Reboot

I’ve been wanting to write for a while now. Unfortunately, the words don’t seem to come. I really want to… 

Ever since the beginning of the COVID-19 it’s almost like I feel lost. It’s almost like I’m stifled. 

I want to write, I want to inspire, I want to but…

The words… won’t… come…

Instead of inspiring, I find myself joking and not at all being serious.

To be honest, I find myself distancing from anything inspiring. I haven’t been reading my Bible. I haven’t been reading the multiple books I own.  I haven’t been reaching out to all my peeps.

I… Haven’t… Been…

I want to, but I haven’t been.

The only thing I can think about to get me out of this funk I’m in is to reboot myself. 

You know, a reboot.  Like when you turn your computer on and off when it’s not working or you shut your phone down when an apps not working correctly. 

I’m not functioning like I should be, so I’m rebooting myself today. 

Stop. 

Reboot. 

Take a step back. 

Be still.  

Now it’s time to go #BeHappy and #FindTheJoy. 

Pray. Always Pray.

There are times dealing with a chronic disease leaves me feeling less than victorious.

I spent a small portion of my yesterday calling specialists.

I was able to schedule an appointment with a new Dr in March, I was told that another Dr has 500 other patients in front of me (no thank you for the wait), that another Dr’s next available appointment is in June (no thank you) and I’m waiting to hear from another tomorrow.

I’m not looking for any ole neurologist.  I’m looking for the best.  I’m looking for those accredited in head pain…. UCNS diplomats.  United Council for Neurologic Specialities.  From UCNS.ORG site:  “Achieving subspecialty certification though the UCNS is the recognition that a physician has met the requirements and standards of knowledge set by experts in the subspecialty and with the oversight of a peer-reviewed process.”  

After trying over 25 meds – preventatives and abortives combined, all on every migraine med site I’ve found….  It’s hard to believe that another Dr will have something new to tell me.  My current and previous neurologists are UCNS certified as well. 

I’ve done it all.  I’ve literally tried it all.  Literally over 25 different medications – preventatives (taken to prevent migraine) and abortives (taken at the onset of a migraine to eliminate or lessen the symptoms).  This is not including alternative treatment like acupuncture and vitamins/minerals.

Okay, maybe the only thing I haven’t tried is some crazy brain surgery.  Um… No thank you.

I don’t want your pity.

I want your prayer.

If you’re not a believer.  Pray anyway.  I’m begging you to pray anyway.

If you’re not a believer or not sure how to pray, you can say the following in your mind or out loud for no other reason other than I need you to say it and that I truly believe it will make a difference:

“Dear Heavenly Father, I am not sure about this, but Sue asked me to pray for her to you.  She believes in you and I am doing this for her.  Please ease her suffering and bring her back to us.  Thank you and in Jesus’ name, amen.”

My Normal

I look normal on the outside.  Walking by me, you would think I was like everyone else.  This weekend at church, walking in with my sunglasses (because I had been crying), favorite boots and jeans (to hopefully make me feel somewhat human), someone said to me, “You always look so glamorous.”  My honest response, “It’s all an act…” as I looked back and then walked toward the auditorium with more tears in my eyes.

Underneath the surface, I am not like everyone.  I have an invisible disease called chronic migraine.  The daily struggles I encounter aren’t what one would consider to be a normal handicap.  

I walk.  I talk.  I laugh.  

I struggle putting sentences together sometimes.  So there are times I may pause or not make sense.

My memory fails me more times than I care to admit.  So I may not remember a conversation or email from the day before.

I have super human sensitivity to light, sound and smell…oh the smells…. 

There are times the sound of crushing a piece of paper or chip bag sounds like dynamite.  There are times when the rushing water from the faucet sounds louder than Niagara Falls. There are times when a pin prick of light in the darkness seems like a super nova.

I often walk around in a fog.  So if I seem ambivalent, it’s not because I don’t care.  It’s because I’m incapable of acknowledging all that is going on around me.

Concentration is a gift I am thankful for on my good days.  If it seems like I’m struggling to listen, it’s because I am struggling and not that what you are saying isn’t important.

I experience some level of head pain daily and sometimes multiple times per day at different levels.  

How do you explain that it feels like an ice pick is coming out of your left eye?  Other than saying that, I’m not sure. It doesn’t burn or throb.  It only exists. 

This disease leaves me exhausted at the end of the day.  If I cancel plans, it’s not because I want to, it’s because I have to.

I hoard candy-canes.  If you see me with one and it’s not Christmas, it’s because the pain is so bad that I’m nauseous.  (Peppermint is a natural anti-nausea remedy)

If I miss work, it’s because I can no longer take the pain another single moment.

I will never “get well”.  My disease is not curable.

I don’t go to the ER because they treat me like a drug addict.

To break a long cycle of pain, I have to sign a waiver for the medication they give me.

I don’t want or expect sympathy.  

I am my worst critic and often blame myself and feel less than worthy. 

I know it’s okay to not be okay.

I pray this disease is not part of my legacy.  

I pray that my daughter, her children and those to come, are not afflicted with this burden.  (Although I know my daughter already suffers from them.)

This is my normal.

Trust

I’m not sure about you. But when I’m in “the middle” of the crisis of the moment and I pray for help or direction...I want a way out...like right freaking now!  

I don’t want to wait. 

I don’t want to be patient. 

I want a way out now.  

Today.  

At this moment.  

And not a moment longer.

But I have to remind myself that God works in His time, in His way and at His pace.  

I have to remind myself that my plan is not His plan.  

I have to remind myself that as much as I want a way out this very second... 

That I must trust that I may not get it and that I may not get it for my own good. 

I have to trust that waiting for His plan to unfold is the best thing for me.

I have to trust that He is doing what I can’t.

I have to trust the He is doing what I won’t.

I have to trust that I don’t have to do things alone and that He is with me now, that He will be and that He has been all along.

I have to trust that as much as I want to be in control...that I am not.

I have to trust that He hears me and is working for my good.

I have to trust to #BeHappy and #FindTheJoy.

Grounded

I’ve grounded myself. It’s been a rough week and a rough day. I snapped at people I shouldn’t have and my reactions haven’t been in line with my values and beliefs. So I’m grounded. I’m taking time to be still and recalibrate. Sometimes we have to be grounded to #BeHappy and #FindTheJoy.

That was my facebook post today. 

This week has been very stressful.  I am overly anxious.  I am over-reactive. 

I’m not sure what to do, but snapping at people isn’t the answer.  Today’s migraine didn’t help things either, it made me over emotional .  To top things off, I stress ate a ginormous chicken Greek salad for lunch.  

Reacting and stress eating…yea, that’s the way to get by.

Anxiety, pain, fear, anger and every other negative emotion, all have a way of clipping our wings.  When our wings are clipped we cannot fly.  

When we cannot fly, we aren’t free.

When we are not free…we look to blame others.  But there are times when there is no other. It’s us.  It’s the person looking back at us in the mirror.  We have to stop deflecting.

Sometimes we have to ground ourselves.  We have to take a pause.  We have to take time to stop and reflect.  Take time to consider how we can respond in these situations in the future.

These times are both terrible…and wonderful.  They are truly needed.

So ground yourself when you have to.  Take time to stop and reflect.  

Being grounded will surely bring you joy.

Testimony...My Why

Peace.  It’s something I had been looking for my entire life.  Until I found the Lord, my life contained anything but peace…. And even today, there are times I look in the mirror and am not happy.  There are times I’m ashamed of the woman I see staring back at me.  The life I’ve led up until several years ago was not the life I thought I would have.  

I never felt good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough, caring enough, kind enough…  And at the same time I felt too aggressive, too needy, too shameful, too clingy, too controlling, too pitiful…

Something was always missing.  So, to fill the void, I turned to men and material things. But I was never happy.  Never satisfied.  That void inside my heart grew bigger and deeper the harder I tried.  The harder I tried, the more shame I felt.  

Fast forward to today… My life isn’t all butterflies and rainbows, but that’s okay.  I know God has my back.  And I know that my church family has my back, too.  

So, what finally stopped the cycle?  God.  I had finally opened myself to God.  Instead of slamming the door shut in God’s face, I had finally FINALLY accepted his invitation to begin a relationship with Him.  A real honest to goodness relationship with Him.

My way of life had always centered around me…it was all about doing what I wanted when I wanted to make myself feel better.  Instead of feeling better, all I was doing was diving deeper and deeper into sin and further and further away from God.  I finally began to find peace when I shifted my focus from myself to God.

I became cognizant, I mean really biblically cognizant, of right and wrong.  I began choosing to be happy and looking at the positive side of things.  I chose to go back to some of those I wronged and apologized.  I started walking the walk He had planned for me.

I can see that God is working through me and in me…. He knows where my heart is and how I long to help other women like myself pull themselves up from where ever they used to be and shine in his glory. 

I pray that everyone can feel and experience the relief and joy of relinquishing control to God.  Getting connected, serving, giving back…  Because it’s not about us.  It’s about God.  Once we intentionally give control…complete control…to God is when we find and are filled with His spirit.

Exit 26

A few weeks ago, I decided to give my daughter and son-in-law my car.  I left work early to pick up my new car and finalize everything which would enable them to take my old car.

All of my plans changed right before Exit 26 on I75N.

I drove along on I75 North, from work,  with my speed control set at 70 mph while enjoying a private Jermey Camp concert sponsored by Spotify.  I wasn’t even half way home when I felt this weird push.  I wasn’t sure what was happening.  I looked over to my right and found a man driving a grey/silver vehicle staring directly at me.  His car was pointing directly at me vs driving straight down the expressway.  He was spinning out of control and I was eerily calm.  

There was one moment when I sensed I wasn’t going to make it and I thought “Oh God, help me. I’m not ready to die.”  After that moment, the other driver spun, literally spun, away from me and off of the expressway into the ditch.  I somehow  pulled over onto the shoulder.

When I got out of my car, a calmness fell over me.  Either that or I told myself to get it together.  Possibly a combination of the two.

I wasn’t crying.  I wasn’t angry.  I wasn’t anything…other than okay.  I was okay.  I don’t even have words to explain it.  I wanted to cry.  I tried to cry.  I couldn’t cry.  I was completely calm.  So weird.  Any who, I digress…

Another car had pulled over behind me and one in front of me, so I got out of my car and headed back towards the car which hit me and was somewhere in the ditch.  I had no idea what was going to happen or what I was walking towards, but back I went.  Only when I was walking did I think about calling 911.  So back to my car I went.  My phone was still connected to the USB…. I grabbed it, tried to unlock it while quickly walking back to the other driver who’s condition was unknown.  

I came upon the SUV which pulled over and saw/confirmed that the woman was on the phone with 911.  I stopped fumbling with my phone and on I went, back towards the other vehicle.

Before I knew it there were four people on the side of the expressway I was walking towards.  I asked how the driver was and the tallest young man said that he was driving.  I asked if he was okay and he said he wasn’t.  I looked him up an down and he had some, what looked like brush scratches on his calves and his socks were wet.  He had on some what I call shower sandals and had walked out of a ditch, so those scratches were to be expected.  Other than that, he appeared okay.  I asked again if he was alright and he said no.  

At this point, I’m thoroughly confused.  The other driver didn’t know he hit my car. How could this be?  Then he states he’s been drinking and that he’s in trouble.  Without thinking I tell him he’s right. He says he’s gotta go and I tell him he’s not supposed to leave the scene of an accident.  But off he goes running up the on ramp of Exit 26.

The car that stopped in front of me followed after the driver.  The two women who stopped behind me, stayed.  I thank them continuously throughout the remainder of this saga for staying.

I call the Rockwood Police station to let them know the other driver ran off.  They indicate that they will let the responding officer know.  

We wait.  And wait.  And wait for what seemed like an eternity.  We hear sirens.  Then we don’t.  Several minutes later a Sherif SUV, a fire response unit and two fire trucks arrive.  It’s me and two witnesses…the other couple left after the driver ran off.  

The Sheriff comes up to us and I start talking to him.  I identify the man in the back of his SUV as the other driver.  I supply the information he requests.  He tells me I can leave.

Hmmmm….that’s it?  It was very anti-climatic.  

Two things for certain…. One, I will never come up on Exit 26 the same.  And, two, I will never doubt the power of our Lord.