Go to Hell

Not only have I lost Drew as a boyfriend...I've lost him as a friend, too.

I can't stop crying. I've been crying for what seems like hours now...

I know that Drew has betrayed me because I caught him.

I am not proud of my actions, but I set up a fake match profile two days ago and "winked" at Drew. Winking is a free way of saying you may be interested in someone and it's free. It's like "poking" someone on facebook I suppose.

Friday night after I left Drew's house at 11:45 p.m., he emailed "Tracy" around midnight and asked her for more pics.

I know this because as Tracy, I signed up for a free three days of match and read Drew's email. Tracy emailed him back. Tracy asked Drew some questions and asked for his email so that she could send more pics.

Saturday Drew and I were supposed to go get a Christmas tree for me... I was in no mood for tree picking after finding out about him emailing Tracy. I called him and told him that I didn't feel like going. He was pulling up carpet, so he was glad. He really didn't want to go with me anyway...it would have been too couples-ish for him, I'm sure.

Any who...during the conversation he asked if there was anything else I wanted to talk about. I said as a matter of fact there is but I'd rather not talk about it on the phone... Then everything just blurted out...the fact that he doesn't invite me to family things, that he doesn't accept my invites to family things, that I feel we are on two different relationship pages, that he runs hot and cold, that we don't do things with other people, that he is on match and my sis caught him, that the entire match thing just gets right under my skin...

We talked for over two hours.

He said that he wouldn't go on match. He said that I was one of his top five girlfriends. He said that he didn't want to lose our friendship. He said that he still couldn't offer me more than what we have right now. He said that he likes so many things about what we have and that I was so easy to talk to and get along with and that he didn't want to lose that.

Basically it came down to whether or not I could take a step back and accept our relationship for what he was willing to give. He pulled the fucking "twist" on me and I didn't even realize it! Meaning he put the ball in my court so that if anything ended that it would be put all on me and not on him.

Saturday evening I went out for drinks for a few. I called Drew when I got home. I told him that I thought about it and that I was happy with a lot of the things he told me and that if that was the case then I would be able to continue on with our relationship. He said okay. We made plans for me to come over his place around 5pm Sunday (today).

A half hour later he emailed Tracy. He told Tracy that no one was pining for his time....and that no one had told him they were pining for his time....that he hadn't met the one but has been trying to date....and gave her his home email so that she could send pics! And he was on match for over an hour...from 11 till after midnight...

WTF??? Two plus hours of talking and then email some fictitious biatch telling her he was available!?!?! As well as be on match after he told me that he wouldn't!!!!

Tracy emailed him back this a.m. She sent him pics and said that she was glad he was available.

I couldn't make myself go to his house this evening. I didn't even call him... I was supposed to be there...with some food at 5 p.m.

I haven't heard from him and it's 11:42 right now.

Drew is on match right now...

He is a liar. He is a cheater.

I wanted to continue to be his friend. I can't at this point.

He has stuck a knife in my back and twisted it. He has treated me worse than the dirt beneath his feet. He has no integrity. He is nothing that a friend should be and I have lost all respect for him.

If he had any balls what-so-ever, he would have told me that he understood that it wasn't fair to me to keep going the way we were, that he wanted to look for someone else, that he wanted to be friends and that is it.

I gave him every opportunity to come clean...

Instead, I caught him blatantly lieing to me...

He is still looking.

He is still on match....it's midnight.

He obviously doesn't care about my feelings.

I just don't understand why he spent all that time on the phone Saturday telling me this that and the other thing.

I told him losing his friendship was the worst thing that could happen...he agreed with me...

There is no turning back now...

His actions far out weigh his words...

I know my actions seem completely childish, but I had to know...I had to know and I had to find out once and for all that my suspicions were founded in reality.

Tomorrow I plan on stopping by his house after work. I am going to tell him that I cannot continue with anything. That he has lied to me and I will not tolerate it. That it is no wonder that his friends don't follow through on plans with him. That I cannot be friends with someone who blatantly lacks integrity and lies to my face. That I cannot be treated worse than dirt beneath his feet. That I think he is an asshole. And then I will leave. No room for question and answer time... He can be left wondering what I know and how I know it... (At this point, I'm sure there is much, much more I do not know.)

He doesn't deserve answers.

I won't lie...

I love him and I am going to miss him terribly...

But he can go to hell.