Trust or Rather Lack of...

Is something I'm not sure I have in Drew...

Per http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/trust:

Main Entry: 1trust
Pronunciation:
\ˈtrəst\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, probably of
Scandinavian origin; akin to Old Norse traust trust; akin to Old English trēowe
faithful — more at true
Date: 13th
century
1 a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth
of someone or something b: one in which confidence is placed
2 a: dependence on something future or contingent : hope b: reliance on
future payment for property (as merchandise) delivered : credit furniture on trust>
3 a: a property interest held by one person for the benefit of another b: a
combination of firms or corporations formed by a legal agreement ; especially :
one that reduces or threatens to reduce competition
4archaic : trustworthiness
5 a (1): a charge or duty imposed in faith or confidence or as a condition
of some relationship (2): something committed or entrusted to one to be used or
cared for in the interest of another b: responsible charge or office c: care , custody child committed to her trust>

I know I've only mainly written about the good times, but I just cannot get passed a few things...

Drew is not 110% into our relationship like I am.

When we had "the talk" he said he wasn't actively looking, but if something came along who knows and that who knows how long our relationship would last...months, a year, 5 yrs, 10 yrs...

I don't want to look, I don't want to date anyone else... I've told him this. He's also said that he is good with the way things are with us as well.

Okay, so here's the problem... I have a membership on match.com that is good for another couple months... I don't go on to look, but I do respond to men who email me letting them know that I am dating someone. I get the emails from the site with potential and browse through them, but don't look or spend any amount of time poking around the site. Drew also has a membership...and he is on it ALL THE FUCKING TIME and it is driving me crazy. How do I know? I know because I view his profile without logging in... I can't help it. Is it right? No. But I just cannot help myself.

He has been logging in so frequently it's just ridiculous. He logs in both at work and at home several times a day... In fact, he's logged in after I have left his house after we've been intimate... And he's been logged in tonight since around 10pm with his "IM me now!" on and it's 10:25 now...

Yesterday when I got home from work, I checked on him, I saw the "IM me now!" on... I thought about it and then I logged in, IM'd Drew making an excuse for emailing someone that I wasn't interested and telling him that when I got done I saw that he was online, so I couldn't help but IM him. Okay, so I lied...a little. The guy I said that I was emailing actually did email me about a month or so ago... I had the old email, so IM'd Drew the profile of the dude...who happened to be in his late 50's! Any who...

Drew replied back he wasn't looking... Just poking around humoring himself. WTF?!?!

It makes me sick to my stomach. I know I shouldn't be checking on him...but I can't help it.

Trust is everything to me. Everything. Without trust there is no foundation to a relationship.

When we are together, it's wonderful and all my doubts fall to the weigh side. Well, for the most part... There are a couple things Drew does/doesn't do that I just don't understand, but I'm willing to look passed them.

Okay, 10:33 and his "IM me now!" is still ON!!!!! I'm livid...and hurt...and feel completely betrayed.

This Friday we are supposed to spend at his place...plans are to rent a couple movies and chill out. I cannot handle this any longer. I need to know what is going on. So I am going to bring up the logging in this week and seeing him with his IM on and how it bothered me. He doesn't need to know that I know that he is either online or on with his IM on all the time.

This is the one thing that just crushes me...completely and utterly crushes me. This is a man that I thought/think that I love...and when I see this match shit, I feel hurt, angry, confused... I feel lost. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me...even though I know that I am a good person and have given him 110% and more. I hate what this has done to me, making me a raving lunatic...but know I'm doing it to myself because I am the one who is checking on him!

Wow...10:48...still has the IM on... Is he really IMing all this time? Did he leave the computer on in the room and go watch the games (Wings / World Series)? What the hell is going on?

Actions speak louder than words....and right now his actions are speaking volumes to me... Speaking? Okay, they are screaming or perhaps the voice in my head is...run, hide, don't look back, get out now... ...do something, anything so you will only be hurt just a little, so while your heart will break it will be able to mend is some short semblance of time, so maybe you will able to salvage your friendship with him (ha, wishful thinking)...

I made a choice after "the talk". I chose to stick it out even though I knew he wasn't into things 110%. I chose to stick it out even though he admitted back then to clicking the match.com links.

10:58 he is logged off.

I feel so sad...and afraid of what is going to happen when I tell him on Friday that I was a bit bothered about him being on IM yesterday. I think that when I bring up this topic either I will find out that he really IS looking or that he HAS found someone else or that he will freak that I'm asking him about it.

I'm so afraid because I am so at ease with myself when I am with him and can just be myself.... Plus, I can accept his flaws, well, with exception of this match thing. I have never really had been able to do that with any other man. We get along so great and I am so afraid of losing it... I was really, really thinking he could be the one.

But I just cannot continue to live with this hanging over my head and lurking in the back of my mind...and continuing to feel this way...sitting here crying, feeling sorry for myself, wondering what the hell he has been doing online...

I have to confront the fact that I am having issues regarding trust....or rather lack there of...