Hope

I've been sitting here looking at a blank screen for about 10 minutes. Just sitting...and thinking.

I should be in bed, but I'm not. I shouldn't have a glass of wine since it's so late...but what the hell...

This dance Drew and I are doing is...well...emotionally exhausting and completely confusing.

I could go on about the things that I think are positive and wonderful...and how much I enjoy being with him... But I won't.

I really and truly like this man. But sometimes the things he says to me are like a punch to the gut and knock the wind right out of me.

We were watching a movie this evening and the guy was all about him and his friend was telling him that he never truly opened up to his girlfriend and it was no wonder that she left him. Drew made some comment that he was like the guy and I should/shouldn't...shit, I can't recall exactly what he said. Basically, it sounded like he was saying that there was no hope for him to open up to me. I know he has trust issues, but I thought that we were doing good. And we always joke around with each other...and I mean a lot. He was hugging me and giving me little kisses which isn't the norm for him. So I don't know if he was being serious or joking around. Sometimes it is hard to tell and I've been wrong about him being serious when he was actually joking several times in the past.

We've already made plans to spend most of this upcoming weekend together... Friday night at his house, Saturday he asked me to come over to watch Michigan State game, then out to dinner and Sunday a.m. go to the gym together...

We made plans to go out next Wednesday evening.

We've made plans for his birthday in December.

Making plans is not something that we've done before.

We've been doing whatever it is we are doing for just over six months now...

I'm just so confused by his get close, pull away behavior.

I know I deserve someone who is 100% into things, just like I am.

A big part of me keeps hoping that Drew will be that someone...

There are times that he lets down his wall, his eyes shine bright and I can see that he is completely there...

Call me stupid, but I do have that hope that someday he will be there 100% all the time...