Waiting

I am in a funk.  I am blah.  I am lost.  I have no idea why.

I have so very many things going for me right now...

I have my health, my family, my friends, my job, my condo, my car, my faith...

There is no explanation for the funk.

Maybe I'm expecting some great miracle or revelation given the season?  

I honestly don't know.

It makes absolutely no sense.

I don't really "want" anything.

This funk I'm in...totally...makes...no...sense.

So, here I am listening to a podcast by Craig Groeschel.  It's resonating with me and I feel the need to share some things from it.

• God's delays in responding for what we ask for/pray about are not God's denial of those things. 
• Because He hasn't answered your prayer now, doesn't mean that He will not answer it.
• It could be a Divine Delay - it may not be now because He has to do something in us before he does something for us.
• During the wait, God gives us patience, teaches us to call on Him, to press into Him, to walk by faith and not by sight, to trust Him anyway, that His ways are higher than ours....
• Sometimes He has to do something in us before He does something through us.  Divine Delay.
• Sometimes He has to do something in us before He does something for us.  Divine Delay.
• If God always meets our expectations, then He would never have the opportunity to exceed them.
• A waiting season is not a wasted season.
• God works through situations we are in to be glorified by them.
• The things we want aren't always as good as the things God has planned for us.
• Our greatest disappointment may become the setting of God's greatest miracle for us which exceeds all of our expectations.

Check it out...it's totally worth the listen/watch:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAUE4PC0seM 

Sad to say, as good as it was, the podcast did nothing for my current state of being.

I'm still in a funk.  

I still have no clue what's next.

I still have no understanding of the place I am in.

But...

I truly know that God is with me.

I truly trust in God to bring me through this.

I truly know that this season is not wasted.

I truly know that God is busy doing some kind of work in me.

I truly know that my waiting is going to be worth it.

No Other Reason

Why celebrate Christmas?

Many celebrate because it's a holiday.

Many celebrate because that is what they have always done.

Many celebrate to receive and give gifts.

Christmas is much, much more than that.

So much more.

Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ.  

God’s son’s birth.

God’s son is Jesus.

Jesus was born of an immaculate conception.

Jesus was born for a purpose.

God sent his son, Jesus, to be born and die for us.

Jesus was born sentenced to a horrific death.

Jesus was born to die for the forgiveness of our sins.

Jesus was born to die so that you and I could have eternal life.

Jesus was born to die for us.

To Die For Us……

Jesus was born of a virgin.

Jesus was born in a manger.

Jesus was born the son of a carpenter.

Jesus was baptized by his cousin in the name of God his father.

Jesus performed miracle after miracle.

Jesus was doubted by both his disciples and people who witnessed his miracles.

Jesus knew we would disappoint both him and God, his father, time after time after time.

Jesus died a horrific, long, suffering, publicly humiliating death…

Jesus knew it all before it happened. 

Jesus lived it anyway.

Jesus did it all for our eternal life.

So, why celebrate Christmas?

Christmas celebrates our savior.

There is no other reason.

Hats and Masks

Each and every one of us wears many hats and masks every day...whether we realize it or not.  

We are, or at least we try to be, many things to many different people.  We put on the hat of counselor, caretaker, dish washer, maid, driver, confidant...  We sometimes find ourselves putting those hats on even when we don't want to.

And we may even wear a mask from time to time.  Perhaps we put on a happy face to mask our feelings of sadness, anger, surprise, astonishment, awe, love, embarrassment, fear, unworthiness, confusion, discouragement, frustration, etc…

Don't you think...

...it's time to stop hiding.

...it's time to start living.

...it's time to free ourselves.

...it's time to #FindTheJoy.

...it's time to truly #BeHappy.

I do.

Down with the Chatterbox

There are times when I would give nothing to keep the past the way it was...and there are other times I would just wipe it all way.

Today was one of those times.

It's so ironic, confusing, frustrating to me.  My past combined with the actions of the present makes me who I am today.

Today my actions speak to who I am.

Yesterday's actions are in the past, but they helped shape who I have become.

I am who I am today.  

I am not who I was yesterday, a month ago, a year ago, etc...

It's very frustrating for me because I interact with people in a cyclical nature at work.  People who interact with me today may or may not interact with me again for a month, six months or a year.

It's those who haven't interacted with me for x amount of time who interact with me now and have a preconceived notion of who I am or rather who I was.  I'll just say it, I could be a down right kibble sometimes.  And if things didn't go my way or I didn't think someone was doing what I believe to be right...oh brother...look out.  Sue-magedon!  

The key thing there is the "I".  It was all about me.  WAS.  Past tense.

I know who I am.  I know how much I have changed.  I know who I live for today.

But sometimes, something random happens.  

Sometimes, someone comes out of left field and makes a triple play to the core of my being which brings doubt, worry, discouragement, confusion as to whether or not I have made any progress at all.

I know I have made huge strides to be who He wants and expects me to be.  

But then...WHAM!  

It's like a sucker punch to the gut.  The wind gets knocked out of me.  

I sat there, today, staring and wondering...did that conversation really happen?  Did that person really say that about me?  How in the world could that be?  Don't they see me for who I am today?

And then I think that it could have happened because that is who I used to be.  

It hurts because I am trying to be the person I know God wants me to be.

I know it shouldn't affect me like this.  

I know I should keep on walking my walk.  

I know this, but I sit here stalled.  Confounded.  Confused.  Doubting.  

I want to whack myself in the head and say - "Get with it, Sue!  Listen to what you tell everyone else!  Can't you see that what "they" say doesn't matter?!?!  Repeat after your own self these things...  I am anointed.  I am empowered.  I am cherished.  I am worthy.  I am strong.  I am courageous.  I am forgiven.  I am His."

But, still, I find myself sitting here wondering...and then beating myself up because I know I shouldn't wonder.

So crazy.

.....long pause.....

It's time to put on the armor and beat the crap out of the stupid chatterbox in my head.  

The chatterbox is going down.  

It's with His help that I will wield the sword that delivers the killing blow.

My final thought for the night...Down with the chatterbox!  

Keep it In or Open it Up

Keep it all in.  So many of us seem to do that quite a bit these days.  I know I'm guilty of it at times.  

I want hold on to everything going on with all my might.  I don't want to give it up.  I don't want to share the real truth.  I want to keep all my fears and worries and burdens locked deep inside.  I hold on to them with every bit of strength within me.  I grasp on to them as if they are oxygen to my soul.  And I build a wall up around myself to keep everything barricaded inside.

But when I hold on to these things they become like an anchor.  An anchor weighing down my heart.  An anchor holding me in place.  An anchor pulling me down deeper and deeper into the muck.  They keep me stuck in the depths of despair / sadness / hurt / anger / fear / shame.  It's like someone hit the pause button and I'm stuck standing there frozen in place.

The longer I keep things in and the tighter I hold on, the worse things get.  The lonelier I feel.  The more shame and sorrow I experience.  The more fear wells up inside of me.

Have you ever felt that way?  Not wanting to let go because you think you will... 

Be laughed at?  
Looked down upon?  
Made fun of?  
Become vulnerable?  
Have to rely on someone other than yourself?
Open yourself up to possibly be hurt?

I have.  

Too many times to count.

But I've learned that is no way to live life.  To truly be free and find peace, I've had to let everything go.  I've had to share what is hurting my heart.  I've had to share my deepest fears.  And I've had to put it all out there and make myself completely and utterly vulnerable by sharing the real me.

It's those times...the times that I freely give...that I am truly and honestly living.  I mean, haven't you ever held something in for a long time? Then when you finally share whatever it is...it's like a weight is lifted off of your shoulders...and you experience a huge sense of relief.

When we hold onto our hurts, worries, doubts, fears, we can't receive.  When we put up walls, our minds and hearts are closed.  When we are holding on, our arms and hands are clasped tightly shut. 

To receive, we have to open up.  Open our hearts to love.  Open our minds to a new way of living.  Open our arms to let others comfort us.  Open our hands to receive what others have to offer us.

I choose to open myself fully.  I choose to do this daily.  Yes, daily, because it's not easy.  In fact, it's terribly difficult sometimes.  Sometimes it's so difficult that I look to God for the strength and courage to do so. 

I have to open myself up fully so I can receive what God's son, Christ Jesus, fully opened himself up to give us. (John 3:16)  Jesus opened his heart, opened his arms and opened his hands...so that you and I could have eternal life.

What will it be?  

Keep everything closed up and stay rooted in the muck?  

Or let it all go and open up to the promise of a bright and glorious future?

Only Human

Some days are perfect beyond belief.  And then some days are tough, I mean, really tough.

Our love is tried.  Our patience is tried.  Our kindness is tried.  Our self control is tried.

Often times when we face these trials, we fail.  And sometimes that failure is abysmal.  We lash out.  We curse.  We indulge.  We judge.  We criticize.  We hate.  We plummet to places in our souls we forgot existed or even knew were there.

We give in to our weaknesses…whatever those weaknesses are.  We all have them.  Boy, do we have them.

Yesterday morning, I completely and utterly failed and let my weaknesses get the best of me.  And it wasn’t just a little failure.  It was an epic failure.  Because when I do things, I do them big…I’m either all in or all out…  

I won't to go into the gory details.  I will say that I was unfaithful to God and lacked both patience and self control. 

In the middle of my failure, I pulled out some bible verses I carry with me.  I read them.  Okay, if I'm going to be completely honest, I skimmed them.  I did not allow them to calm me down.  And then I blew multiple gaskets.  I was furious about the circumstance I was in and that people weren't living up to my expectations.  Yup, "my" expectations weren't being met (which is a topic in and of itself) and I was not happy about it.  

Afterwards…I was not happy with myself.  I was appalled that I allowed myself to slip back into my old ways.  I reached out for the prayer of others to help calm me.  I prayed for forgiveness. 

It’s one thing to slip up.  It’s another to let those slips define us. 

While praying, I found myself repeating the following which brought me comfort and peace…

I am not my weakness.

I am not my mistakes.

I am not  perfect.  

I am a sinner.

I am repentant.

I am forgiven.

I am made of flesh and blood.  

I am human.

I am His.

Self Serve?

One on my beliefs is that we must lose all sense of self to be true followers of Christ Jesus. (Mark 8:34-35, Matthew 16:24, Luke 9:23, Proverbs 3:5-6)

Losing all sense of self...denying oneself...  

What exactly does that mean?  Losing all sense of self?  

Basically, we lose ourself when we stop obsessing over ourselves.  We stop serving ourselves.

Not focusing on ourselves seems to be a completely foreign concept in today's society.  We all appear to be so wrapped up in ourselves today.  Because, after all, it really is all about me.  Right? 

We want things now.  We carry our phones around like they are part of our bodies.  We want our calls, our texts and our emails now.  We want  everyone to "like" and "view" what we post now.  We want immediate responses.  We want the latest and greatest version of everything.  Even if it's not broke we replace perfectly good things - phones, TVs, tablets, cars, clothes, the list could go on and on...  We want it all and we want it now.

We want more.  We aren't happy with just one.  We have to have more.  We have to have bigger...better....more improved.   How many people have more than one TV in their house?  How many people wait for the latest and greatest release version of something we own?  How many people want more money so we can buy more things?  How many people have to have a certain brand of something or have things with a specific label?

We want and we want and we want...

What if we stopped pursing all of kinds of "things" and starting pursing love?

Love.  

Yes...love.

Jesus tells us to love God and love others (Matthew 22:37-39).  We aren't  command us to love ourselves.  We aren't told to do whatever we can to make ourselves feel good.  We are told to love others.  


Love is an action.  

We must act.  When we act, we are idly sitting by.  So when we act are are intentionally and purposefully do something.

If we are loving others...we can't be serving ourselves at the same time.  

Basically, when we intentionally love others we intentionally serve others...we lose ourselves.

Pretty simple when you think about it.  A little harder to put it into action.

So who will you be serving?  

Will you be sitting idly by?  

Or will you chose to act and intentionally love?

But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, 

then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, 

whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. 

But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”

Joshua 24:15 NIV

Who's Got the Power

The Spirit of the God who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you. So the God who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your bodies. He will do this because of his Spirit who lives in you.

Romans 8:11 (NIRV)

The same power that rose Jesus from the grave...lives in us.  

That power lives in us.

Wow.  Unreal.  How awesome is that?!  It's completely and utterly awesome!  

But do we really believe it?  

Do we?  

I mean truly and honestly believe it?

If we did, everything would be achievable.  Every goal.  Every ambition.  Every dream.  

Peace, joy, love, compassion, patience would fill our hearts.

Doubt, fear, insecurity, shame, worry wouldn't exist.

What does that say about our faith in God?

What does that say about our trust in the promises of Christ Jesus?

We have this supernatural power inside us and yet we let the voice of the enemy rule our thoughts more often than not.  

We question our actions and decisions.  We doubt our abilities.  We fear the unknown.  We stress and worry about the littlest things.  We are so easily discouraged.

God created us to love Him.  God sent His son to die for our sins.  God had it all planned out.  He KNEW we weren't PERFECT and he sent his SON to DIE for for us ANYWAY.  And it's through Christ that we can do ANYTHING. 

It's when we trust and believe and step out in faith that we move from a dark and dreary existence into a bright and glorious life.

It's when we trust in God and go beyond ourselves that we truly start living.

We need to trust that we have the power.

So when life is getting hectic and things are weighing you down...

Remember to tell yourself...

I'VE GOT THE POWER!!!

Suffering = New Life

I just received a text from a friend saying that she was reading a book on suffering, thought of me and hoped I was having a great day.  And not that I found her text funny, but I actually laughed when I read it...then was really inspired to start writing.

A couple years ago, I would have said...  That my life sucked and would have used lots of colorful language to emphasize the suckiness of it.  That I didn’t think life was fair.  That somehow I always got the short end of the stick.  That my life didn’t turn out as I planned.  That I had amounted to nothing.  That everything I started somehow did not get finished.  That I was a failure.

When I think about it now, I honestly don’t believe my life has been bad.  In fact, I think it’s turned out really great!  I love my life…well, most of the time anyway!  LOL!

Suffering…hmmmm….

Yes, before now I would have said that I had been through hell and back multiple times.  And perhaps I have.  But today I am able to look at what I’ve been through in a new light.  From a different perspective.  In a new way.  In His way.

If I hadn’t experienced everything I had, I wouldn’t be in a position to do the things I am doing today.  

If I hadn’t experienced everything I had, I don’t think my love for God would be as great as it is today.

If I hadn’t experienced everything I had, I wouldn’t be able to connect and empathize with people on so many different levels as I am able to today.

I can look back and see that my suffering had a purpose.  Its purpose was not only to redirect me to the path I was supposed to be on, but to prepare me to do the work God intends for me to do.  Am I 100% sure of what His purpose is for me?  No.  But I do know that I am going in the right direction.  I also know that my suffering has prepared me to experience great joy and peace…a peace I never though was possible!  And it has given me clarity in the way I view things and the way I live my life.

Now when I’m in the middle of suffering…instead of wallowing in shame, self pity or regret (for very long), I am able to turn to His word, give thanks and rejoice for the many blessings I have been given.

In the same way, I will not cause pain 

without allowing something new to be born.”…

Isaiah 66:9 ERV

As I’ve personally experienced...out of suffering comes...clarity, direction, purpose, peace…a renewed life!

Connections

Connections.

We are all connected.  
We are connected whether we realize it or not.

Connections.

We may cherish them.  
We may not like them.  
We may thrive on them.  
We may withdraw from them.  
We may seek them out.

Connections.

We make them unknowingly.  
We make them mistakenly.  
We make them intentionally.  

Connections.

Some last a moment.  
Some last a lifetime.  

Connections.

Can bring a smile to our faces.  
Can bring tears to our eyes.  
Can bring love into our lives.  
Can bring us to places we’ve never imagined.  
Can bring us unending fear, pain and sorrow.  
Can bring us peace, comfort and joy.

Connections.

Without them we would be alone.  
Without them we would be isolated.  
Without them we would be without conflict.  
Without them we would be without love.
Without them we would be without purpose.

Connections.

Choose Jesus

The Enemy.  Lucifer.  Satan.  Angel of Darkness.  The serpent.

Regardless of what we call him, he opened the door, we walked in and we fell from grace.

Because we fell from grace we were sentenced to be hated and attacked by Lucifer. (Genesis 3:15)

It is the enemy who works to create unrighteous feelings within us.

I have been doubting myself as a Christian at work.

I believe I am playing a role in making a positive difference for the kingdom of Christ.

I don’t think the enemy appreciates what I am doing.

I truly believe the enemy is preying on my weakness…specifically, my doubts at work.

I completely freaked at work today.  I went over the deep end and assumed (yes, yes, I know what that makes you and me) the worst of the worst.  I completely feel into his trap.  I actually dove into his trap head first.  I didn't pass Go, I didn't collect $200, I just went right on into his trap.

Why is it that we so easily believe the enemy's lies?  

Why is it that we find it difficult to believe the promises of our Savior? 

It all goes back to our hearts.  Protecting our hearts above all else. (Proverbs 4:23)

I think we are so used to the garbage going into our heads, and ultimately our hearts, that it makes it just that much more difficult to believe the truth.  

Believing the truth.  

God is the truth.

John 14:6 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

And that's the red letter text! (the red text in a red letter bible is what Jesus said during his life here on earth)

God sent his son to die to forgive our wrong doing.  To give us ever lasting life.  To give us eternity with Him.

We are THAT important to God.  I mean think about it.  Giving your only child for the lives of those in the world.  How many among us could do that?  It's huge!  Huge!

And yet we still doubt ourselves.  Question our worth.  Wonder about our importance.  Ponder our existence.  Even after God gave His son for us!

Jesus defeated the enemy for us.  He body slammed him.  The enemy was down for the count and taken out by God.  

Our job is to take that leap of faith, have hope, believe and walk with the Lord.

Why does it seem that every single time God extends His hand to us...we question?  We go into crisis mode.  The alarm sounds.  The sirens blast.  We duck and cover.

Imagine how God must feel when we do that...  Giving His ONLY child to death to see us consistently waiver back and forth...

I'm really not sure where I was going with this...only know that it's been eating at me all evening.

::long pause in typing::

All evening I've been feeling like I was failing again.  I mean I fell right into the enemy's trap.  But now that I've been thinking about it I don't think so.  I think it actually shows growth.  If I wasn't growing spiritually, I wouldn't be thinking about it.  And if I wasn't thinking about it, I wouldn't be able to do anything about it to make changes so that it doesn't happen again.

I'm done with the devil.  He's taken enough of my life.  He cannot have any more.

I choose Jesus.  

Personal Change

Being a Christian does not mean I am perfect.  I mess up all the time.  Boy, do I mess up.  Being a Christian means I realize what I did wrong and make changes to ensure it doesn’t happen again…the biblical word for that is repentance.

According to Wikipedia (non-biblical definition):  "Repentance is the activity of reviewing one's actions and feeling contrition or regret for past wrongs. It generally involves a commitment to personal change and the resolve to live a more responsible and humane life."

Seeing and realizing what I’ve done wrong is easy.  At least it is now.  As soon as I do something wrong, I know it.  I stop.  Literally, stop, dead in my tracks.  My eyes grow wide.  Depending on how bad it is, I may scream at myself (in my head, of course), “Sue!!!!”  More often than not, I look up and say, “I’m sorry Lord!” - sometimes out loud, sometimes just mouthing the words and sometimes in my head.  And if another person is involved I apologize to them as well.

The difficult part is making sure it doesn’t happen again.  That is the intentional part.  Being intent on doing good at all times and making changes as needed along the way.

1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

We admit to doing wrong…confess.  God is faithful and wipes the slate clean…Jesus died so that we could be forgiven.  Jesus’ death washes away our wrong doing…purifies us.  From everything that is bad…unrighteous.

I've got all that down.  It's the next step, the personal change.  The making sure it doesn't happen again that I need to work on.

For me...I expect myself to be good all of the time.  Not a very realistic expectation given I'm human.  Perhaps it's because I'm pretty open about being a Christian.  So when I do mess up I feel like the spot light is on me and a siren goes off.  It may sound strange, but I am really very aware of my wrong doings.

Making sure it doesn't happen again.  Making personal change to make sure it doesn't happen again.  I don't know why this is bothering me.  Something about it has been pulling on my proverbial coattails all day.  

Perhaps it's because I have had to give myself several "time outs" at work last week.  I have been really struggling with keeping my composure.  I haven't lost it which is good.  But I have had to tell someone I would have to call them back and have walked away from groups at least two or three times in the last week to pray and regain my composure.  

Light Bulb Moment! 

Yesterday, I was telling a friend not to be so hard on themselves.  I may have even waggled a finger at her. Seems I need to take my own advice.  Seems I shouldn't be fretting.  Seems like I have been changing after all.  If I hadn't started writing, I would have never come to this conclusion.

Slow.  Intent.  Personal Change.  Got it.

Intentional

So there I was this a.m. at 6AM in bed wide awake and thinking about what it means to be a Christian.

I have to say that it can be very difficult at times.  Everything I do now is done intentionally.  I just don't "do" things any longer.  I stop and think about them.  Yup, them...that would be everything.  Everything I do is intentional.  

What kinds of things?  Well...

Let's take music choices.  You're probably thinking there isn't anything wrong with music.  It is awesome.  But is all of it awesome?  Have you ever stopped to think about the words you hear in mainstream music?  I mean, stop and think about it. Most popular music is full of sex, scandal, drinking, partying, drugs, lust, anger, and all kinds of other innuendos and insinuations...  So I listen to christian stations now.  I love them and I love the music.  It's uplifting, it's calming and it helps put me in the right frame of mind especially when I'm I'm driving.  Instead of being the crazy lady behind the wheel, I'm now the one watching all the other crazy drivers thinking to myself, "That used to be me."  Any way, I digress...  I guess what I'm saying is that what you listen to is what you're filling your head with.  

And then there is TV and movies.  Nowadays it seems like the majority of the shows are filled with scandal, lust, sex, nudity, drinking, cheating, lieing, stealing, killing, deception, foul language...the list could go on and on.  I choose not to watch the majority of what's on TV for that reason.  In fact, I was watching some old seasons of the original CSI Tuesday evening and I stopped.  Strip clubs and murder...I couldn't do it any longer.  I literally stopped the stream and turned something else on.  I know it sounds strange.  CSI.  Everyone watches that.  Well, not me.  Any longer that is.  Again, it's what we fill our heads with.  

Ah and movies...this is the doozy.  I can't tell you how many movies I've stopped watching or DVDs I've returned after viewing the first 10 or 15 minutes.  Again...it's all about what goes into the noggin'!

Swearing.  Oh yes.  This was a big one for me.  I did not realize how much I used to swear.  For many it seems so normal and natural to swear.....I mean everyone does it even kids.  It's probably the cultural norm now.  I used to call myself "Sue the Sailor Mouth".  Pretty sad and disgusting when I think about it now.  About a year ago, I actually wore a ponytail holder on my wrist and would snap it when I swore or thought about swearing.  I actually had welts!  Okay, well not really, but you get the idea. Do I swear now...yes, sometimes it slips.  But I immediately realize what happened and do my best to continue not to do it again.  It's that head thing again...what's in the head...

Reactions.  This is a good one, too.  We all have a choice to react to things that happen in our daily lives.  We can choose to let them upset us.  We can choose to let something that happened ruin our entire day. Or we can choose to accept what happened and turn the other way.  Someone can wrong us...we can choose to forgive them or we can choose to be angry or hurt or upset and let them have power over us.  Standing in line at the store waiting our turn.  We can choose to get annoyed if it's taking to long or we can wait our turn patiently.  

Yes, we make choices.  You make them.  I make them.  Everyday.  All day long.

Have you ever heard of this verse?  Proverbs 4:23  Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

You see what is in our heads ultimately transfers to our hearts.  And what is in our hearts comes out of us through our words and our actions.  If we fill our heads with garbage long enough, eventually garbage will come out.  If we fill our heads with good, then good will come out.  Seems simple enough.

So what does all of this have to do with being a Christian?  In the Bible, we are given three great commands...love God (Matthew 22:37-38), love one another (Matthew 22:39) and spread the good news (Matthew 28:19-20).  

Loving God and others...I can't do that if I've got garbage coming in and going out.  And if I want only good to come out, I have to be intentional, very intentional, about what goes in and what comes out of my mind and my heart.

Loving.  Doing things with love.  Doing things out of love.  When you stop and think about it...that covers A LOT of ground...it's really everything we do.  If we are not doing things in love...then we are going against God's commands.  And if we want to be true Christians, we must follow God's commands, right?

Living my life in love as a Christian has not come easy.  It's really hard.  So very hard sometimes.  The cultural norm is not to live in love, but to live for ones self.  To do things because it feels good.  To do things to go along with the crowd because if it's okay for them, it's okay for me, too. 

When we live in love, it's not about us...it's about others.  How we treat others.  How we talk to others.  How we handle ourselves. What we decide to do in all situations.  It's about forgiving others when they wrong us.  It's about apologizing to someone when we wrong them.  It's about doing the right thing even when it seems impossible and goes against the grain. 

It's about being intentional.  

Wake Up and Smell the Coffee

I'm pretty sure that is the call I've been getting the last few weeks.  

God's been calling for me to wake up and get things going in the right direction in all aspects of my life.

And since the migraine fog has lifted, I must admit that I have a renewed energy about everything in my life.

Everything!  Even work.  I've been really struggling to stay engaged...full engagement now!  Super busy and happy about it.  Happy to be at my job which I have been loathing for months!  Months!  Unreal!  Who would have thought?!  Definitely not me that's for sure.  So excited.  Even got out of bed early this a.m. to get to work on time!  That's a first in...as long as I can recall.  Woot!  Woot!

I'm excited about the next season of women's study at church.  And I'm pretty sure we have our next study picked.  I'm praying about it!  And praying more lives will be touched.  

I'm also excited to start "connecting" again at church.  How I've missed it.  I got so caught up in the "tasks" when I was leading that I lost my sense of purpose and direction.  Well, it's back now and this girl is on FIRE for the LORD!!!!  

Like I put in my last entry, I had been reading and praying on scripture that says to REJOICE in ALL situations and TRUST in the LORD.  He definitely came through loud and clear on his reply.  

This girl is wide awake and raring to go!

It's Not About Me

I’M BACK!!!!!  Praise GOD the steroid burst is working!!!! 

Wow, what a difference in how I feel…it’s completely unreal.  After two plus weeks of having multiple migraines every day…relief!!!

I’m not sure what I would have done if I hadn’t had God’s word to fall back on.  I am so thankful that He kept on pursuing me.  That He kept on inviting me to join Him.  That He never gave up on me.  

Friday I was on my knees sobbing and praying not once, but twice in the meditation room at work…and Friday is when Dr. Throat Punch (possibly a story for another time) relented and prescribed the Prednisone like I asked over a week ago!  

WooHoo!!!!  I feel like the fog has lifted, my head is no longer in a vice, I don’t have an ice pick coming out from inside my brain out of my eyes, smells and sound and light aren’t an issue, I can think, I can put sentences together, I actually listened to the radio and sang on the way to work this morning!!!!

I’m not 100%...but I’m just ecstatic!!!  I’ve been rejoicing and praising God all day!!!  

And I’m so very thankful for everyone who has been praying for me…so very thankful!!!!

Over the last couple weeks, I’ve been reading and re-reading the following scriptures…they were the light in what seemed to be a never ending sea of darkness.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Philippians 4:4-9 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

1 Peter 1:6-9 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Romans 5:1-5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

God tells us to rejoice…in all things…in all situations…and, yes, that means even in the crappy ones.  I was praising God and thanking him daily for all he gave me.  I mean I have a job, a car, a condo, great family and friends…so many blessings that I am ever thankful for.  And during those prayers, I asked Him to heal me or to give me strength to make it through each day until I was healed.  And by His grace He gave me that strength.  For over two weeks He gave me strength daily.  Don’t get me wrong, I told Him that I knew that it was in His way and in His time that he would heal me…but I wasn’t happy that it was taking so long…and, yes, I knew that he would be faithful to my prayers…in His time.

Something really struck me, now I’m talking striking me to the core, is when a friend was praying for me on the 27th.  She said “we need her back Lord”…it brought tears to my eyes because it was not only so heartfelt, but so true.  I didn’t need to be “back” for me.  I needed to be back to continue serving others and to continue having God work through me to serve others and partner in His work. 

It’s really not about me.  

Life is not about me.  

It’s about doing His work.  

It's about working with Him to serve others.  

And as I started typing this entry to give thanks and praise to the great I AM, I looked out and saw this…tiny little hearts floating across the sky. 

 My response, “I love you, too, God.” 

I was Naked and I didn't Care

Strange title, I know.  But it seemed fitting and inspiring when it popped into my head.

And I must say it was a strange dream I had last night.  Thousands of little sharks, I'm talking thousands all piled up on top of each other, were coming up on shore and I was chopping their heads off with a gas powered saw.  I wasn't petrified, only slightly scared.  And not even scared...just annoyed that I might get bitten.  Later in the same dream, I was walking on shore, going passed the survivors...I was naked...but I didn't care.  I used one hand to cover my, well you know, while the other hand was wildly gesturing as I spoke to everyone.  Then even later, all of the different groups of survivors started coming by.  At first I wanted to hide because I wasn't sure what they were planning; I mean they could be coming after us or something.  But then I saw they were singing, they were joyful and they were all heading in the same direction...  

At that point I got a text which woke me up.

Any who...

I read this really great devotion this morning.  I watched a similar message from a sermon my friend sent me yesterday.

God is at work around us all of the time.  Yes, all of the time.  Even in the not so good times God is working.  While he is working, he is asking us to work with him.  He pursues us, he invites us, he speaks to us and then he works through us.  All the time.  This is happening all of the time all around us.  God is right here with us all of the time.

In the midst of our mess, our pain, our suffering, our sorrow, our troubles, etc, God asks us to do God Sized Things.  It's when we obey that we we show the level of our faith and love for our Lord.  It's when we obey that those God Sized Things happen.  

And it's the next (thing) that is connected to our now.  What we are supposed to be doing next is connected to what is going on with us now.

I'm in the middle of a mess right now.  I'm into the second week of daily migraines.  And, no, that wouldn't be a migraine a day.  That would be more than one migraine at different times throughout the day on a daily basis.  Yup.  Every day.  For over a week.

So, what  do you think I've been doing?  I've been trying to figure out why.  Why me.  Why suffering.  What does the suffering represent.  

Wrong!  Wrong!  Wrong!

I need to be on the lookout for the God Sized Thing I'm supposed to be involved in!  Oh yay, on the lookout!

Hmmm...the lookout.  On the lookout.  Being on the lookout.

So I thought about it.  What is being on the lookout?  What does being on the lookout entail?  

Here are the are the things that pop in my mind when I think about being on the lookout - Vulnerability, complete honesty, transparency, naked truth...

I was naked and didn't care...  

How Dare You

How dare you?  How dare you come back into my life with such a vengeance?  

The last time you came into my life like this it just about killed me.  You infiltrated every area of my life and left me helpless.  I lost time…so much time.  I missed events.  I missed work.  I don’t remember days of my life because of you.  

What’s worse is that no one but me can see you!  You are invisible to everyone but me!  

On the outside I look okay.  Like nothing is wrong.  But inside…inside you have me screaming for relief!  Screaming for you to go!  Screaming to stop the torment!

You come and go when you please.  But mostly you stay and make yourself at home.  

I’m begging, yes, begging you to go and never come back.  Not even for a short visit.  No calling or texting either.  I am cutting you off from all contact with me.

But I know you won’t listen.  You’ll still come and go as you please.  Like the thief that you are, you’ll rob me of more of my life.

You are relentless.  You’ve captured my head in an ice pick vice and keep turning it tighter with every second that passes.  You’ve amplified my senses of sound and smell to the Nth degree.  My fingers are tingling and at times my body shakes.  Tears stream down my face.  My stomach turns and reals but not in disgust of you but rather because of the pain and sheer exhaustion.  My hands tremble, and not out of fear, but from some internal reaction I have no control over.  My eyes are like hot coals ready to burst into flame and light becomes unbearable.  Putting words together is difficult and my concentration is fuzzy, it’s any wonder that I can actually type this at all.  Fighting you off is exhausting.  Everything, yes, absolutely everything becomes a chore when you are around.

I am praying that I am your only victim.  That you do not try to slink into my daughter’s or glamson’s lives.  I know you are extremely devious and will attack when my guard is down, but I will turn on you and hold you if you even try to go after them.  I would gladly keep you with me if it will keep you away from them.

I ask again, how dare you?  How dare you!

It's not hot in here!

What the heck is up with the hot flashes?  Like out of no where?  And not just during the day, but at night!  Oh boy at night!  And those lovely, little hot flashes at night are more commonly referred to as night sweats.

I’m not sure about you, but one of my all time favorite things is waking up in the middle of the night sopping wet in sweaty pjs.  It may not be so bad it if was only sweaty armpits.  But I’m talking about entire body sweat.  Arms, legs, chest, back, neck… :::shudder:::  …everything but the armpits!

And by the time I wake up, it’s not hot sweat.  It’s cold, clammy, nasty sweat.  To top it off, not only are my pjs drenched…but so is my pillow, my bed and my sheets.  It’s like looking at one of those crime scene body outlines.  Dis.gus.ting.

I have to get up, change into something dry and then search for a dry spot when I climb back in bed…because I’m not changing the sheets in the middle of the night.  

It would be one thing if there was a dance party in my bed.  But it’s not getting hot in there.  No disco ball.  No Nelly.  It’s just me.  Sleeping.  Alone.

Can’t a girl catch a break?  And not break a sweat?