What more can I do?

Today turned out to be a really rotten day even though it began a on good note.

My daughter and I went shopping today. She said she wanted a new phone and we found one. Unfortunately it was more than I could afford. I gave her some options regarding how to pay for it...and she didn't say a whole lot. I suggested that she ask her grandma for the money she was going to spend on her shopping (this is from Christmas). I also suggested she ask her dad for money for her birthday vs gifts.

She got quiet. Really quiet. I could tell something was bothering her and I had a feeling it was the phone.

After a few minutes of poking and prodding, I got her to tell me what was on her mind. She was upset that her dad wouldn't be open to giving her money vs a gift. She was upset that her dad would rather spend money on a 48 pack of beer that would be drank in four days vs spending that money on a shirt or hoodie for her to wear. (This conversation was taking place as we were getting ready to take her in to by some much needed bras and underwear which would be taken back to her dad's house...yes, that's right...you got it... I pay child support and wind up buying her the bare essentials.) Tears were streaming down her face. She could only say that it just proved what little she meant to her dad.

My heart broke...because of a man who is supposed to value his child above all else yet could only think of himself....

Hatred oozed out of my pours; out of my very being. Hate is an extremely strong word, but I honestly hate that man. My daughter blames Donkey Face...and doesn't put any blame on her father.... When in reality it is her father whom is making all the decisions...and putting my daughter's needs behind those of the fucking bitch ass whore whom is living with them.

It took everything within me to keep the tears from falling from my eyes as they are now. My heart just aches for my daughter. It aches because I feel like I have failed her even though I've done everything I could only to be swatted down like a knat by the Friend of the Court. It aches because I hate that she hurts and feels second best when she so should be number one.

I just wish there was something more I could do for her other than tell her I love her and that she comes first in my life. I asked if she had those same feelings about how I treat her. She said no.

And even though she said no...I can't help but feel like a failure as a parent.

So...on my way to the gym, I needed to talk. I called Paul and left a message saying that my daughter was upset about something her father had done, that I was upset and needed to talk. I figured he was working, but I was hoping that he would at least call or text acknowledging my message.

When I got home, my daughter was still upset. I called my mother. My mother gave me a hard time and wouldn't let up. I finally told my mother the conversation was over. She still wouldn't let up... I finally said something about being done and hung up. I just wanted to cry. It's no wonder I don't count on anyone for anything and this just went to reinforce things for me.

I texted Paul that I either wanted to scream or cry and hoped his day was better.... I haven't been able to talk to him. I know he has a lot going on...and I mean alot, but I really wish I could have spoken to him.

I just feel completely overwhelmed with emotions and feel so helpless right now. I know a lot of this has to do with my daughter. I just wish there was something more I could do for her.

I just wish there was something more I could do....for both of them.