Down with the Chatterbox

There are times when I would give nothing to keep the past the way it was...and there are other times I would just wipe it all way.

Today was one of those times.

It's so ironic, confusing, frustrating to me.  My past combined with the actions of the present makes me who I am today.

Today my actions speak to who I am.

Yesterday's actions are in the past, but they helped shape who I have become.

I am who I am today.  

I am not who I was yesterday, a month ago, a year ago, etc...

It's very frustrating for me because I interact with people in a cyclical nature at work.  People who interact with me today may or may not interact with me again for a month, six months or a year.

It's those who haven't interacted with me for x amount of time who interact with me now and have a preconceived notion of who I am or rather who I was.  I'll just say it, I could be a down right kibble sometimes.  And if things didn't go my way or I didn't think someone was doing what I believe to be right...oh brother...look out.  Sue-magedon!  

The key thing there is the "I".  It was all about me.  WAS.  Past tense.

I know who I am.  I know how much I have changed.  I know who I live for today.

But sometimes, something random happens.  

Sometimes, someone comes out of left field and makes a triple play to the core of my being which brings doubt, worry, discouragement, confusion as to whether or not I have made any progress at all.

I know I have made huge strides to be who He wants and expects me to be.  

But then...WHAM!  

It's like a sucker punch to the gut.  The wind gets knocked out of me.  

I sat there, today, staring and wondering...did that conversation really happen?  Did that person really say that about me?  How in the world could that be?  Don't they see me for who I am today?

And then I think that it could have happened because that is who I used to be.  

It hurts because I am trying to be the person I know God wants me to be.

I know it shouldn't affect me like this.  

I know I should keep on walking my walk.  

I know this, but I sit here stalled.  Confounded.  Confused.  Doubting.  

I want to whack myself in the head and say - "Get with it, Sue!  Listen to what you tell everyone else!  Can't you see that what "they" say doesn't matter?!?!  Repeat after your own self these things...  I am anointed.  I am empowered.  I am cherished.  I am worthy.  I am strong.  I am courageous.  I am forgiven.  I am His."

But, still, I find myself sitting here wondering...and then beating myself up because I know I shouldn't wonder.

So crazy.

.....long pause.....

It's time to put on the armor and beat the crap out of the stupid chatterbox in my head.  

The chatterbox is going down.  

It's with His help that I will wield the sword that delivers the killing blow.

My final thought for the night...Down with the chatterbox!