. I know that she will have a lesson learned from all of this. But as a parent I just want to make all the sorrow, pain, hurt, sadness, anger, uncertainty, questions go away and make everything okay. Unfortunely, I could not do that. All I could do is tell her that I'm sorry, that I wish she wasn't going through this, that while it may not seem like it now, there will be other guys and happy times ahead of her and hug her and just be there for her.

We sat on the couch for a while Sunday night...me just holding her. It was nice...it reminded me of when she was a little girl. I miss that...

Alas, she's no longer a little girl any longer.

Listening to her logically talk through things made me realize, once again, that there is no dought that she's definitely a young woman.

What's Running?

OMG, I cannot wait for these stupid ankles to heal. I had an appt last week and the orthopedic surgeon said at least four more weeks of healing. I have been extremely good and followed all directions, have been drinking my soy protein and even added calcium and D supplements to my daily routine.

I am going into running withdrawals here... I haven't ran since August 29th and I'm losing it!!!! No running and no jump roping. No cardio at all! ACK!!!! I can't take it much longer.

I did buy some dumbbells last week. I started doing some lifting in the evenings at home....but it isn't the same as the runners high I used to get. I feel like a lump and I know it is going to be a slow tedious recovery.

Orthopedic surgeon said I will only be able to do recumbent bike for five minutes at a time adding two minutes each week. It will be excruciatingly slow to get back to where I was... Running 20-25 miles a week.

Right now it's been so long that all I can think is...What's running???

Gone Fishin'

A couple Fridays ago Drew and I went fishing. A buddy of his backed out and he asked me if I wanted to go and I said sure.

Drew packed up the fishing boat and came over for the night. We got up at 5 a.m. and were out the door by around 5:30 a.m. I don't even get up that early to go to work! LOL!!! Anyway, we launch the boat, it's freezing on the water and toddle around till Drew finds a good spot.

Drew sets up our poles and asks me to show him how I cast. I cast the line... Not bad...I think he was impressed that I could cast! ;P So, Drew catches the first fish, a pike. He takes it off the lure and throws it in. We stay in that spot a little while longer and are talking. I don't bother looking at my pole and realize that I may have a fish... I tell Drew that I think I may have something...and hand him the pole. He tries reeling it in, but it gets away before we get it to the boat.

We move to a new spot. Drew catches the next fish, another bass, and throws it back. We stay a little while longer and we are talking again and I say, I think I have another fish! I pull my rod up one or two times...Drew reminds me to reel... Ah yes, that all important reeling in of the fish...doh! I guess I was quite a sight because he was laughing, I was laughing and the fish wasn't getting any closer to the boat. It wound up being a small bass. The hook was way inside, so we cut it out and threw the fish back.

We move around two or three more times...no luck. But then I get a whopper on the line. Again we were chatting and I wasn't paying attention. I go crazy with the rod again and Drew reminds me to reel and not raise the rod up... So what do I do, raise up the rod, of course! LOL!!! The fish gets closer...it's huge!!! I try reeling and reeling and raise the rod again...and what happens? The freakin' line breaks! The bass is 10 ft from the boat and it got away! Sheeot! The one that got away!!!!

Again we move around a couple times...at the end of the day, Drew caught two and I caught four. He couldn't believe that I even caught anything given my while reeling in of the fish technique... Apparently it's all luck!

We wound up being out on the water for a long while... It was a lot of fun. More fun than I thought it would be. And I got more fish than Drew. WooHoo! Sue the Fisher Woman! LOL!!!

Any who...where was I going with this... Oh yes, Drew said he would want a rematch. No problem, I tell him.

Yesterday Drew was over for dinner and watching the Presidential Debate. While we were eating he asks if I want to go fishing again on Friday. I tell him I need to check vacation time and with boss man.

So looks like we are going fishing on Friday. Can't wait to out fish him again... It should be fun and the weather will be warmer. Supposed to be low 70's on Friday. He'll come over tomorrow night, we'll watch the Detroit Red Wings season opener, get to bed early and head out early Friday a.m.

Guess I'll have to set up my work out of office message again to read...

"Gone Fishing.........."

And yes, I really did set the last one to start out like that! ;P

Mom, this isn't comfortable, but..

...you said that if I ever needed to talk to you about this, that I could.

Me: Okay, what is it you want to talk about.

Daughter: Well, I think I want to go on the pill.

Me: (while washing dishes with my back to her, mouth gaping open, trying not to miss a beat) Oh...

Daughter: Yeah...

What a freakin' shocker! This happened last week. Basically, my daughter doesn't want to have sex until she is married, but wants to be safe.

So she's thinking about it. And I think that she is moving towards having sex vs. waiting until she is married.

We had a long discussion. Thank goodness we have such an open relationship. My parents never talked to me about sex...let alone birth control...

During the talk, she told me that Jaba and Donkey Face think that by telling her that she should come to me for birth control that I am encouraging her to have sex. WTF?! I don't want my 16 / 17 / 18 yr old coming to me and saying, "mom, I'm pregnant...." Wanting her to be safe does not mean I am encouraging her...

Any who... I told her that I would make an appt with my ob/gyn so that she could weigh her options. I also told her that I would be calling her father to talk about it.

So I called Jaba. We had a good discussion for about 20 minutes...no yelling, no hanging up... I made it seem like it was all on him on what we should do and stressed many times that I thought we needed to show our daughter that we were united on this front. I also talked to him about the conversations I have had with her in the past and that I was floored and not ready for the "I want to go on the pill" conversation. Her dad said everyone was doing it at 15 /16 when he was a kid... I told him sex was the farthest thing from my mind at that age...which it was...I wanted nothing to do with sex (far different story today...lol!!!!)

I think the only reason the conversation went well was because I spun things to be all his idea/his decision/his everything...

It just pissed me off that he would even think I could consider encouraging my daughter to have sex at such a young age. I'm doing everything I can to make her not want to have it... Unreal, but I suppose I shouldn't expect anything less from such a dumb ass...

I'll be taking my daughter to the ob/gyn on Thursday. Hopefully, Dr. M. can help my daughter make the right choice as far as birth control...as well as, make her realize that boys her age only care about sex and not love...

I guess I'm just fearful that she thinks she has to have sex to keep a boyfriend... I know when I was her age, I did some really weird shit to get a guy's attention. Plus, she doesn't have the most positive relationship with Jaba... And she has had quite a few boyfriends over the past year...

I have to say that this is not comfortable for me either...as a parent I always strive to do what is best for my daughter... In a way I feel like I've failed, but in another I feel like I've succeeded...I mean she is talking with me, so that's extremely good... I guess I'm scared... And I don't want my little girl to grow up...I'm not ready for her to grow up. I just want her to make the best choices possible and not have any regrets.

It's definitely not easy and I'm sure it's not going to get any easier as time goes on...