OMG, last night I had an entire book written about the events of this weekend and when I went to go to publish it…GONE! Probably a good thing because I was completely pissed off (still am) about the situation and was pretty nasty writing about it.
Any who… Well…about two or three weeks ago, Paul tells me about bbq and that people from out of town will be there and they know the ex and will probably want to see her, so she's going to be invited, too. Errrr…not completely comfortable about it, but okay.
Sunday I called Paul to find out if his mom was going to have the bbq because if not, then my mom was thinking about having bbq. Before I could say anything about my mom, he says that no the bbq isn't happening and he's pissed off. Seems that his mom talked to the ex and the ex said she wasn't going to come because I have issues with her and his mom decided just to cancel the bbq vs having someone have hurt feelings or a scene being made. (apparently this bbq situation happened before with an ex girlfriend and the ex wife and the situation got so uncomfortable that the ex wife left which made everyone uncomfortable about things - duh, WTF did you think is going to happen?!?!? That everyone would get along like one big happy family?!?!)
So Paul got all pissed off about things…that his mom cancelled the bbq, thus modifying her behavior (because of me)…that his ex said she wasn't going to go (because of me)…that I caused the whole situation by making him talk to his ex to tell her to mind her place a month ago. Huh?!?! Oh yeah…I think…I made your mom cancel the bbq, I made your ex tell your mom OUR business, I made you talk to your ex. Right, I made everyone do everything. Ok, so the chain of events happened as a result of the "incident" because I got upset that his ex crossed the line and he allowed it. But I didn't make him (or anyone else) act a certain way or tell them what to do. It was his choice to talk to the ex back then and his choice to pick his words…I never made him nor did I suggest that he talk to her. I figured he would talk to her as things arose vs bringing something up out of the blue.
So defend the mom for not wanting there to be another scene (like with the old girlfriend). Never mind that the mom is inviting the ex after a previous fiasco…I mean the ex is the ex for a reason, right? (the ex stopped wearing her wedding ring, she was going out till all hours of the night and that after they separated she immediately started dating - sound like she was cheating on you and that's okay to everyone? How could they not think that…The Ostrich Effect maybe!?!?!?!) Defend the ex for trying to the right thing (never mind that she blabbed our business to his mother, apparently that is okay…I mean she couldn't have made up some excuse or anything could she?). Blame me for making him talk to his ex and tell her to mind her place. That phrase came up more than once…you made me tell her to mind her place. Ummmm…no…I didn't make you do anything.
I tell him that the ex shouldn't be talking to his mom (as in about our relationship). He hung up on me. (He told me that someone hanging up on him was the worst thing anyone could ever do…and he freakin' did it to me!) I called him back and he tells me how dare I tell him that the ex shouldn't talk to the mom. What?!?!?! So I have to explain to him…talk to her about us…I could give a shit if the ex talks to his mom all day and night. But the ex should not be talking about our business when she doesn't even know what is going on!
The call continued badly. Paul gave me a lot of implied ultimatums. He said he didn't like feeling guilty or thinking about if things were right or if I was going to get pissed about something he's doing that has to do with his ex. All I could think was that if you have to think about it or if you're feeling guilty about it then it's probably not right and you shouldn't be doing it! WTF? He said he was still going to be friends with her and that wasn't going to change and implied that I need to get over it. He said he was pissed that his mother was modifying her behavior and I told him I was sorry about the way things played out, that it wasn't my intent for things to be like this. But you know, the ex is an ex for a reason (see above)…and does the mother really need to invite the ex to all family functions? Not that it matters, but I think the ex likes to have her cake and eat it too and as long as Paul will put up with her using him, she'll continue to do so. Towards the end of the conversation, he told me he had no idea what was going on now. At some point, I told him that I thought we were getting along really great and that the things he was saying to me scared me. I had to ask him how he thought things had been going, he just didn't agree without me asking…guess he was too pissed off to say anything nice… We hung up and I figured with the ultimatums and the not knowing what was going on that he had had it and we were done because we both agreed after the "incident" that we didn't want to be having another conversation about the ex. He texted me around midnight asking me if I was okay. I was really upset during the conversation…and crying during a good part of it. I had no idea what to say, so I just responded that I was okay and asked how he was. He texted back saying that he had calmed down, that he hadn't talked to his mother and that he confirmed with the ex that not much was said to the mother about us. Okay…so what does that mean?
Sunday I get up and rather than being hurt, scared and sad, I was pissed. I mean how dare he blame the situation on ME. It's not my fault the ex has a big mouth, that the mother chose not to have the bbq because the ex wouldn't come (I mean she is the ex, right?!?! Who the hell has both the ex and the current at the same function anyway???) or that he spoke badly to the ex about minding her place… Sure it all happened as a result of my reaction to their uncommon relationship… I talk to Paul and I tell him that I want to talk to him in person, that I didn't think it was appropriate to talk over the phone. I guess I had it in my mind that I wanted to see his face when he talked to me so that I could gage his reaction…and I figured we were pretty much done and over given the way the conversation went the night before.
So I get to his house, walk in…he's no where around… My phone goes off. He's texting me from the backyard…he can't get up and come in to get me?! Okay, so that set me off a bit. I go out back, sit down and start talking… Pretty much the first thing out of my mouth was…I'm gonna make this really easy for you. He just looked at me. We wound up talking for a good hour or so…probably longer. It was all bad. I had nothing good to say to him because I was so mad. I tell him he hasn't apologized for hanging up on me or any of the nasty shit he said to me the day before…only then did he apologize (which didn't count!). I tell him he's defending everyone except me and has made it sound like I was the only one who had done anything wrong. He says you're my girlfriend of course I defend you. Okay, you haven't said I've done anything right so far and all I've heard is you defending the ex and your mother. No comment…just sat there. Eventually he says that he expected me to come over and say that I was done. I look at him and ask then why is he surprised after all the ultimatums. Plus, no words to try to smooth things out, no I'm sorry, no I care about you I'm sorry this is happening, nothing. Lots more was said. I tell him that I hope that I am clearing the way and making things easier for the next girlfriend. He tells me that not everyone has a problem with it. Huh? Who in their right mind wouldn't?! Sure all girlfriends want the ex wife around, getting into their business, being invited to family functions, having the two of them go to and sometimes stay at one another's houses whenever when the other isn't there, texting at all hours of the night/morning, etc, etc...
Towards the end of the first round he says that this is why he doesn't argue and why he only had two arguments in 15 yrs of marriage with the ex… That was it. I lost it. I looked at him said then you should probably get back with her and stormed to my car. He says, as I'm walking away, that he always knew I thought something more was going on between them. Whatever… I get to my car, grabbed his folding chair and brought it back to him, slammed it down and asked that's it…you have nothing else to say? Silence. More stuff was said, nothing good… I left, got in my car and started driving away crying. I got to the corner, figured if this is it, it might as well be completely done…turned around and went back and asked for all my stuff. He just looked at me…he said he would get it back to me…I said I want it now. Lots of silence… Neither of us knew what more to say. He says he has no magic bullet to make things better and what did I want. I tell him that I guess I expected something other than a nonchalant attitude. He said that if I would have started with something other than I'm gonna make this easy for you that the conversation would have gone differently. I tell him I was pissed off and it seemed like he was done so I started off protecting myself to be the one to take the first shot…probably not the best thing to do, but it was a coping/protective mechanism for me… More silence… I asked what he is thinking, he says nothing he doesn't want to think about it anymore…great… Okay then when do we talk again. I don't know he says… I'm completely frustrated and tell him I'll call him Wednesday. He says okay. I leave.
Yesterday I was still pissed, still hurt and thinking that the damage we did to each other over the last couple days is something that has gone beyond repair.
It makes me sad. I love this man. But we can't continue to go on this way. He thinks nothing is wrong with his relationship with his ex. I do… There just doesn't appear to be any boundaries and he doesn't seem willing to apply any. I don't want him feeling guilty and possibly keeping things from me to avoid another confrontation. I don't want to have to start wondering what's going on. It just seems like a no win situation…and I can't agree to have three people in a relationship. I mean here's someone who pretty obviously cheated on you and you're willing to do a lot of shit to help her out and defend her and the unconventional relationship you have with her… Unreal…
Like I said, it makes me sad…
I don't want to be alone. I was okay being alone in my 20's and 30's. I'm not okay with it now. I want to be with someone. I want to have a loving relationship. I eventually want to be married.
But...I don't want to be with someone and be unhappy or have the other person be unhappy.
Even though I love him…at this point…I just think it's gone beyond repair…and it breaks my heart… My heart is broken…and I'm so very sad about it.
I am calling him tonight at 6:30…I have no idea what to say…even though I do…
I don't understand why things have to be so hard…
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