Me.

I deserve the best.

I will not settle.

If I'm putting in 100% into a relationship, my partner better well be putting in 100%, too.

I have to keep telling myself these things. I have to because I do deserve the best and I deserve a man who is putting in as much as I am.

I may love Drew, but I do deserve to be treated with the utmost respect.

Tomorrow Drew is coming over to walk dogs with me as long as weather permits. And I think we may have drinks Friday evening vs passing out candy.

One of the two evenings I must talk with Drew about the match thing even though I believe that the outcome will not be what I want it to be... I have to know what is going on for my own mental well-being. I have to talk with him face-to-face and see it in his eyes what the truth is.

And if it's not what I want to hear, as I suspect, at least I will know what I am thinking is true. And I will have to prepare myself to move on. As much as I care for him, I deserve better. I deserve to be with someone who treats me with the dignity and respect that I treat them with and isn't looking over their shoulder or peering around the corner to see if something better is out there.

(Why is it that I always think the worst and expect the worst outcome... I believe this could be a topic for another entry.)

It's time to be brave.

It's time to think about what is best for me.

I want to be happy all the time. I don't want to be thinking what if...about anything. I've thought that too long about far too many things and it's time for it to be all about me in the here and now.

Yes, it's time.

It's time things were all about....

Me.



P.S. Give me the strength to go through with this because I'm scared shitless beyond belief!!!!

What time is it?

Tick tock, tick tock...CHOMP!!!!

Yesterday I got home from work, made oatmeal cookies, fed dogs, took my daughter to shrink appt., came back home fed dogs and picked up cookies, went to Drew's, came home and made more cookies...

Some time between the first time I left to take my daughter to the appt and coming back from Drew's the dogs ate my watch! WTF? I had it laying on the counter and they snatched it off and mowed down on the face. It sitll works, but no glass to cover the hands.

I've been checking my wrist for the time all day...and nothing...

Before going to Germany, I hadn't worn a watch in years. Since then, I've been wearing one all the time and have gotten used to it.

Now I have no idea what time it is. Darn dogs!

Bike, Walk, Feel Good

Day two of working out....and it feels great!

Like I said in a previous post, it really does help my mental state of mind. :)

10 minutes on the bike, 20 minutes on the treadmill walking and some back/stomach exercises today.

I may not be roaring, but I sure am feeling good.

Meow

I suck. The match thing is bothering me again.

Looks like it's time to face the problem head on.

Not sure when this week, but I can't put it off any longer.

So much for all the rah, rah...and I am woman hear me roar.

Right now all I can do is say meow.

Back in Action

Wow, what a difference a workout makes.

Okay, so right now it's only the bike for 10 minutes and walking...but I have the GREEN light to start easing back into working out. That marathon next year is definitely achievable! :)

I sure hope this does something for my peace of mind. I was really starting to feel like a slug. Maybe this will help boost my spirits on a more regular basis and help me remain more positive.

When I was running I would run all my cares and worries away. I was able to think things through and push the garbage to the side without having it eating away at me.

I'm hoping that the time on the bike and walking (until I can start running again) will help my frame of mind and reference. Right now my frame of mind is no where near complete. I contemplate so many different things and let things get to me that I normally wouldn't. And hopefully by having (making) the time to rationally think things through I will be able to better face those things that do bother me which I cannot push to the side.

My workout time is my time when I allow myself to work through all the little problems in my life.

For the past two months, all the little problems have been building up and eating away at me. I didn't want to face them. Today I gave some thought to a lot of different things. It felt good. I don't know why I don't allow myself to face things/problems at other times... Maybe something I can contemplate tomorrow. ;)

I just feel really good right now. I mean, I know Drew was on match...and well, whatever. I mean it bothered me a little, but I told myself...self, get over it, you said you could deal, so deal and stop freakin' looking. :) Could be all those wonderful feel good endorphins that are coursing through my body right now.

I think working out helps me feel good about myself. I am woman hear me ROAR! LOL!! :D

Now I'm off to make dinner...and relax. And I will truly relax because...

I am back in action!!!! WooHoo!!!!

Willingness to Wait

Okay, so I never brought up the match.com thing this weekend... I know, I know... I should have. Looks like I am just a coward.

And I also know that what Mr. Big wrote is what I am floundering on. Am I willing to wait with the possibility of him realizing that I am the one and am willing to wait with the possibility of being left behinds?

As much as I do not like that he looks...the feelings I have for him out far weigh it.

I suppose that I am not confronting the situation because I don't want to lose him. I don't want to push him away...

I honestly believe that he has trust and relationship comittment issues. I say this because Drew has been 100% upfront with me so far...I have no reason to believe that he would lie to me.

Like I've said, the match thing is the only real thing that I don't like... I love the way I feel when I'm with him. I love the way he makes me laugh. I love the way he cuddles up behind me in the morning. I love the way he smiles at me. I love our witty banter...like an old couple who's been together for years. I love the way we can talk about anything and nothing. I love doing things for him and the way he appreciates me for doing them. I love how we walk the dogs, how he calls Zeus his dog, but won't pick up the poop.

There are so many little things that I love about Drew...which allows me to have a willingness to wait. Well, at least for now.

Blah

Well, if Drew is up to no good, he sure doesn't act like it.

Got in early this a.m. and he had already emailed me with a little xoxo at the bottom.  He doesn't do that too often, sometimes, but not all the time.  He calls me at lunch or right after work sometimes when he's really busy at work.  We spend most of the weekends together…  Blah, blah, blah…

Part of me feels bad about looking/checking the match thing all the time.  I think I just need reassurance that there is no funny business going on…

I just don't get it.  Maybe I am making big deal about nothing.  I have a guy friend who tells me that men do this sometimes and that I shouldn't read too much into it.

I don't know.  I do know that I'm frustrated and exhausted by the situation.

I need to focus on something else. 

If only I could run, I would run like there is no tomorrow...

Trust or Rather Lack of...

Is something I'm not sure I have in Drew...

Per http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/trust:

Main Entry: 1trust
Pronunciation:
\ˈtrəst\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, probably of
Scandinavian origin; akin to Old Norse traust trust; akin to Old English trēowe
faithful — more at true
Date: 13th
century
1 a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth
of someone or something b: one in which confidence is placed
2 a: dependence on something future or contingent : hope b: reliance on
future payment for property (as merchandise) delivered : credit furniture on trust>
3 a: a property interest held by one person for the benefit of another b: a
combination of firms or corporations formed by a legal agreement ; especially :
one that reduces or threatens to reduce competition
4archaic : trustworthiness
5 a (1): a charge or duty imposed in faith or confidence or as a condition
of some relationship (2): something committed or entrusted to one to be used or
cared for in the interest of another b: responsible charge or office c: care , custody child committed to her trust>

I know I've only mainly written about the good times, but I just cannot get passed a few things...

Drew is not 110% into our relationship like I am.

When we had "the talk" he said he wasn't actively looking, but if something came along who knows and that who knows how long our relationship would last...months, a year, 5 yrs, 10 yrs...

I don't want to look, I don't want to date anyone else... I've told him this. He's also said that he is good with the way things are with us as well.

Okay, so here's the problem... I have a membership on match.com that is good for another couple months... I don't go on to look, but I do respond to men who email me letting them know that I am dating someone. I get the emails from the site with potential and browse through them, but don't look or spend any amount of time poking around the site. Drew also has a membership...and he is on it ALL THE FUCKING TIME and it is driving me crazy. How do I know? I know because I view his profile without logging in... I can't help it. Is it right? No. But I just cannot help myself.

He has been logging in so frequently it's just ridiculous. He logs in both at work and at home several times a day... In fact, he's logged in after I have left his house after we've been intimate... And he's been logged in tonight since around 10pm with his "IM me now!" on and it's 10:25 now...

Yesterday when I got home from work, I checked on him, I saw the "IM me now!" on... I thought about it and then I logged in, IM'd Drew making an excuse for emailing someone that I wasn't interested and telling him that when I got done I saw that he was online, so I couldn't help but IM him. Okay, so I lied...a little. The guy I said that I was emailing actually did email me about a month or so ago... I had the old email, so IM'd Drew the profile of the dude...who happened to be in his late 50's! Any who...

Drew replied back he wasn't looking... Just poking around humoring himself. WTF?!?!

It makes me sick to my stomach. I know I shouldn't be checking on him...but I can't help it.

Trust is everything to me. Everything. Without trust there is no foundation to a relationship.

When we are together, it's wonderful and all my doubts fall to the weigh side. Well, for the most part... There are a couple things Drew does/doesn't do that I just don't understand, but I'm willing to look passed them.

Okay, 10:33 and his "IM me now!" is still ON!!!!! I'm livid...and hurt...and feel completely betrayed.

This Friday we are supposed to spend at his place...plans are to rent a couple movies and chill out. I cannot handle this any longer. I need to know what is going on. So I am going to bring up the logging in this week and seeing him with his IM on and how it bothered me. He doesn't need to know that I know that he is either online or on with his IM on all the time.

This is the one thing that just crushes me...completely and utterly crushes me. This is a man that I thought/think that I love...and when I see this match shit, I feel hurt, angry, confused... I feel lost. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me...even though I know that I am a good person and have given him 110% and more. I hate what this has done to me, making me a raving lunatic...but know I'm doing it to myself because I am the one who is checking on him!

Wow...10:48...still has the IM on... Is he really IMing all this time? Did he leave the computer on in the room and go watch the games (Wings / World Series)? What the hell is going on?

Actions speak louder than words....and right now his actions are speaking volumes to me... Speaking? Okay, they are screaming or perhaps the voice in my head is...run, hide, don't look back, get out now... ...do something, anything so you will only be hurt just a little, so while your heart will break it will be able to mend is some short semblance of time, so maybe you will able to salvage your friendship with him (ha, wishful thinking)...

I made a choice after "the talk". I chose to stick it out even though I knew he wasn't into things 110%. I chose to stick it out even though he admitted back then to clicking the match.com links.

10:58 he is logged off.

I feel so sad...and afraid of what is going to happen when I tell him on Friday that I was a bit bothered about him being on IM yesterday. I think that when I bring up this topic either I will find out that he really IS looking or that he HAS found someone else or that he will freak that I'm asking him about it.

I'm so afraid because I am so at ease with myself when I am with him and can just be myself.... Plus, I can accept his flaws, well, with exception of this match thing. I have never really had been able to do that with any other man. We get along so great and I am so afraid of losing it... I was really, really thinking he could be the one.

But I just cannot continue to live with this hanging over my head and lurking in the back of my mind...and continuing to feel this way...sitting here crying, feeling sorry for myself, wondering what the hell he has been doing online...

I have to confront the fact that I am having issues regarding trust....or rather lack there of...

Young Woman

My daughter's boyfriend broke up with her this past Saturday after the Homecoming Dance. He lives about 30-40 minutes away and apparently the distance is too much for him to handle... My daughter was heartbroken...

This was her first real big heart break... I felt so bad for her. As I sat listening to her, my heart was breaking for her. I wanted to make everything better. I wanted to take away her hurt. But there was nothing I could do.

As a parent, there are so many things that we are helpless with when it comes to a child. I hate that helpless feeling...

I know my daughter's heart will heal. I know that she will have a lesson learned from all of this. But as a parent I just want to make all the sorrow, pain, hurt, sadness, anger, uncertainty, questions go away and make everything okay. Unfortunely, I could not do that. All I could do is tell her that I'm sorry, that I wish she wasn't going through this, that while it may not seem like it now, there will be other guys and happy times ahead of her and hug her and just be there for her.

We sat on the couch for a while Sunday night...me just holding her. It was nice...it reminded me of when she was a little girl. I miss that...

Alas, she's no longer a little girl any longer.

Listening to her logically talk through things made me realize, once again, that there is no dought that she's definitely a young woman.

What's Running?

OMG, I cannot wait for these stupid ankles to heal. I had an appt last week and the orthopedic surgeon said at least four more weeks of healing. I have been extremely good and followed all directions, have been drinking my soy protein and even added calcium and D supplements to my daily routine.

I am going into running withdrawals here... I haven't ran since August 29th and I'm losing it!!!! No running and no jump roping. No cardio at all! ACK!!!! I can't take it much longer.

I did buy some dumbbells last week. I started doing some lifting in the evenings at home....but it isn't the same as the runners high I used to get. I feel like a lump and I know it is going to be a slow tedious recovery.

Orthopedic surgeon said I will only be able to do recumbent bike for five minutes at a time adding two minutes each week. It will be excruciatingly slow to get back to where I was... Running 20-25 miles a week.

Right now it's been so long that all I can think is...What's running???

Gone Fishin'

A couple Fridays ago Drew and I went fishing. A buddy of his backed out and he asked me if I wanted to go and I said sure.

Drew packed up the fishing boat and came over for the night. We got up at 5 a.m. and were out the door by around 5:30 a.m. I don't even get up that early to go to work! LOL!!! Anyway, we launch the boat, it's freezing on the water and toddle around till Drew finds a good spot.

Drew sets up our poles and asks me to show him how I cast. I cast the line... Not bad...I think he was impressed that I could cast! ;P So, Drew catches the first fish, a pike. He takes it off the lure and throws it in. We stay in that spot a little while longer and are talking. I don't bother looking at my pole and realize that I may have a fish... I tell Drew that I think I may have something...and hand him the pole. He tries reeling it in, but it gets away before we get it to the boat.

We move to a new spot. Drew catches the next fish, another bass, and throws it back. We stay a little while longer and we are talking again and I say, I think I have another fish! I pull my rod up one or two times...Drew reminds me to reel... Ah yes, that all important reeling in of the fish...doh! I guess I was quite a sight because he was laughing, I was laughing and the fish wasn't getting any closer to the boat. It wound up being a small bass. The hook was way inside, so we cut it out and threw the fish back.

We move around two or three more times...no luck. But then I get a whopper on the line. Again we were chatting and I wasn't paying attention. I go crazy with the rod again and Drew reminds me to reel and not raise the rod up... So what do I do, raise up the rod, of course! LOL!!! The fish gets closer...it's huge!!! I try reeling and reeling and raise the rod again...and what happens? The freakin' line breaks! The bass is 10 ft from the boat and it got away! Sheeot! The one that got away!!!!

Again we move around a couple times...at the end of the day, Drew caught two and I caught four. He couldn't believe that I even caught anything given my while reeling in of the fish technique... Apparently it's all luck!

We wound up being out on the water for a long while... It was a lot of fun. More fun than I thought it would be. And I got more fish than Drew. WooHoo! Sue the Fisher Woman! LOL!!!

Any who...where was I going with this... Oh yes, Drew said he would want a rematch. No problem, I tell him.

Yesterday Drew was over for dinner and watching the Presidential Debate. While we were eating he asks if I want to go fishing again on Friday. I tell him I need to check vacation time and with boss man.

So looks like we are going fishing on Friday. Can't wait to out fish him again... It should be fun and the weather will be warmer. Supposed to be low 70's on Friday. He'll come over tomorrow night, we'll watch the Detroit Red Wings season opener, get to bed early and head out early Friday a.m.

Guess I'll have to set up my work out of office message again to read...

"Gone Fishing.........."

And yes, I really did set the last one to start out like that! ;P

Mom, this isn't comfortable, but..

...you said that if I ever needed to talk to you about this, that I could.

Me: Okay, what is it you want to talk about.

Daughter: Well, I think I want to go on the pill.

Me: (while washing dishes with my back to her, mouth gaping open, trying not to miss a beat) Oh...

Daughter: Yeah...

What a freakin' shocker! This happened last week. Basically, my daughter doesn't want to have sex until she is married, but wants to be safe.

So she's thinking about it. And I think that she is moving towards having sex vs. waiting until she is married.

We had a long discussion. Thank goodness we have such an open relationship. My parents never talked to me about sex...let alone birth control...

During the talk, she told me that Jaba and Donkey Face think that by telling her that she should come to me for birth control that I am encouraging her to have sex. WTF?! I don't want my 16 / 17 / 18 yr old coming to me and saying, "mom, I'm pregnant...." Wanting her to be safe does not mean I am encouraging her...

Any who... I told her that I would make an appt with my ob/gyn so that she could weigh her options. I also told her that I would be calling her father to talk about it.

So I called Jaba. We had a good discussion for about 20 minutes...no yelling, no hanging up... I made it seem like it was all on him on what we should do and stressed many times that I thought we needed to show our daughter that we were united on this front. I also talked to him about the conversations I have had with her in the past and that I was floored and not ready for the "I want to go on the pill" conversation. Her dad said everyone was doing it at 15 /16 when he was a kid... I told him sex was the farthest thing from my mind at that age...which it was...I wanted nothing to do with sex (far different story today...lol!!!!)

I think the only reason the conversation went well was because I spun things to be all his idea/his decision/his everything...

It just pissed me off that he would even think I could consider encouraging my daughter to have sex at such a young age. I'm doing everything I can to make her not want to have it... Unreal, but I suppose I shouldn't expect anything less from such a dumb ass...

I'll be taking my daughter to the ob/gyn on Thursday. Hopefully, Dr. M. can help my daughter make the right choice as far as birth control...as well as, make her realize that boys her age only care about sex and not love...

I guess I'm just fearful that she thinks she has to have sex to keep a boyfriend... I know when I was her age, I did some really weird shit to get a guy's attention. Plus, she doesn't have the most positive relationship with Jaba... And she has had quite a few boyfriends over the past year...

I have to say that this is not comfortable for me either...as a parent I always strive to do what is best for my daughter... In a way I feel like I've failed, but in another I feel like I've succeeded...I mean she is talking with me, so that's extremely good... I guess I'm scared... And I don't want my little girl to grow up...I'm not ready for her to grow up. I just want her to make the best choices possible and not have any regrets.

It's definitely not easy and I'm sure it's not going to get any easier as time goes on...