Time Will Tell

Wow, back in action…such a relief! I can't begin to explain the number of withdrawals I've had from not putting my thoughts and feelings down...I was going to say "to paper", but, let's face it, this is just me typing with my words showing up on a screen.

So much has happened, I'm not even sure where to start… I suppose starting from my last entry would be a good place. Plus, I think it will help me wrap my head around everything that has transpired over the last two weeks.

So, after the email...I gave Paul some space. I let him be and wrote the entry about not hearing from him, that I needed to get some stuff from him and guessed that was that. The day I wrote that entry, he called me on my way home from work. We talked for a good hour. Some where in there, Paul told me that he found my blog and freaked. So, I told him that I shouldn't have put his email up there word-for-word and that I would close it down as a symbol to show him that I was serious about us. He said he needed time to think. I told him that we both did. That was the 14th.

We pretty much didn't talk the rest of that week or the weekend. Sunday, 19th, I was watching TV and got a text...thought it was my daughter...but it was Paul telling me he had sent an email. It basically said he was still not feeling good and that he wanted to continue but wasn't willing to compromise on anything. I called him and we talked for a bit...decided that we would see each other on Saturday as he was going to be out of town all week.

Monday, 20th, I text Paul to see how he was doing...he text back. Tuesday texted again mid-day; he text back. No other communication. Wednesday...nothing. I figured I had my answer after all I had said to him about how important communication was to me. I mean, he's on the road, lots of spare time on his hands and he didn't even call. In my mind, I had my answer and I was not willing to compromise myself, so...we were done. If he wasn't willing do do anything, I wasn't willing to compromise myself. Been there, done that...not willing to do it again. Thursday I get a text from him saying he's feeling better... Thursday night he text me, too... By this time, I thought too little, too late...

Friday, my girlfriend from GA flew in. I spent a fabulous day with her and her son. That night I went to a mini-high school reunion. Around 9:30 Paul text me and asked me to call if I didn't get home too late. I figured, why should I call him when he hasn't given any extra effort. So no call or text from me that night.

Saturday a.m. I text Paul and we arranged to get together later in the day. I had gone shopping with my sis during the day and relaxed a bit before I went over to his house. I walked in with every intention of having our relationship end. I sat down on the couch...he patted the seat next to him and I didn't move. It was tense. Paul said he was sorry. I didn't really say anything... He said he was hungry and did I want to grab a bite to eat. I said we had some things to talk about. He said he knew. He said he was sorry (about a million times), that he was wrong, that he knew a relationship required compromise, that he was willing to put his ex in her place, that he was willing to work on communicating more, that he didn't want to lose me...

I just sat there dumfounded. What was up with the change? Why the change? He said he realized all this earlier in the week. I asked why no call. He really didn't have an answer, he said he knew we said we planned to get together and that I would hold to my word. I told him a phone call would have made all the difference in the world. I mean, I probably still would have been pissed/hurt, but at least I would know that he was willing to work on things and that we would talk more on the weekend. No communication after all I had said to him...I told him that I took that as he was unwilling to do anything, that he wasn't going to compromise, that it was either his way or no way. He nodded... He said he was sorry again. He said if he could take back everything he said that he would.

I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. I didn't know what to say. I felt like I had hit a brick wall. I was moving forward and ready to move forward without him...and said as much to him. In fact, he was the one that brought it up and basically said/asked - you walked in here ready to end things. I shook my head and said yes, pretty much. He looked sad and said that he couldn't blame me.

We talked about the blog. I told him that I wanted to blog, that it was a part of me and who I was. He said okay. I couldn't believe it.

I had to ask again why the change. He said that when he was sick that he didn't care about anything...his kids, his work, me, nothing... Again he said he was sorry and that he wishes that the last few weeks wouldn't have happened...

I told him I needed to think about what I wanted to do. He said okay, but could we go to dinner. So we went and ate and brought some ice cream back to his place. We chatted a little while longer and I told him that I was going to go home to think. He said okay and did I want to go with him to see his daughter's softball game Sunday. I said okay.

So I went home and sat and watched TV for a couple hours before heading to bed.

Sunday I got up, couldn't sleep...and did some running around early that morning. While I was out Paul called me. Yes, that's right...no text message, but rather a phone call! He was checking to see if I still wanted to go to the game, I said yes. I told him I would swing by and pick him up. We talked a bit at his daughter's game and more afterwards back at his place. He asked if I had talked to anyone or blogged. I told him no. He looked surprised. I told him that I needed to think about things without any outside influence. That I needed to make up my mind with what I thought was best for me. And after a bit, I told him I needed a bit more time to think about what I wanted to do. I told him that I needed to figure out if I could get passed all of this and believe in what he had told me over the passed two days because it was so much different than the message that he had been sending over the passed two weeks....the whole compromise vs no compromise...

I went home and sat and thought. I decided that I needed to give things a chance with us. That if he was really willing to do all the things he said, that I would be willing to try and get passed this. I mean, prior to the incident I really like this guy...did I really want to throw all of that away?

So back I went to his place. It was awkward... I didn't know what to say. I could tell that he figured it was over because what came out of my mouth first was that I was still mad/upset and didn't know if I could get passed it or how long it would take. After I said that, I froze. I thought...what am I doing? Can I really believe him? Can I trust that he wasn't just saying all of that so that he wouldn't lose me? Eventually all of that came out. And then I told him that I was willing to try and see how things would go. Once all was said and done, we sat and cuddled on the couch for a while after that and I eventually went home... Side note: I got home only to find that the dogs had eaten yet another pair of shoes - a really cute pair of dressy flip flops I had just purchased! Grrrr!

I know I probably don't have the sequence of all the conversations right, but that was pretty much how it went...and much, much more was said...we talked for a long time. I have to say that during the conversations that I could tell that Paul was very sorry... He said that over the past few months that he had learned to read me, but now he had no idea what I was going to do or say. I thought, good! But at the time I also thought...yeah, neither do I.

Any who...

Today, I woke up feeling confused and unsure. I still feel hurt... But if he's willing to do all the things he said he was going to do, I feel like I have to try as well. He knows where I stand and that I am serious about what I've said and how I feel. If he doesn't want to lose me, he'll hold true to his word. I have to believe that.

He actually called this morning. I don't think he has ever called me during the day at work...so it appears that he is trying. That's a good thing! :) It's a start...and a move in the right direction. He's going out of town for a couple days, Tuesday evening, I think - gosh, I can't recall!, so, I think we'll be getting together later this evening.

So...we shall see...and time will tell.