Paul

Scared. I'm scared because I had opened myself up and let Paul in before the incident. I'm scared that I am going to drive him away.

Friday night I went over his house for dinner. His girls were there, too. My walls were up. We had some dinner and some wine and then sat down to watch the Wings game. During dinner and all night it I knit picked every little thing. I teased and picked to the point that it got to be uncomfortable and I said I was going to leave.

Paul walked me outside and we talked for a long while. I told him I was scared. I was crying. I cried...

I have to stop writing this because I'm starting to cry again.

Okay.

I basically told Paul that I was scared. That I just wanted to be happy. That I had my walls up. I explained to him how when I was growing up and even now that I couldn't count on anyone (my family) and that they just pay lip service and don't follow through. I gave him lots of examples and seemed to be crying and rambling.

I just feeling like crying. I feel lost. I feel insecure. I want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be alright.

Yesterday morning I talked to Paul. I said I was sorry, he said he accepted my apology. He told me what was going on in the day and that maybe he was going to take the kids to the show. I asked if I could tag along. He said he didn't think it was a good idea because of "the kids". I asked what they said and his youngest asked what took so long and the other said nothing, but she's very perceptive and they've never seen anyone and him talk like that.

He hadn't really seen the kids or spent any time with them in a few weeks, so it was probably best that he spend some time with them. Although there is a part of me that thinks he needed to process things and used the kids as an excuse.

Anyway...it's Sunday and I have no idea what's going to happen today and whether or not I'm going to see him.

I just feel so scared.