Doing so much better tonight.
I think I just had a bad day...the entire day was crap and it seemed I was sanpping at everyone. Not good.
When I picked up my daughter, she was like...Mom, are you okay. Errr, ummmm...No! Poor thing. After I picked her and her boyfriend up, we went and bought her a strapless bra and then picked up her prom dress from being altered. I'd say it took me a good two hours, a drink, talking to Paul and a tanning session to unwind. At least I was able to relax a bit while tanning. And I was able to talk to Paul for a good half hour. :) Not to mention talk to my g/f from GA tonight. :) All is well in the world of Sue. Gosh, that just sounds ridiculous - the World of Sue! LOL!!!
Any who...I'll be taking my first happy pill tonight, so we'll see if that helps with the anxiety and the other peri-menopausal symptoms. For the past several months, I've been having some pretty strange feelings... Last month I cried everyday for a week and for no reason at all. Just so happened the crying spell was a week before my period. I've been wacked out off and on for longer than I can recall, so I called my dr. Should I mention that over six months ago I spoke with him and he was willing to give me an Rx back then, but I wasn't willing to take it?! I seriously think either it's peri-menopause or I'm just flat out depressed or full of anxiety. Regardless, my OB/GYN thinks I have enough symptoms that he Rx'd me some happy meds. I figured I might as well take him up on the offer given I can't take it emotionally any longer. I'm sure the situation with Paul hasn't helped, but, honestly, I just feel completely out of control regarding my emotional state of being. ::sigh:: Anything to help me feel normal....whatever that may be.
So first happy pill tonight and then...
Happy, happy, happy!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Chill Out
Getting all of the previous entry out made me feel better…guess I just needed to think through things.
It is what it is and I've determined I just need to chill out and go with it…
Feelings Today
Boy, not sure how I feel about things today.
I truly like Paul. I care about him. I like his kids…for what I know about them anyway.
Yesterday when I was out running errands I was talking with my sis and she asked me if I was happy. She said that I didn't sound happy. And, to be honest with myself, I'm not sure I am...
Paul is out of town and I thought I would hear from him last night. It was getting close to 8 p.m., so I called him. He sounded annoyed. I told him I called to say hi and good night. He said thanks. I told him I thought he sounded annoyed, he said he was frustrated from dealing with his ex. Apparently, she's going out of town with her boyfriend for a long weekend. Her boyfriend wants to have work done on his car and stay the night at her place Wednesday night so they are closer to the airport. So the ex called Paul's mom to see if the kids could stay with her Wednesday night as Paul was to be out of town until Thursday. Huh?!?! He said that he told her never to contact his mother again without first talking to him. He then said he was going to be home tomorrow night to get the kids. What?! She can't tell her asshole boyfriend he can't stay, so you're going to work to appease her AGAIN? Hello!!!!!! He said he was doing it for the kids. I said, no you're doing this for her. I told him I thought she was a piece of work...and used that phrase more than once. I told him I couldn't believe she called his mother. He reiterated that he told her never to do that again.
I had called him to tell him that I was trying to forget about things and move on and get to hear this?!?!?! I was pissed. He knew I was pissed. I did tell him that I appreciated him being honest with me. And I did tell him that it was nice of him to do that for his kids...he laughed when I said that...and I replied that I was trying to let it go. We laughed and chatted a bit more before hanging up.
Part of me thinks that I over-reacted because everything is still so fresh and I'm still on the edge about how I feel about things. As much as I think I can get passed all this, can I? Will I react like this every time she pulls some shit? He did tell her that she shouldn't be contact his mom without going through him...so that's good.
I hate feeling like this.
I guess a part of me still questions how he feels and I'm not sure why.
I mean, do I expect him to react to his ex the way I would? Maybe that's a part of it. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things...my way is definitely not always the right way or the only way to deal with things. I would have read her the riot act... He he did say that she was crying during the conversation, so either she really felt like shit or she was playing the oh woe is me card.
I also have to realize that it is going to take time for me to get passed the incident...but how much time? And I have to realize that Paul is not going to change over night. ::sigh::
I suppose I just want things to happen instantaneously. I can be very impatient and very stubborn (as can Paul; stubborn that is).
It's sort of like being in limbo...I feel like I'm sitting here waiting for things to get better or for things to head south.
I think I just need to relax and take one day at a time. And not to think about things so much.
But...I just don't know how I feel about things right now.
...it is good to get it all out! I feel so much better! :)
Monday, April 27, 2009
Nice Evening.
I went to Paul's this evening after picking up some food.
We talked and watched Slumdog Millionairre (great movie) and then talked a bit more...
It was a really nice evening. :) :) :)
We talked and watched Slumdog Millionairre (great movie) and then talked a bit more...
It was a really nice evening. :) :) :)
Time Will Tell
Wow, back in action…such a relief! I can't begin to explain the number of withdrawals I've had from not putting my thoughts and feelings down...I was going to say "to paper", but, let's face it, this is just me typing with my words showing up on a screen.
So much has happened, I'm not even sure where to start… I suppose starting from my last entry would be a good place. Plus, I think it will help me wrap my head around everything that has transpired over the last two weeks.
So, after the email...I gave Paul some space. I let him be and wrote the entry about not hearing from him, that I needed to get some stuff from him and guessed that was that. The day I wrote that entry, he called me on my way home from work. We talked for a good hour. Some where in there, Paul told me that he found my blog and freaked. So, I told him that I shouldn't have put his email up there word-for-word and that I would close it down as a symbol to show him that I was serious about us. He said he needed time to think. I told him that we both did. That was the 14th.
We pretty much didn't talk the rest of that week or the weekend. Sunday, 19th, I was watching TV and got a text...thought it was my daughter...but it was Paul telling me he had sent an email. It basically said he was still not feeling good and that he wanted to continue but wasn't willing to compromise on anything. I called him and we talked for a bit...decided that we would see each other on Saturday as he was going to be out of town all week.
Monday, 20th, I text Paul to see how he was doing...he text back. Tuesday texted again mid-day; he text back. No other communication. Wednesday...nothing. I figured I had my answer after all I had said to him about how important communication was to me. I mean, he's on the road, lots of spare time on his hands and he didn't even call. In my mind, I had my answer and I was not willing to compromise myself, so...we were done. If he wasn't willing do do anything, I wasn't willing to compromise myself. Been there, done that...not willing to do it again. Thursday I get a text from him saying he's feeling better... Thursday night he text me, too... By this time, I thought too little, too late...
Friday, my girlfriend from GA flew in. I spent a fabulous day with her and her son. That night I went to a mini-high school reunion. Around 9:30 Paul text me and asked me to call if I didn't get home too late. I figured, why should I call him when he hasn't given any extra effort. So no call or text from me that night.
Saturday a.m. I text Paul and we arranged to get together later in the day. I had gone shopping with my sis during the day and relaxed a bit before I went over to his house. I walked in with every intention of having our relationship end. I sat down on the couch...he patted the seat next to him and I didn't move. It was tense. Paul said he was sorry. I didn't really say anything... He said he was hungry and did I want to grab a bite to eat. I said we had some things to talk about. He said he knew. He said he was sorry (about a million times), that he was wrong, that he knew a relationship required compromise, that he was willing to put his ex in her place, that he was willing to work on communicating more, that he didn't want to lose me...
I just sat there dumfounded. What was up with the change? Why the change? He said he realized all this earlier in the week. I asked why no call. He really didn't have an answer, he said he knew we said we planned to get together and that I would hold to my word. I told him a phone call would have made all the difference in the world. I mean, I probably still would have been pissed/hurt, but at least I would know that he was willing to work on things and that we would talk more on the weekend. No communication after all I had said to him...I told him that I took that as he was unwilling to do anything, that he wasn't going to compromise, that it was either his way or no way. He nodded... He said he was sorry again. He said if he could take back everything he said that he would.
I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. I didn't know what to say. I felt like I had hit a brick wall. I was moving forward and ready to move forward without him...and said as much to him. In fact, he was the one that brought it up and basically said/asked - you walked in here ready to end things. I shook my head and said yes, pretty much. He looked sad and said that he couldn't blame me.
We talked about the blog. I told him that I wanted to blog, that it was a part of me and who I was. He said okay. I couldn't believe it.
I had to ask again why the change. He said that when he was sick that he didn't care about anything...his kids, his work, me, nothing... Again he said he was sorry and that he wishes that the last few weeks wouldn't have happened...
I told him I needed to think about what I wanted to do. He said okay, but could we go to dinner. So we went and ate and brought some ice cream back to his place. We chatted a little while longer and I told him that I was going to go home to think. He said okay and did I want to go with him to see his daughter's softball game Sunday. I said okay.
So I went home and sat and watched TV for a couple hours before heading to bed.
Sunday I got up, couldn't sleep...and did some running around early that morning. While I was out Paul called me. Yes, that's right...no text message, but rather a phone call! He was checking to see if I still wanted to go to the game, I said yes. I told him I would swing by and pick him up. We talked a bit at his daughter's game and more afterwards back at his place. He asked if I had talked to anyone or blogged. I told him no. He looked surprised. I told him that I needed to think about things without any outside influence. That I needed to make up my mind with what I thought was best for me. And after a bit, I told him I needed a bit more time to think about what I wanted to do. I told him that I needed to figure out if I could get passed all of this and believe in what he had told me over the passed two days because it was so much different than the message that he had been sending over the passed two weeks....the whole compromise vs no compromise...
I went home and sat and thought. I decided that I needed to give things a chance with us. That if he was really willing to do all the things he said, that I would be willing to try and get passed this. I mean, prior to the incident I really like this guy...did I really want to throw all of that away?
So back I went to his place. It was awkward... I didn't know what to say. I could tell that he figured it was over because what came out of my mouth first was that I was still mad/upset and didn't know if I could get passed it or how long it would take. After I said that, I froze. I thought...what am I doing? Can I really believe him? Can I trust that he wasn't just saying all of that so that he wouldn't lose me? Eventually all of that came out. And then I told him that I was willing to try and see how things would go. Once all was said and done, we sat and cuddled on the couch for a while after that and I eventually went home... Side note: I got home only to find that the dogs had eaten yet another pair of shoes - a really cute pair of dressy flip flops I had just purchased! Grrrr!
I know I probably don't have the sequence of all the conversations right, but that was pretty much how it went...and much, much more was said...we talked for a long time. I have to say that during the conversations that I could tell that Paul was very sorry... He said that over the past few months that he had learned to read me, but now he had no idea what I was going to do or say. I thought, good! But at the time I also thought...yeah, neither do I.
Any who...
Today, I woke up feeling confused and unsure. I still feel hurt... But if he's willing to do all the things he said he was going to do, I feel like I have to try as well. He knows where I stand and that I am serious about what I've said and how I feel. If he doesn't want to lose me, he'll hold true to his word. I have to believe that.
He actually called this morning. I don't think he has ever called me during the day at work...so it appears that he is trying. That's a good thing! :) It's a start...and a move in the right direction. He's going out of town for a couple days, Tuesday evening, I think - gosh, I can't recall!, so, I think we'll be getting together later this evening.
So...we shall see...and time will tell.
So much has happened, I'm not even sure where to start… I suppose starting from my last entry would be a good place. Plus, I think it will help me wrap my head around everything that has transpired over the last two weeks.
So, after the email...I gave Paul some space. I let him be and wrote the entry about not hearing from him, that I needed to get some stuff from him and guessed that was that. The day I wrote that entry, he called me on my way home from work. We talked for a good hour. Some where in there, Paul told me that he found my blog and freaked. So, I told him that I shouldn't have put his email up there word-for-word and that I would close it down as a symbol to show him that I was serious about us. He said he needed time to think. I told him that we both did. That was the 14th.
We pretty much didn't talk the rest of that week or the weekend. Sunday, 19th, I was watching TV and got a text...thought it was my daughter...but it was Paul telling me he had sent an email. It basically said he was still not feeling good and that he wanted to continue but wasn't willing to compromise on anything. I called him and we talked for a bit...decided that we would see each other on Saturday as he was going to be out of town all week.
Monday, 20th, I text Paul to see how he was doing...he text back. Tuesday texted again mid-day; he text back. No other communication. Wednesday...nothing. I figured I had my answer after all I had said to him about how important communication was to me. I mean, he's on the road, lots of spare time on his hands and he didn't even call. In my mind, I had my answer and I was not willing to compromise myself, so...we were done. If he wasn't willing do do anything, I wasn't willing to compromise myself. Been there, done that...not willing to do it again. Thursday I get a text from him saying he's feeling better... Thursday night he text me, too... By this time, I thought too little, too late...
Friday, my girlfriend from GA flew in. I spent a fabulous day with her and her son. That night I went to a mini-high school reunion. Around 9:30 Paul text me and asked me to call if I didn't get home too late. I figured, why should I call him when he hasn't given any extra effort. So no call or text from me that night.
Saturday a.m. I text Paul and we arranged to get together later in the day. I had gone shopping with my sis during the day and relaxed a bit before I went over to his house. I walked in with every intention of having our relationship end. I sat down on the couch...he patted the seat next to him and I didn't move. It was tense. Paul said he was sorry. I didn't really say anything... He said he was hungry and did I want to grab a bite to eat. I said we had some things to talk about. He said he knew. He said he was sorry (about a million times), that he was wrong, that he knew a relationship required compromise, that he was willing to put his ex in her place, that he was willing to work on communicating more, that he didn't want to lose me...
I just sat there dumfounded. What was up with the change? Why the change? He said he realized all this earlier in the week. I asked why no call. He really didn't have an answer, he said he knew we said we planned to get together and that I would hold to my word. I told him a phone call would have made all the difference in the world. I mean, I probably still would have been pissed/hurt, but at least I would know that he was willing to work on things and that we would talk more on the weekend. No communication after all I had said to him...I told him that I took that as he was unwilling to do anything, that he wasn't going to compromise, that it was either his way or no way. He nodded... He said he was sorry again. He said if he could take back everything he said that he would.
I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. I didn't know what to say. I felt like I had hit a brick wall. I was moving forward and ready to move forward without him...and said as much to him. In fact, he was the one that brought it up and basically said/asked - you walked in here ready to end things. I shook my head and said yes, pretty much. He looked sad and said that he couldn't blame me.
We talked about the blog. I told him that I wanted to blog, that it was a part of me and who I was. He said okay. I couldn't believe it.
I had to ask again why the change. He said that when he was sick that he didn't care about anything...his kids, his work, me, nothing... Again he said he was sorry and that he wishes that the last few weeks wouldn't have happened...
I told him I needed to think about what I wanted to do. He said okay, but could we go to dinner. So we went and ate and brought some ice cream back to his place. We chatted a little while longer and I told him that I was going to go home to think. He said okay and did I want to go with him to see his daughter's softball game Sunday. I said okay.
So I went home and sat and watched TV for a couple hours before heading to bed.
Sunday I got up, couldn't sleep...and did some running around early that morning. While I was out Paul called me. Yes, that's right...no text message, but rather a phone call! He was checking to see if I still wanted to go to the game, I said yes. I told him I would swing by and pick him up. We talked a bit at his daughter's game and more afterwards back at his place. He asked if I had talked to anyone or blogged. I told him no. He looked surprised. I told him that I needed to think about things without any outside influence. That I needed to make up my mind with what I thought was best for me. And after a bit, I told him I needed a bit more time to think about what I wanted to do. I told him that I needed to figure out if I could get passed all of this and believe in what he had told me over the passed two days because it was so much different than the message that he had been sending over the passed two weeks....the whole compromise vs no compromise...
I went home and sat and thought. I decided that I needed to give things a chance with us. That if he was really willing to do all the things he said, that I would be willing to try and get passed this. I mean, prior to the incident I really like this guy...did I really want to throw all of that away?
So back I went to his place. It was awkward... I didn't know what to say. I could tell that he figured it was over because what came out of my mouth first was that I was still mad/upset and didn't know if I could get passed it or how long it would take. After I said that, I froze. I thought...what am I doing? Can I really believe him? Can I trust that he wasn't just saying all of that so that he wouldn't lose me? Eventually all of that came out. And then I told him that I was willing to try and see how things would go. Once all was said and done, we sat and cuddled on the couch for a while after that and I eventually went home... Side note: I got home only to find that the dogs had eaten yet another pair of shoes - a really cute pair of dressy flip flops I had just purchased! Grrrr!
I know I probably don't have the sequence of all the conversations right, but that was pretty much how it went...and much, much more was said...we talked for a long time. I have to say that during the conversations that I could tell that Paul was very sorry... He said that over the past few months that he had learned to read me, but now he had no idea what I was going to do or say. I thought, good! But at the time I also thought...yeah, neither do I.
Any who...
Today, I woke up feeling confused and unsure. I still feel hurt... But if he's willing to do all the things he said he was going to do, I feel like I have to try as well. He knows where I stand and that I am serious about what I've said and how I feel. If he doesn't want to lose me, he'll hold true to his word. I have to believe that.
He actually called this morning. I don't think he has ever called me during the day at work...so it appears that he is trying. That's a good thing! :) It's a start...and a move in the right direction. He's going out of town for a couple days, Tuesday evening, I think - gosh, I can't recall!, so, I think we'll be getting together later this evening.
So...we shall see...and time will tell.
Monday, April 13, 2009
So Sad
As much as I hate to admit it....
I thought I may be able to love this man and that he could possibly be the one.
I'm just soooo sad. :(
I thought I may be able to love this man and that he could possibly be the one.
I'm just soooo sad. :(
Over and Outta Here!
Blah, blah...
Men.
Apparently, Paul is too sick and too stressed to reply and needs some "TIME".
Whatever. I have my answer.
Anon - you were right, he's just not that into me.
I'm over...and outta here!
He received no reply from me to his two sentence email and isn't gonna get one. And if he comes begging back...unless he has something stellar to say and has had a million ephiphanies...No Go!
Time for drinks with my psuedo brother Richard!!!! :) :)
Men.
Apparently, Paul is too sick and too stressed to reply and needs some "TIME".
Whatever. I have my answer.
Anon - you were right, he's just not that into me.
I'm over...and outta here!
He received no reply from me to his two sentence email and isn't gonna get one. And if he comes begging back...unless he has something stellar to say and has had a million ephiphanies...No Go!
Time for drinks with my psuedo brother Richard!!!! :) :)
A Little Bit of Everything
Tick, tock…tick, tock… Almost 11 a.m. and no reply from Paul. Can't say I'm surprised…but I guess a little disappointed.
Hmmmm…
As much as I try to convince myself that I would be able to tolerate Paul's weird relationship with his ex, I just don't know if I can do it. A little over a month ago we had a similar conversation about his ex and here we are again…same topic.
I'm just sitting here at work and thinking about the differences and similarities between us. Maybe we are just at two different points in our lives. I want to find someone to be with for the rest of my life and I expect the person I am with to be on the same page relationship-wise. And just as importantly, I need the person I am with to communicate with me. I think that is why I stayed with Drew so long…as badly as he treated me as a "girl friend" we talked and communicated on a regular basis and that is something I NEED in a relationship…and something I feel is lacking with Paul. Like I said to Paul in my email to him, "To me, trust may be the foundation, but communication is the way to build upon that foundation. Sometimes I feel like all we do is text...and not talk...or at least not as much as I would like to." And this, "I guess what I'm saying is that I need more than text messages. I'm not saying that I need marathon conversations. I'd be happy starting out with two minutes... Okay, maybe more than two. ;)" And this, "Communication...expectations... I guess one relies on the other. I guess I have certain expectations and haven't really communicated them very well. Relationships aren't one sided and neither are problems. And as such I have to take some of the blame."
Even if our communication improved…would that solve the problem of the weird relationship with his ex and my ability to tolerate it? I mean, if I was getting everything I needed from Paul to feel like he cared about me as much as I care about him…would their freaky relationship still bother me? Part of me says no, part of me says maybe, part of me says hell ya!
Sometimes I wonder if I just expect too much… Although, I do think my question/statement says a lot - "...if I was getting everything I needed from Paul..."
I just want to be able to talk to him on a regular basis. I mean how much is it to ask to be able to talk to the person you are supposed to be in a relationship with on a daily basis?
There is also a part of me asking the question, am I expecting too much too soon? Paul made a comment about us dating for only three months yesterday evening which kinda stung. Is three months too soon to expect so much from him? Is it really so much? Maybe I am moving faster down the relationship road than him? And I said as much in my email to him as well...that we may be at different points in the relationship. Maybe I'm just used to being in long term relationships and expect there to be this magical "poof" and that we should be living happily ever after... And here I am again and it's not happening (as quickly as I think it should be - there are those expectations again!). And, then again, maybe Paul has a point about me analyzing and over analyzing until things (like this) are blown out of proportion.
After thinking and rethinking and re-rethinking, I suppose there is a little bit of everything mixed in there... LOL!
The bottom line is that all I want to is to be happy… :)
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Not Ready to Give In.
I'm not ready to give in. A relationship takes two people and there are always two sides to everything.
I think Paul and I have a chance to last.
I sent him an email this evening trying to explain myself and my perspective.
We'll see what he says...because like I said, I'm not ready to give in.
I think Paul and I have a chance to last.
I sent him an email this evening trying to explain myself and my perspective.
We'll see what he says...because like I said, I'm not ready to give in.
Could Be Right...
Whomever left the comment that Paul just isn't that into me could very well be right.
I talked to him again and he just does not understand where I am coming from and thinks I am over analyzing and micro-analyzing things.
Errr... Ummmm... No. I know what is normal and having your ex text you at 1:3o in the a.m. after she leaves her boyfriend's house and then respond back to have her bring something over is not fucking normal. I don't give a f that she is a nice, caring person...there has to be a line drawn somewhere...and this goes way beyond the line of normalcy.
I told Paul that your significant other should be doing those things for you. His reply... "how do you know if you can have a long term relationship after three months". Okay. I see how it is. Apparently his other girlfriends have commented on the abnormal relationship with his ex...and I'm guessing either weren't around long enough or didn't really care... Couldn't get Paul to answer to that last one - how long were they around and did they really care? No answer. Lovely.
I've had it. I'm so freakin' tired of men and their damn games.
My guess is the commenter could very well be right...
(shit, why did I have to say that I didn't like things going at an even keel...an even keel would be nice right about now!!!!!)
I talked to him again and he just does not understand where I am coming from and thinks I am over analyzing and micro-analyzing things.
Errr... Ummmm... No. I know what is normal and having your ex text you at 1:3o in the a.m. after she leaves her boyfriend's house and then respond back to have her bring something over is not fucking normal. I don't give a f that she is a nice, caring person...there has to be a line drawn somewhere...and this goes way beyond the line of normalcy.
I told Paul that your significant other should be doing those things for you. His reply... "how do you know if you can have a long term relationship after three months". Okay. I see how it is. Apparently his other girlfriends have commented on the abnormal relationship with his ex...and I'm guessing either weren't around long enough or didn't really care... Couldn't get Paul to answer to that last one - how long were they around and did they really care? No answer. Lovely.
I've had it. I'm so freakin' tired of men and their damn games.
My guess is the commenter could very well be right...
(shit, why did I have to say that I didn't like things going at an even keel...an even keel would be nice right about now!!!!!)
Deal Breaker
How quickly things can change... Plugging along without a care and then WHAMO! you're splat in the face with shit pie.
So yesterday seemed to be going along pretty uneventful. I was out shopping and running errands. I was looking for frames for some pictures I was having developed for Paul (and one for his ex, too - picture, not frame) and got Paul a really nice Detroit Tigers jersey to wear to the games this summer.
So I text Paul that I have a surprise for him and ask if I can pop by for a minute. He gives me a time and I swing on by a little after 3pm. I walk in with watermelon, a balloon and the jersey... I start cutting up watermelon and then put the rest in the fridge. I notice some food from the store and ask if he'd been out. He says no that his ex brought it by. Instantaneously the short hairs on the back of my neck stand on end and every muscle in my body stiffens up. I ask if she was by with the kids and he says no. I was livid. He didn't want me coming by, but she does and with food? Ok... I try to let it go...and he offers no explanation.
So we're sitting there and I'm getting ready to leave while fiddling with all the different boxes of meds on his table. I notice a box of Excedrin Migraine (the med I've been trying to talk him into taking and he doesn't want to and didn't want me to buy for him on Friday) What comes out of my mouth - "I suppose she bought this for you, too." Whoopsie! He asks what that was supposed to mean, I say it's just a question and leave because again he just looks at me and gives no explanation.
I get to my car and lose it. I can't believe it. After all the shit we talked about regarding his ex this happens? It's like a slap in the face. I get on the phone with my sis and am ready to turn around walk in and tell him to fuck off. Livid. I was livid. I just couldn't believe it.
So eventually I calm down. I decide to go back without calling him with some food. I go over around 6:30... I knock and walk in. I put the food in the fridge and sit down. I tell him that I was hurt. I couldn't believe that she was there when he didn't want me to be there. He says what did you want me to do, call you at 2 in the morning asking you to go get some meds for me when I know the ex is out and on her way home. HUH? I tell him yes. I ask him who he is with her or me and that he should be calling his girlfriend and not his ex-wife. He says he didn't want me to see him unshowered for three days looking like crap. I told him I didn't care that he is sick and should look like crap. I also told him that I just didn't understand. I asked why no explanation earlier. He said he could tell I was mad and didn't want to have to explain every time he talks to the ex. Huh? You know I'm mad so you say nothing? WTF? He tells me that I don't trust him, that I think that he values her needs over mine, etc... (here we go with the twist-o-roonie - put it back on me..not his fault) OMG, that made me even more pissed off. I tell him I don't care that they talk, that he helps with kids, that they get along. But there is a fine line that I believe he has crossed. Okay, be friends with your ex...but who should you rely on if not your significant other in a time of need?
We went back and forth for a good hour or so... We got absolutely no where. I told him that he just didn't understand that the relationship he has with his ex isn't normal. (There have been other instances, but I've been trying to let them go and I can't let them go any longer.) I told him his actions are going against what he tells me. He couldn't understand. I told him that he didn't understand because he doesn't think it's abnormal. Who would call their ex at 2 in the morning to bring over meds? Oh...she was on her way home from her boyfriends. How did he know she was on her way home at 2am? Whatever.
If I don't trust him, it's because his actions have led me to not trust him.
This a.m. I was taking some eggs by his house and his car was gone. I had texted him 20 minutes earlier and no reply. So I call him. He answers the second time - the first time the ringing stopped and no voicemail started. He says he's no better. He says he doesn't want me to come by because HE is PEEVED about the conversation yesterday. WHAT???? He's peeved?!?!?!?! I lose it, again, and ask if he is even home because I was bringing some eggs over and his car was gone. He says he is home. Okay, so where is your car. Oh, the ex has it. I have to ask 20 more questions before I get the entire story.
I ask him if I can stop by before I go to my grandma's house. I need my wine corker because grandma doesn't have a cork screw and I need to take it over there. Plus I want to drop the pictures of his daughter off. Just waits till he sees that I got extra ones for him and his ex! F-er!!!!
I don't need this. This, to me, is a deal breaker. I feel hurt and betrayed. I just cannot continue to look the other way. Maybe if we communicated more... But the text message king doesn't like to talk on the phone.
When I go over there I am going to tell Paul that I need some time to think about whether or not this relationship is going to work for me. That I don't know if I can continue this way. That I need someone whom I can communicate with on regular basis and not via text messages every fucking day - what kind of communication is that? Maybe if we talked more I'd get the whole story...and I wouldn't be left wondering what's going on.
I just feel so hurt and betrayed... Mostly hurt. And sad.
Jello and Excedrin Migraine...things that led to the Deal Breaker... Who would have thought.
So yesterday seemed to be going along pretty uneventful. I was out shopping and running errands. I was looking for frames for some pictures I was having developed for Paul (and one for his ex, too - picture, not frame) and got Paul a really nice Detroit Tigers jersey to wear to the games this summer.
So I text Paul that I have a surprise for him and ask if I can pop by for a minute. He gives me a time and I swing on by a little after 3pm. I walk in with watermelon, a balloon and the jersey... I start cutting up watermelon and then put the rest in the fridge. I notice some food from the store and ask if he'd been out. He says no that his ex brought it by. Instantaneously the short hairs on the back of my neck stand on end and every muscle in my body stiffens up. I ask if she was by with the kids and he says no. I was livid. He didn't want me coming by, but she does and with food? Ok... I try to let it go...and he offers no explanation.
So we're sitting there and I'm getting ready to leave while fiddling with all the different boxes of meds on his table. I notice a box of Excedrin Migraine (the med I've been trying to talk him into taking and he doesn't want to and didn't want me to buy for him on Friday) What comes out of my mouth - "I suppose she bought this for you, too." Whoopsie! He asks what that was supposed to mean, I say it's just a question and leave because again he just looks at me and gives no explanation.
I get to my car and lose it. I can't believe it. After all the shit we talked about regarding his ex this happens? It's like a slap in the face. I get on the phone with my sis and am ready to turn around walk in and tell him to fuck off. Livid. I was livid. I just couldn't believe it.
So eventually I calm down. I decide to go back without calling him with some food. I go over around 6:30... I knock and walk in. I put the food in the fridge and sit down. I tell him that I was hurt. I couldn't believe that she was there when he didn't want me to be there. He says what did you want me to do, call you at 2 in the morning asking you to go get some meds for me when I know the ex is out and on her way home. HUH? I tell him yes. I ask him who he is with her or me and that he should be calling his girlfriend and not his ex-wife. He says he didn't want me to see him unshowered for three days looking like crap. I told him I didn't care that he is sick and should look like crap. I also told him that I just didn't understand. I asked why no explanation earlier. He said he could tell I was mad and didn't want to have to explain every time he talks to the ex. Huh? You know I'm mad so you say nothing? WTF? He tells me that I don't trust him, that I think that he values her needs over mine, etc... (here we go with the twist-o-roonie - put it back on me..not his fault) OMG, that made me even more pissed off. I tell him I don't care that they talk, that he helps with kids, that they get along. But there is a fine line that I believe he has crossed. Okay, be friends with your ex...but who should you rely on if not your significant other in a time of need?
We went back and forth for a good hour or so... We got absolutely no where. I told him that he just didn't understand that the relationship he has with his ex isn't normal. (There have been other instances, but I've been trying to let them go and I can't let them go any longer.) I told him his actions are going against what he tells me. He couldn't understand. I told him that he didn't understand because he doesn't think it's abnormal. Who would call their ex at 2 in the morning to bring over meds? Oh...she was on her way home from her boyfriends. How did he know she was on her way home at 2am? Whatever.
If I don't trust him, it's because his actions have led me to not trust him.
This a.m. I was taking some eggs by his house and his car was gone. I had texted him 20 minutes earlier and no reply. So I call him. He answers the second time - the first time the ringing stopped and no voicemail started. He says he's no better. He says he doesn't want me to come by because HE is PEEVED about the conversation yesterday. WHAT???? He's peeved?!?!?!?! I lose it, again, and ask if he is even home because I was bringing some eggs over and his car was gone. He says he is home. Okay, so where is your car. Oh, the ex has it. I have to ask 20 more questions before I get the entire story.
I ask him if I can stop by before I go to my grandma's house. I need my wine corker because grandma doesn't have a cork screw and I need to take it over there. Plus I want to drop the pictures of his daughter off. Just waits till he sees that I got extra ones for him and his ex! F-er!!!!
I don't need this. This, to me, is a deal breaker. I feel hurt and betrayed. I just cannot continue to look the other way. Maybe if we communicated more... But the text message king doesn't like to talk on the phone.
When I go over there I am going to tell Paul that I need some time to think about whether or not this relationship is going to work for me. That I don't know if I can continue this way. That I need someone whom I can communicate with on regular basis and not via text messages every fucking day - what kind of communication is that? Maybe if we talked more I'd get the whole story...and I wouldn't be left wondering what's going on.
I just feel so hurt and betrayed... Mostly hurt. And sad.
Jello and Excedrin Migraine...things that led to the Deal Breaker... Who would have thought.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
No Rest for the Wicked
I feel so lame lately. Not much to write about. Doesn't seem like a whole lot is going on...which I suppose I shouldn't complain about! LOL!!! I guess I like the never a dull moment vs ho hummm... ;P
I have a post written all about Wednesday, but it's on my work laptop and I don't feel like taking 10 minutes to boot it up and logging into the work system... Can you say laaaa-zzzzy?
Thursday - worked all day then went home and relaxed a bit. Checked in on Paul and per his request picked up some fruit and a couple movies then headed over to his house. Watched Seven Pounds - not the feel good movie I thought it was going to be! Ugh!
Friday - slept in, ran some errands, checked in on Paul throughout the day, watched TV, made chicken alfredo in the event Paul may want some (he requested it earlier in the week and I was like HUH?!? LOL!!!), heard back from Paul that his headache was too bad, so I stayed in the rest of the night and got to bed early for a change. I could ramble on and on about how he went to Dr. on Thursday with bad migraine and Dr. did nothing... Yesterday he could barely move and was affected by sound, light, smell...duh, migraine you stupid Dr.! I swear I have lost all faith in the medical community...and that's all I'm saying about that.
Today - slept in again. Paul feeling somewhat better, headache at a minimum. Need to go pickup a cake from Costco and run a couple other errands. Would like to stop at Paul's later to check in on him (and clean up!).
I truly need to get back to the gym. After my bout of not feeling well, I just haven't gotten back into the groove of going. I think it's been at least two weeks. ARGH! Plus, I signed up to do the Race for the Cure with some coworkers which is at the end of May, so I need to get my hinney in gear. Literally! But I do need a new pair of running shoes which has been bothering me and perhaps one of the many excuses, errrr, reasons why I haven't been too keen on getting back. I do not want another round of stress fractured ankles! ;P
I have been having some really bizarre dreams about my dad. I haven't talked to my dad in years... The past week, I think he was in my dreams at least four times...three for sure that I can recall right now. Strange.
Any who...guess I should hop in the shower and high tail it outta here.
No rest for the wicked, right?!?!?!?! Bwahahahahaha! ;)
(how much you wanna bet I'll be sitting on the couch watching something I have DVR'd later?!?!?)
I have a post written all about Wednesday, but it's on my work laptop and I don't feel like taking 10 minutes to boot it up and logging into the work system... Can you say laaaa-zzzzy?
Thursday - worked all day then went home and relaxed a bit. Checked in on Paul and per his request picked up some fruit and a couple movies then headed over to his house. Watched Seven Pounds - not the feel good movie I thought it was going to be! Ugh!
Friday - slept in, ran some errands, checked in on Paul throughout the day, watched TV, made chicken alfredo in the event Paul may want some (he requested it earlier in the week and I was like HUH?!? LOL!!!), heard back from Paul that his headache was too bad, so I stayed in the rest of the night and got to bed early for a change. I could ramble on and on about how he went to Dr. on Thursday with bad migraine and Dr. did nothing... Yesterday he could barely move and was affected by sound, light, smell...duh, migraine you stupid Dr.! I swear I have lost all faith in the medical community...and that's all I'm saying about that.
Today - slept in again. Paul feeling somewhat better, headache at a minimum. Need to go pickup a cake from Costco and run a couple other errands. Would like to stop at Paul's later to check in on him (and clean up!).
I truly need to get back to the gym. After my bout of not feeling well, I just haven't gotten back into the groove of going. I think it's been at least two weeks. ARGH! Plus, I signed up to do the Race for the Cure with some coworkers which is at the end of May, so I need to get my hinney in gear. Literally! But I do need a new pair of running shoes which has been bothering me and perhaps one of the many excuses, errrr, reasons why I haven't been too keen on getting back. I do not want another round of stress fractured ankles! ;P
I have been having some really bizarre dreams about my dad. I haven't talked to my dad in years... The past week, I think he was in my dreams at least four times...three for sure that I can recall right now. Strange.
Any who...guess I should hop in the shower and high tail it outta here.
No rest for the wicked, right?!?!?!?! Bwahahahahaha! ;)
(how much you wanna bet I'll be sitting on the couch watching something I have DVR'd later?!?!?)
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Pluggin' Along
Things have been pretty status quo around here…
Last Thursday was my daughter's 17th birthday. 17. Wow…. Unreal to think that she'll be out of high school and on her own next summer. I just can't believe it. It seems like I was reading her stories and making up stories just yesterday. Princess "E" and the Queen Mommy living in a castle and picking pretty flowers in the meadow… :) She loved those stories… Oh dear, I'm tearing up and I'm at work…Oy!
Any who… So we went and dropped her prom dress for alterations, picked up stuff for her party she had on Friday and then went out to dinner for Mexican. It was a nice evening together. :)
Friday was my birthday. I worked a half day and then spent the afternoon with Paul. I got to his house and he had a "Happy Birthday" banner hanging in the living room. Awwww… :) He got me a bracelet from Brighton and an outfit from Express. Very nice! We went out to lunch and then back to his house and relaxed before each of us had to go do our "kid" thing.
Friday evening had Paul running around carting his son and friends to laser tag. It had me picking up pizza and watching DVR'd shows while my daughter had about 10 of her friends over for pizza, snacks, cake…
Saturday I called around to find the right length pants at an Express and then went and exchanged them (right size, but unfortunately Paul inadvertently bought Short vs Reg length pants). I then did a little Happy Bday to Me shopping - three pairs of really cute flip flops, a purse and some CK cropped pants. Paul wasn't feeling well Sat night, so I took him some chicken soup and gator aide… He was all cuddled up on the couch - I heated up the soup, poured some gator aide, got him all drugged up and then headed back home.
Sunday, after sleeping for 11 hours, I got up and did my grocery shopping. My sis stopped by for some Bed Bath and Beyond coupons (I horde them - gave her about 10 and still had several left!). My daughter's boyfriend came over and I took them out for lunch to Red Robin since I had coupons for free burgers, then we headed over to Paul's since I had some stuff for his kids. A Piston's hoodie for "S", his middle daughter, bday present for his son and a candy bar for his youngest daughter (can't have nothing for one kid!). Paul still not feeling well, but was taking "S" to a Piston game…and then felt extremely bad after the game.
Slept like crap Sunday night and barely made it into work. Paul still feeling really bad. Made it through day, then picked up some popsicles, Vernor's, soup and Paul's mom's mail…dropped the stuff at Paul's…then went home and sat… Got to bed early and still slept really bad…
Feeling kind of blah today, but better. I swear I have never been so sick as I have the last few months. Even my boss said something to me today. I wonder if it's sympathy sickness??? Who knows, but I don’t like it.
Overall things are pretty status quo and just plugging along… ;)
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