A Little Bit of Everything

Tick, tock…tick, tock… Almost 11 a.m. and no reply from Paul. Can't say I'm surprised…but I guess a little disappointed.

Hmmmm…

As much as I try to convince myself that I would be able to tolerate Paul's weird relationship with his ex, I just don't know if I can do it. A little over a month ago we had a similar conversation about his ex and here we are again…same topic.

I'm just sitting here at work and thinking about the differences and similarities between us. Maybe we are just at two different points in our lives. I want to find someone to be with for the rest of my life and I expect the person I am with to be on the same page relationship-wise. And just as importantly, I need the person I am with to communicate with me. I think that is why I stayed with Drew so long…as badly as he treated me as a "girl friend" we talked and communicated on a regular basis and that is something I NEED in a relationship…and something I feel is lacking with Paul. Like I said to Paul in my email to him, "To me, trust may be the foundation, but communication is the way to build upon that foundation. Sometimes I feel like all we do is text...and not talk...or at least not as much as I would like to." And this, "I guess what I'm saying is that I need more than text messages. I'm not saying that I need marathon conversations. I'd be happy starting out with two minutes... Okay, maybe more than two. ;)" And this, "Communication...expectations... I guess one relies on the other. I guess I have certain expectations and haven't really communicated them very well. Relationships aren't one sided and neither are problems. And as such I have to take some of the blame."

Even if our communication improved…would that solve the problem of the weird relationship with his ex and my ability to tolerate it? I mean, if I was getting everything I needed from Paul to feel like he cared about me as much as I care about him…would their freaky relationship still bother me? Part of me says no, part of me says maybe, part of me says hell ya!

Sometimes I wonder if I just expect too much… Although, I do think my question/statement says a lot - "...if I was getting everything I needed from Paul..."

I just want to be able to talk to him on a regular basis. I mean how much is it to ask to be able to talk to the person you are supposed to be in a relationship with on a daily basis?

There is also a part of me asking the question, am I expecting too much too soon? Paul made a comment about us dating for only three months yesterday evening which kinda stung. Is three months too soon to expect so much from him? Is it really so much? Maybe I am moving faster down the relationship road than him? And I said as much in my email to him as well...that we may be at different points in the relationship. Maybe I'm just used to being in long term relationships and expect there to be this magical "poof" and that we should be living happily ever after... And here I am again and it's not happening (as quickly as I think it should be - there are those expectations again!). And, then again, maybe Paul has a point about me analyzing and over analyzing until things (like this) are blown out of proportion.

After thinking and rethinking and re-rethinking, I suppose there is a little bit of everything mixed in there... LOL!

The bottom line is that all I want to is to be happy… :)