Where to Stand

Last night I had the strangest dream...

I dreamt about McD. I dreamt that he was cheating on me. I dreamt I snuck into his house to verify my suspicions. I had a key and let myself in. I saw him and his kids with the other woman living the life that I was supposed to be living. I didn't want to get caught so I moved to the garage. It was morning and they were all leaving for work/school... I didn't want to get caught, so I nonchalantly came out of hiding and started talking to him. Before any real exchange occurred I woke up.

Very unsettling. Very unnerving. I had a very difficult time sleeping after that.

I didn't sleep well afterwards because I didn't think the dream was about McD. I thought/think it was more representative of my deepest fear about Drew. That someday someone else will be living the life I want to live with him...

Sometimes when we look forward to the future, we welcome it. Sometimes we fear the future and dread the coming of the morning.

I don't want to continue living in today, I do want tomorrow to come. I only wish I were more sure of what the future will hold for me. Such an impossibility.

Even when we welcome the future with open arms and have such high hopes and are certain things will work out for the best...that doesn't always happen. It's just a part of life. Sometimes our hopes and dreams are crushed. And there are times when we anticipate the absolute worst and are pleasantly surprised with the best. Again, just a part of life. Part of the bigger picture I suppose.

I guess when our view of the future lies somewhere between abysmal despair and glorious celebration...we have hope for the future. Hope that things will will work out and that we will venture forward without many battle wounds.

There is a part of me that says who cares how things work out; that being with Drew isn't the end all be all and that I should just live each day as it comes and not worry about things. But I don't know...

I guess I'm just not sure where I stand regarding my outlook the future (with Drew) right now. (sort of the opposite of what I said the other night about having hope, huh?!)