Median Nerve

Last weekend a blind fell on my wrist. It left a small penny size welt that went a way. My hand was tingling and numb for a good long while. The next day and since then it's still a bit numb and tingles when you touched.

I went to the dr. toady. Nerve damage...to the median nerve. Possible surgery needed to fix things... Wonderful.

Tried to make an appt. with a specialist, but specialist is out of town and the receptionist couldn't make an appt. without it being approved by the dr. Great... So I'm supposed to call back next Tuesday.

Always something!

Table Ready

Okay...much different now that it's late and I'm sitting here watching TV...alone...

I'm sad....and feeling sorry for myself...

I know I'll be okay, but I'm not feeling too happy right now.

Pity Party...table for one...your table's ready for you. Bah!

Break Time

Not really sure what to say today.

I have mixed emotions about yesterday's conversation with Paul. I'm glad that things are finally aired out. I wish he would have told me that he wasn't in a place to be someone's steady boyfriend last month after the incident. He said he can't be an everyday boyfriend now… He said he didn't want to lose me…

This morning I woke up thinking I may have put myself in the same situation I was in with Drew. But I don't think that's the case. I talked to Paul again this morning and voiced my concern and told him that as soon as either of started looking for someone that we had to tell the other person. He agreed. I told him that I got screwed over and didn't want it to happen again… He understood. He said that he wasn't going to go out looking for someone. He told me again that he didn't want to lose me; that he enjoyed being with me (and who wouldn't! :))…blah, blah, blah…

I just need to be happy with me. I'm not in the mood or the frame of mind to go out looking for someone else. I like that I have someone I can call and go out with without thinking about where things are heading and what's going on.

I don't even want to speculate about what is going to happen in the future.

I don't want to out looking for that special someone (okay, there is a small part that does…ugh!).

I just think I've been trying too hard and wanting it too much…trying to MAKE it happen because I want it so badly.

I think I need a break…and not a breaking heart…

One Day at a Time.

After work, I picked up my daughter and dropped her at her boyfriend's, went home, ran three miles, cooled down, showered and then called Paul.

The conversation went much different than I thought it would.

As per the norm, I did most of the talking. Paul said I was right on with everything I said.

At the beginning he asked me what I wanted from our relationship. I told him that I've told him before. I told him that I wanted to find someone I could spend the rest of my life with and grow old. He said yes now he recalled and didn't say much after that. I started saying how I thought he wanted something different...that we weren't at the same place. He agreed.

Towards the beginning he also told me that he didn't want to lose me... He said he felt guilty for not being what I wanted and not spending more time with me. He said he felt overwhelmed with job (loss of work), house, and juggling everything else. I asked some questions, he answered and then I elaborated on what he said...he agreed with my analysis.

I told him I wanted both of us to be happy. I told him that I didn't think either of us was happy right now and that it wasn't fair to neither him or I. He agreed.

I told him I felt like I was doing all the talking. He agreed but said that I was right about everything I was saying (regarding how I thought he felt about things and what I thought he was thinking).

At some point in the middle of our conversation, I told him sometimes it pays to analyze and he laughed. He said yes it does. I told him that was what I longed to do...analyze things and help people...but lack of money is keeping me from my dream job...

It was a good conversation. It was a civil conversation.

I told him I didn't want to go looking for anyone else... He mentioned something about match.com and me going on there. I told him I wasn't ever doing that again. That I had no interest in going looking. That I maybe I've been looking too hard. He said he wasn't going to go looking either.

I told him that it sounded like our timing was off. He agreed.

In the end, we decided to date when ever... No expectations... And if one of us chooses to date someone else, that we would tell the other person before we go out with them. Paul said he had veto rights...Ummm...no...LOL! ;P

Paul asked if he could have a date...asked me to go away for July 4th weekend. I told him it was already on my calendar. He asked if it was in pencil. I said I don't use pencils. He laughed and said then it's a date as it's written in ink. We laughed together. I asked him if he would still go to the Kid Rock concert with me, he said yes...

I don't want to be alone... I don't want to be unhappy... I like Paul...he likes me. He actually admitted that he didn't tell me often enough but that I mean a lot to him. Who knows...

We'll see what the future holds.

For now, I'm just going to take it one day at a time.

No expectations.

No plans.

Just me and one day at a time...

Too Hard...

OMG, last night I had an entire book written about the events of this weekend and when I went to go to publish it…GONE!  Probably a good thing because I was completely pissed off (still am) about the situation and was pretty nasty writing about it.

Any who… Well…about two or three weeks ago, Paul tells me about bbq and that people from out of town will be there and they know the ex and will probably want to see her, so she's going to be invited, too.  Errrr…not completely comfortable about it, but okay. 

Sunday I called Paul to find out if his mom was going to have the bbq because if not, then my mom was thinking about having bbq.  Before I could say anything about my mom, he says that no the bbq isn't happening and he's pissed off.  Seems that his mom talked to the ex and the ex said she wasn't going to come because I have issues with her and his mom decided just to cancel the bbq vs having someone have hurt feelings or a scene being made.  (apparently this bbq situation happened before with an ex girlfriend and the ex wife and the situation got so uncomfortable that the ex wife left which made everyone uncomfortable about things - duh, WTF did you think is going to happen?!?!?  That everyone would get along like one big happy family?!?!) 

So Paul got all pissed off about things…that his mom cancelled the bbq, thus modifying her behavior (because of me)…that his ex said she wasn't going to go (because of me)…that I caused the whole situation by making him talk to his ex to tell her to mind her place a month ago.  Huh?!?!  Oh yeah…I think…I made your mom cancel the bbq, I made your ex tell your mom OUR business, I made you talk to your ex.  Right, I made everyone do everything.  Ok, so the chain of events happened as a result of the "incident" because I got upset that his ex crossed the line and he allowed it.  But I didn't make him (or anyone else) act a certain way or tell them what to do.  It was his choice to talk to the ex back then and his choice to pick his words…I never made him nor did I suggest that he talk to her.  I figured he would talk to her as things arose vs bringing something up out of the blue.

So defend the mom for not wanting there to be another scene (like with the old girlfriend).  Never mind that the mom is inviting the ex after a previous fiasco…I mean the ex is the ex for a reason, right?  (the ex stopped wearing her wedding ring, she was going out till all hours of the night and that after they separated she immediately started dating - sound like she was cheating on you and that's okay to everyone?  How could they not think that…The Ostrich Effect maybe!?!?!?!)  Defend the ex for trying to the right thing (never mind that she blabbed our business to his mother, apparently that is okay…I mean she couldn't have made up some excuse or anything could she?).  Blame me for making him talk to his ex and tell her to mind her place.  That phrase came up more than once…you made me tell her to mind her place.  Ummmm…no…I didn't make you do anything. 

I tell him that the ex shouldn't be talking to his mom (as in about our relationship).  He hung up on me.  (He told me that someone hanging up on him was the worst thing anyone could ever do…and he freakin' did it to me!)  I called him back and he tells me how dare I tell him that the ex shouldn't talk to the mom.  What?!?!?!  So I have to explain to him…talk to her about us…I could give a shit if the ex talks to his mom all day and night.  But the ex should not be talking about our business when she doesn't even know what is going on! 

The call continued badly.  Paul gave me a lot of implied ultimatums.  He said he didn't like feeling guilty or thinking about if things were right or if I was going to get pissed about something he's doing that has to do with his ex.  All I could think was that if you have to think about it or if you're feeling guilty about it then it's probably not right and you shouldn't be doing it!  WTF?  He said he was still going to be friends with her and that wasn't going to change and implied that I need to get over it.  He said he was pissed that his mother was modifying her behavior and I told him I was sorry about the way things played out, that it wasn't my intent for things to be like this.  But you know, the ex is an ex for a reason (see above)…and does the mother really need to invite the ex to all family functions?  Not that it matters, but I think the ex likes to have her cake and eat it too and as long as Paul will put up with her using him, she'll continue to do so.  Towards the end of the conversation, he told me he had no idea what was going on now.  At some point, I told him that I thought we were getting along really great and that the things he was saying to me scared me.  I had to ask him how he thought things had been going, he just didn't agree without me asking…guess he was too pissed off to say anything nice…  We hung up and I figured with the ultimatums and the not knowing what was going on that he had had it and we were done because we both agreed after the "incident" that we didn't want to be having another conversation about the ex.  He texted me around midnight asking me if I was okay.  I was really upset during the conversation…and crying during a good part of it.  I had no idea what to say, so I just responded that I was okay and asked how he was.  He texted back saying that he had calmed down, that he hadn't talked to his mother and that he confirmed with the ex that not much was said to the mother about us.  Okay…so what does that mean?

Sunday I get up and rather than being hurt, scared and sad, I was pissed.  I mean how dare he blame the situation on ME.  It's not my fault the ex has a big mouth, that the mother chose not to have the bbq because the ex wouldn't come (I mean she is the ex, right?!?! Who the hell has both the ex and the current at the same function anyway???) or that he spoke badly to the ex about minding her place…  Sure it all happened as a result of my reaction to their uncommon relationship…  I talk to Paul and I tell him that I want to talk to him in person, that I didn't think it was appropriate to talk over the phone.  I guess I had it in my mind that I wanted to see his face when he talked to me so that I could gage his reaction…and I figured we were pretty much done and over given the way the conversation went the night before.

So I get to his house, walk in…he's no where around…  My phone goes off.  He's texting me from the backyard…he can't get up and come in to get me?!  Okay, so that set me off a bit.  I go out back, sit down and start talking…  Pretty much the first thing out of my mouth was…I'm gonna make this really easy for you.  He just looked at me.  We wound up talking for a good hour or so…probably longer.  It was all bad.  I had nothing good to say to him because I was so mad.  I tell him he hasn't apologized for hanging up on me or any of the nasty shit he said to me the day before…only then did he apologize (which didn't count!).  I tell him he's defending everyone except me and has made it sound like I was the only one who had done anything wrong.  He says you're my girlfriend of course I defend you.  Okay, you haven't said I've done anything right so far and all I've heard is you defending the ex and your mother.  No comment…just sat there.  Eventually he says that he expected me to come over and say that I was done.  I look at him and ask then why is he surprised after all the ultimatums.  Plus, no words to try to smooth things out, no I'm sorry, no I care about you I'm sorry this is happening, nothing.  Lots more was said.  I tell him that I hope that I am clearing the way and making things easier for the next girlfriend.  He tells me that not everyone has a problem with it.  Huh?  Who in their right mind wouldn't?!  Sure all girlfriends want the ex wife around, getting into their business, being invited to family functions, having the two of them go to and sometimes stay at one another's houses whenever when the other isn't there, texting at all hours of the night/morning, etc, etc... 

Towards the end of the first round he says that this is why he doesn't argue and why he only had two arguments in 15 yrs of marriage with the ex…  That was it.  I lost it.  I looked at him said then you should probably get back with her and stormed to my car.  He says, as I'm walking away, that he always knew I thought something more was going on between them.  Whatever…  I get to my car, grabbed his folding chair and brought it back to him, slammed it down and asked that's it…you have nothing else to say?  Silence.  More stuff was said, nothing good…  I left, got in my car and started driving away crying.  I got to the corner, figured if this is it, it might as well be completely done…turned around and went back and asked for all my stuff.  He just looked at me…he said he would get it back to me…I said I want it now.  Lots of silence…  Neither of us knew what more to say.  He says he has no magic bullet to make things better and what did I want.  I tell him that I guess I expected something other than a nonchalant attitude.  He said that if I would have started with something other than I'm gonna make this easy for you that the conversation would have gone differently.  I tell him I was pissed off and it seemed like he was done so I started off protecting myself to be the one to take the first shot…probably not the best thing to do, but it was a coping/protective mechanism for me…  More silence…  I asked what he is thinking, he says nothing he doesn't want to think about it anymore…great… Okay then when do we talk again.  I don't know he says…  I'm completely frustrated and tell him I'll call him Wednesday.  He says okay.  I leave.

Yesterday I was still pissed, still hurt and thinking that the damage we did to each other over the last couple days is something that has gone beyond repair. 

It makes me sad.  I love this man.  But we can't continue to go on this way.  He thinks nothing is wrong with his relationship with his ex.  I do…  There just doesn't appear to be any boundaries and he doesn't seem willing to apply any.  I don't want him feeling guilty and possibly keeping things from me to avoid another confrontation.  I don't want to have to start wondering what's going on.  It just seems like a no win situation…and I can't agree to have three people in a relationship.  I mean here's someone who pretty obviously cheated on you and you're willing to do a lot of shit to help her out and defend her and the unconventional relationship you have with her…  Unreal… 

Like I said, it makes me sad… 

I don't want to be alone.  I was okay being alone in my 20's and 30's.  I'm not okay with it now.  I want to be with someone.  I want to have a loving relationship.  I eventually want to be married.

But...I don't want to be with someone and be unhappy or have the other person be unhappy. 

Even though I love him…at this point…I just think it's gone beyond repair…and it breaks my heart…  My heart is broken…and I'm so very sad about it.

I am calling him tonight at 6:30…I have no idea what to say…even though I do… 

I don't understand why things have to be so hard…

Thank goodness for my tan

A tan is great for a lot of things.

Catching some rays or laying in a tanning bed...oh so relaxing and destressing.

Having a little color makes me feel better about myself.

You don't have to wear much make-up, not that I do anyway...

It covers up those little imperfections in the skin and you can't see the dark circles under my eyes either.

People always ask...where have you been on vacation...I tell them lots of places...in my head! lol! ;P

And the best thing a tan is good for (I determined this just a few minutes ago)...covering up the trail of ones tears...you can't even tell I've been crying.

Thank goodness for my tan.

Think.

All I can think is...

I love him.

Feeling Myself

Alrighty now!  Boy, I can honestly say I feel a million times better than I have been feeling over the past three weeks.  WTF was in that happy pill?

Monday I finished my edging and then blew the entire sidewalk off.  Quite a task considering I live on a corner. 

Yesterday I actually went out for a three mile run.  Wowie!  It kicked my butt at the end.  It was good getting out since I have the Race for the Cure next weekend.  I have about a week and a half…which is doable.  I'll be running with a few women from work, so it's just for fun…and a good cause. :)

And I can't get over how my outlook seems so much more positive vs. the last three weeks.  I was talking with a coworker this a.m. and he said that he could tell the difference, too.  Wow.  I'll never do that again - happy pill schmappy pill.  Ugh! 

Any who… 

I'm just feeling more like my good ole lunatic self and extremely happy about it! :)

The Package Deal

OMG, I can't believe the difference one day of no happy pill makes. I feel like I am thinking more clearly, I'm not tired and I want to go, go, go!!! Of course, it could be all in my head...but we shall see tomorrow.

I am actually writing because I sort of feel bad for talking smack about Paul's ex. I mean what I wrote earlier today was the truth. She is a slob and the toilet was extremely disgusting...but a part of me still feels bad. I mean, I didn't have to write that. I could have easily left that out...but I didn't. And I'm not sure why I didn't. I mean, she's never done anything malicious or mean (that I know of any way) to me. Who knows what the two of them talked about after the "incident" because I do know she wasn't too happy about it. But both Paul and I have been making an effort to get things back on track and keep them on track.

I guess I realize that I want my relationship with Paul to work... And part of the package that comes with him is his kids which mean the world to him (one of the things I really like about him)...and because of that...the ex comes as part of the package, too.

I dunno...

Guess I'll have to give it more thought (why it's bothering me).

But maybe that's all it is...the package deal.

And maybe that's why I feel bad...because I'm learning to accept it...the entire package deal.

Bye-Bye Happy Pill

I was going to give it a couple more weeks, but after my three hour crying spell (for no apparent reason) Sunday morning, I decided I'd had enough.  I mean - for the past three weeks I've been sleeping only with the aid of another pill, getting tremors, being tired all the time, not caring about anything…not to mention not being able to drink! ;P  Enough was enough.  So no more happy pill.  I've been taking it less than four weeks, so I shouldn't have any withdrawal symptoms, but I'll be calling the dr. anyway.  What a pain in the ass… 

Try to make myself better and wind up making myself worse.  Ah well, at least I tried to do something.  Guess my body just doesn't react well to medication…which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Weekend was pretty good.  Friday I stayed in and watched Finding Nemo - exciting!  Saturday got up, dragged hinney into the shower, went over to Paul's to go to his youngest's softball game and then drop her at a festival…but the game got cancelled, so we took her and a friend to the festival and waited for the ex to show up as she was going to have the kids that night. 

OMG, the ex is a freakin' slob!  We had to stop at her house with the youngest…all I can say is Wow ::bug eyed and shaking head::.  I said as much to Paul and he laughed and sort of agreed, but also said something about the kids not being clean…  Okay, but who's the parent and who's the child?  I would never let my house get like that.  Later that night before we went out to dinner, his youngest called asking to come over.  Apparently she was feeling sick to her stomach because of this ride and needed to throw up.  I asked why she couldn't just go in a porta john, Paul said that was gross.  I asked if remembered seeing the ex's bathroom and particularly the toilet at the ex's house and what the difference was…he said good point.  Yes, the toilet actually looked that bad.  In fact, I turned around and walked out after asking whether or not the toilet was broken.  Kid said no.  I was wide eyed and astounded.    Called Paul in and he flushed…toilet almost overflowed, what a mess that would have been!  All I could think was...So if the toilet is hard to flush, hold the dang handle down each and every time you go…don't let shit sit in the toilet with five other pees and gobs of toilet paper! 

Any who…enough of that!  I shouldn't be talking bad about her anyway…right?!  LOL!  Ah well, truth hurts sometimes.

Saturday night we went out to eat and then saw Angels and Demons.  It was pretty good…we both gave it a "B". ;) 

Sunday was the three hour cry fest, then tired, talked to my sis (hug and prayers for her!!!), took a shower, ran to store, edged most of the yard (as far as extension cord would let me), Paul dropped off mower so I could cut grass (really need to buy a mower), showered and then went to Paul's to watched the Wings kill the Blackhawk's (he taped it)…

Didn't take med last night…so far not doing too bad today and actually think I may go home and run outside…or finish the edging.  I haven't ran or worked out in weeks…I just didn't care…or feel like it.  Thank you very much happy pill.  So…

Onward!  And bye-bye Happy Pill!

Love

What if I told him I love you.

Would night turn to day.

What I if I told him I loved him.

Would he go away.

What if I told him I love you.

Would he smile at me.

What if I told him I loved him.

Would we both be free.

What if I told him I love you.

Would my world go black.

What if I told him I loved him.

What would he say back.

Sleepy

Extremley tired tonight. Seems another side effect of the happy pill is tremors - as in super shaky everything, especially my hands. Most of the day it's not so bad, but every once in a while I just start shaking. It's kinda scary and I'm just about to the point where I want to throw in the towel and say to heck with these meds. I mean, it's just not worth it (is it?). I've not really slept well in two weeks, shaking, up and down moods, etc...

Even though I spouted about our conversation the other night, things with Paul are going really well. I just have to learn to take what he says at face value...without any hidden meaning. I can see that he cares...and I really (really) care about him. I guess I'm just scared that I've jumped back in with both feet. But that's me...jump in full force with whatever I do. Paul... ::sigh:: That would be a dreamy, wistful sigh. ;)

Work is a bit crazy, but I'm very thankful to have a job.

I'm worried about my sis. I wonder how she's doing tonight because I know she had something going on this evening. She was going to address the situation she's facing. I'll have to call her first thing in the a.m.

Honestly, I think the hardest thing I'm dealing with right now is being tired of being tired. I just want to sleep...to be able to fall asleep and to stay asleep once I'm in bed...to be able to fall back to sleep when I wake up after six hours of sleeping... I just want to sleep, sleep, sleep...

And with that...I'm off to bed...and hopefully, some decent sleep.

Perspective

Please keep my sis in your thoughts.  She's going through a really rough time right now.  She is laid off for 9 wks and is going through some personal issues as well.

When I think about what she is going through it makes my problems seem so very, very trivial. 

I said as much to her this morning.  But like she said to me, everyone has problems, it's just all a matter of perspective.

Comfort Zone

Just got off the phone with Paul a little bit ago. I thought I'd call to see if we could firm up plans for tomorrow and he brings up this past weekend.

He starts by saying something about this Sunday and him feeling guilty. Seems that at his daughter's game on Sunday, his ex gets dropped off by her boyfriend and Paul drives him, his daughter and his ex to his ex's house, hangs out there for a half hour and then drives them all to the other daughter's game. So him and his ex were hanging out for an hour before the game and all during the game. Seems that they often sit by each other and chat it up whenever I don't go to the games with him. He starts bringing all this other stuff up, too. Unknown schedules during the summer, how his mom and his ex get along, how family may be coming in over Memorial day and the ex may be invited over, etc, etc, etc...

At first I just sat there and cried (I don't think he knew I was crying) when he said that he felt guilty and told me about Sunday. After dealing with little sleep last night and a migraine all day, this was the last thing I wanted to hear or wanted to be talking about. I told him that part of me thought no big deal and that part of me was uncomfortable with it.

I think, and I told Paul, that what bothered me the most was that he said he felt guilty. I mean, why should he feel guilty about driving someplace with the ex? Well, he said guilty wasn't the right word... He said he had to think about how he wanted to bring it up with me. Er...umm...Sue, this, this and this happened...end of story. What is there to think about? Well, says Paul, this has been an issue in the past and I didn't know how you were going to react. I tell him that he shouldn't have to hide things from me and should just talk to me about them as they happen. He says he doesn't want to hide things. I tell him I'm glad that he told me and was honest with me and that I hope he continues to tell me these things because it allows us to talk things out. He says he doesn't like talking about things (I think he meant issues). Okay, whatever. Then he goes on to say that he told me all this stuff because he wanted to make me aware and he wanted to see how I was going to react... Okay... That's why it's good to TALK about things.

As a side note - during our conversation it came out that Paul and the ex talked about "the incident" at some length. Apparently the bitch was put out that their relationship crosses the line and that I am standing up and saying so. Too fucking bad is what I think. Paul also inferred, AGAIN, that I am not the only one who thinks their relationship isn't normal. No shit, really?!?! Big surprise there. But, hey, at least he did tell her to back off, right? Yes. And I'm glad for that. ::sigh::

I'm hurt that he feels guilty (even if he says he doesn't that is the word he used and I'm stuck on it). I am glad he did tell me. I hate that this is such an issue for us. I'm concerned that now it seems that he is over thinking things (Paul actually brought that up first). I wonder if it's just a matter of finding the right comfort zone with all of this ex stuff. And I basically told him all of this.

I mentioned that things probably seem tense because "the incident" is still so fresh in both our minds. He agreed. I mean, Friday night was the first time we had gone out in over a month. ::sigh, again:: It was a really good weekend. I told him this and he agreed with that, too.

At some point, Paul asked, again, if I feel threatened by her. I don't think I do. But do I? Or am I reacting to their very unconventional relationship?

I'm just super tired. I'm glad he told me, but I'm not completely comfortable with it. Maybe over time I will be (comfortable with it), but right now...it's just out of my comfort zone.

Quickie

Friday - worked 1/2 day, decided I couldn't/didn't want to attempt a good hairdo for my daughter's prom, took my daughter to the stylist for an updo, got lunch, home for getting dressed, off to the location of the party bus pickup for pictures (they looked fabulous!!!), back home to change and feed dogs, over to Paul's, went out to dinner, walked around the mall, watched part of Benjamin Button…

Saturday - watched rest of Benny Button (movie was too freakin' long and dragged on forever!), home to dogs and breakfast, talked to sis, showered, back to Paul's, went to two softball games (his daughter's), napped at Paul's, ran errands, home, fed dogs, ate, relaxed for evening…

Sunday - folded six or seven loads of laundry while talking to sis, cut grass, did more laundry, picked up daughter, picked up snacks for movie and cards for mother's day and stepdad's bday (yes, I'm a procrastinator), picked up daughter's boyfriend, went to show to see Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (not bad, not a must see), went to my mom's for family celebration, dropped daughter and boyfriend off at his parent's for dinner, went tanning, came home, wasn't feeling well - shaking badly and bad migraine (the shaking and pain was so bad I was crying/scared and was thinking about going to emergency), tried to eat, talked to Paul since we were tentatively going to get together, watched some TV, to bed a little after 9 p.m., laid there till at least 11 before falling asleep…

Today - didn't sleep well, tossed and turned all night, got up late (gotta love the snooze button), still had migraine, barely showered and dressed, work, called dr around 9 a.m…still no word from dr. (and it's almost 2p.m.) on whether or not they will call in Rx and when I called at noon there were no more appts for today.  WTF?  Migraine is pretty much gone, but my hands are still shaking and I'm exhausted from dealing with the pain.  May or may not get together with Paul for dinner tonight…he's exhausted from putting up drywall…  Quite the pair we are! ;)

Boy, that's a lot; guess I'm not sure I would really call it a "quickie" update! ;)

Hug!

Wow, I woke up this a.m. feeling just as blah as I did when I went to bed.  I just don't seem to care about anything today. 

In fact, I'm so blah that I showered, dried my hair, put my bangs in a little clip on top of my head, threw on a tank top, cashmere henley, some jeans and sketchers and off to work I went after dropping my daughter at school.  I look like a mess!  Although one of my girlfriend's stopped by my cube and said I looked cute.  Ummm...okay; LOL!!!

I know I have to sound like a lunatic.  And I know the meds are going to take a while to kick in and do their thing....but honestly...this is just horrible!  The emotional yo-yo seems worse first thing in the a.m. and a few hours after work.  ::sigh::

 

Maybe I just need a hug?  I've been thinking that for several hours this a.m.  I guess when I pick up my daughter from school I'll ask her for one.  Sure ain't gonna ask anyone here at work and won't be seeing Paul until tomorrow night.

 

Ah well...better get back to my 8200+ line spreadsheet...

 

And for now, I'll just hug myself! :) :) :)

Up, Down, All Around

One minute I seem to be fine...the next not so much...

It's about five days before I'm suppose to start my period and about a week into the happy pill...

I'm just tired. Sleep is so-so. I wake up and feel like I haven't slept at all. The past couple days, I've been sitting watching TV in the evening and suddenly I start crying. It's awful.

I'm just all over the map emotionally. Happy go lucky and smiling...unhappy and unsure...

What gives? Crazy? Depressed? Medication induced Emotional Stupor? Peri-menopausal? Gigi? Ok, so I suppose I still have some sense of humor. ;)

I'm just...

...Waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under my feet.

...Happy to be I am where I am.

...Afraid to face a new day.

...Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

...Not wanting to be alone with my thoughts.

...Cherishing some "Sue Time" to do whatever and contemplate things.

Blah, blah, blah...the contradictions could go on and on...

Yesterday I thought I had the right combo (before I cried off and on for a half hour, then went and had a really nice night with Paul); but today I can't help but feel like I'm up, down and all around.

Right Combination

Well, since Sunday seems things are going fairly well for a change.

I found the right combo of meds, so I'm sleeping and not a zombie in the morning! Yippee!!! Today was the first day I actually felt somewhat myself since starting to take the happy pill. All I can say is thank goodness for small miracles!

Things with Paul are going well. We got together Sunday and Monday...and might be getting together tonight - either way is okay with me, especially since I should be getting to bed early tonight. Sunday was a little awkward for me at first (and maybe him, too, to be expected I suppose), but after a while we were more like our old selves. Plus, yesterday was good...so it seems we're getting back on the right track. That's good. I'm happy about that. I really do like him and hope things work out. I am still a little guarded...and I'm trying not to be, but I'm really scared to jump back in. Especially with both feet, since that seems to be my normal mode of operating.

My daughter is going to Prom this Friday with her boyfriend. They truly seem to be connected at the hip. Every spare minute they have they are together or are texting each other. Oh to be young and without a care... I'm just glad she found a really great boy to date. He is nice and down to earth and hangs with a good crowd. I must say that we've been getting along really well lately. Lines of communication are open and it's just been great...even though I don't see her all that often! :( Ah well, one of the downfalls of being a teenager's mom I suppose; they so want their independence.

All-in-all, it seems I've found the right combo for just about everything... :)

Happy Pill?

So the happy pill isn't turning out to be so happy.

I haven't been sleeping. I feel like a wreck. The whole Friday night thing with Paul.

I talked with my girlfriend who's going to pharmacy school. She says that it's most likely my body getting used to the drug and that it will take a couple weeks before I feel the true effects of the med. She said that part of my reaction to Friday could have been the meds too.

Great. For now...I just feel like a mess.

I did sleep last night - Finally!!!!

I am so sad about the stuff with Paul and feel like I could care less about anything else...

I'm just not sure I can tolerate two weeks of this.

The Happy Pill is turning out to be not so happy for me right now.

Paul

Scared. I'm scared because I had opened myself up and let Paul in before the incident. I'm scared that I am going to drive him away.

Friday night I went over his house for dinner. His girls were there, too. My walls were up. We had some dinner and some wine and then sat down to watch the Wings game. During dinner and all night it I knit picked every little thing. I teased and picked to the point that it got to be uncomfortable and I said I was going to leave.

Paul walked me outside and we talked for a long while. I told him I was scared. I was crying. I cried...

I have to stop writing this because I'm starting to cry again.

Okay.

I basically told Paul that I was scared. That I just wanted to be happy. That I had my walls up. I explained to him how when I was growing up and even now that I couldn't count on anyone (my family) and that they just pay lip service and don't follow through. I gave him lots of examples and seemed to be crying and rambling.

I just feeling like crying. I feel lost. I feel insecure. I want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be alright.

Yesterday morning I talked to Paul. I said I was sorry, he said he accepted my apology. He told me what was going on in the day and that maybe he was going to take the kids to the show. I asked if I could tag along. He said he didn't think it was a good idea because of "the kids". I asked what they said and his youngest asked what took so long and the other said nothing, but she's very perceptive and they've never seen anyone and him talk like that.

He hadn't really seen the kids or spent any time with them in a few weeks, so it was probably best that he spend some time with them. Although there is a part of me that thinks he needed to process things and used the kids as an excuse.

Anyway...it's Sunday and I have no idea what's going to happen today and whether or not I'm going to see him.

I just feel so scared.

Bonus!

Boy, just got home and...

My lawn has been cut! :)

That just made my day!!!!

Bonus points for the Wog! :) :)

Insomnia

So I started taking the happy pill Wednesday night.  That night I was up at 3 a.m. and then at 5 a.m. and couldn't fall back to sleep.  Thursday night I was so tired, I went to bed at 10 p.m., woke up at 12 something, then again at 3 a.m. and couldn't fall back to sleep.

This afternoon I looked up side effects of the happy pill…sure enough…Insomnia!  WTF?!?!?! 

I don't get it…a happy pill with insomnia as a side effect?  Doesn't that defeat the entire purpose of the drug?  Without sleep how the hell can one be happy?!?!  Sheesh!  LOL!!!

I'll give it a week and if the insomnia continues, bye-bye happy pill!

On a side note…  I'm thinking I'll give work another 45 minutes and then head out.  I have a bathing suit I need to take back to Target.  I also have to cut the grass…tonight, hopefully.  My yard looks like hell - clumps of high grass everywhere and lots of little dandy-lions!  Not to mention doggie land mines in the back from the past week.  Poop patrol once per week at my place. ;) I'll be spraying the front lawn once I cut it….cause I just can't have a yellow lawn!  LOL!!!  I don't feel like screwing around with my lawn mover, which is on it's last leg, so I'm going to borrow Paul's.  I think I may just go mower shopping this weekend.  I don't think I can take another summer of cussing and screaming at the mower when I can't get it to start and it won't start after emptying the bag.  It is over 10 yrs old, so I did get my money's worth…  There goes another couple hundred dollars…argh!

Ah well…I'm just exhausted.  I may not do anything after taking back the suit, except maybe go tanning (I can sleep there!)…stupid insomnia!