Dribble

Just sitting here in Audio Conference Meeting hell for the last two hours.  Thought I may try to do something productive and write an entry.

Not a whole lot going on that really needs reporting.  Things with Paul are going well - spent most of the weekend hanging out.  We had drinks with my sis and her boyfriend this weekend which was nice.  I haven't really met Bobbie Boy in a social setting, so it was good to see him out in public without the pressures of being around our family.  Dealing with them is a chore for me…but I'm on the inside…perhaps it's easier for someone on the outside to deal with them.  Any way…I digress!  He seems really nice, but he is completely different than my sis.  Even Paul said the same and he's only met my sis once and this was his first time meeting Bobbie Boy.  And it seems that Bobbie Boy thinks my body language clearly states that I really like Paul.  Duh!  Because I do. :)

This is going to be a busy week.  Some colleagues from Dunton are in for our prototype vehicle build, so I'm going to dinner with them tonight.  Tuesday I must go to the gym.  Wednesday I have my daughter and a work event to which I'm planning, so I have to attend.  Thursday I need to take my daughter for her prom dress alterations and then out to eat for her birthday dinner.  Friday, if Paul's schedule allows, we are going to play hokey together in the afternoon and celebrate my birthday together since the weekend is a kid weekend and we both have our kids.  Then Friday evening my daughter is having friends over my house to celebrate her birthday.  Saturday and Sunday…no plans, so I should have time to catch up on some much needed housework and laundry…and some much needed working out after a week of gluttony! ;P

Well, my meeting just ended, so I think I'm bailing out of here… Off on a .5 mile walk to my car…no joke!

Body Out of Whack

Seems even the amoxicillin isn't setting well with me. Between 1.5 and 2 hours after I take it, I get tired and out of sorts - have trouble concentrating, a bit dizzy, a bit shaky. About 4 hours after taking it, I start feeling better. Weird.

Any who...this a.m. I get up and realize that I started my period - FIVE DAYS EARLY! WTF?

So I'm thinking that it's entirely possible that I spotted Wednesday a.m. and that could be why there was blood in my urine. Hmmm... I should have known something was up because my sciatica always acts up around this time. I guess I just assumed the normal pre-period symptoms were UTI and med related.

All I know is that I have been completely overly emotional the last couple days and feel like my entire body is completely and utterly out of whack. I just want this to end.

I dreamt...

…the Wog told me he loved me…

Health Care - Ugh!

This may be TMI for some!

Tuesday a.m. I get up during the night and go to the bathroom. I get back in bed and still feel like I have to pee, but I'm too tired and fall back asleep. Alarm goes off, get up, go to bathroom notice something funny looking about my pee but am too tired to care, feed dogs, think I still have to pee, got to bathroom again...nothing, but seems kinda reddish when I wipe...okay, shower, still have to go - try again...no success...finish getting ready, still have to go, try again...nada...drive to work, feel like I'm going to pee my pants, throw all my stuff at my desk, go to bathroom...zilch, zero, zippo! WTF. By this time, I'm thinking UTI/bladder infection.

I call Dr. and make appt for 9:30. Go in, do the pee test...blood and protein in my urine. Wonderful... They give me a Rx for Bactrim and Rx for ultrasounds and blood work and more urine tests...

I pick up and take Bactrim...hour and a half later I'm dizzy, can't think and a half hour after that, my body feels like it is shaking... Not good! I call the Dr. tell them I can't take that med and they call in Cipro. I pick up Cipro after work and throw it on the counter...collapse on the chair because I feel out of it and exhausted. Guessing it was from the med. I take the Cipro before I go to bed and I'm in bed by 10 pm which is very out of the norm and early for me.

An hour and a half or so later...I'm up and think that I'm within the 12 hr eating window (gotta fast for my blood work and ultrasound) and got up to make myself a quick soy protein shake. Big mistake. I had to sit down when I got to the kitchen - about 20 ft.! I was so dizzy I thought I was going to fall over! I make my shake anyway, drink it and get back to bed for a horrible nights sleep.

This a.m. I get into work and pull out the med so I could take it. I look at the bottle and see a huge "May cause DIZZINESS" label on it...which stupid me didn't even notice last night because I was so freaking tired. I get extremely upset. I call the Dr. yesterday because the med the initially gave me made me dizzy and they give me a med which is KNOWN to cause dizziness! So, the RN tells me that I need to come into the office because something else may be wrong with me. Ummm...NO!!!! It's the med. I read the RN the riot act and tell her I am not coming in. WTF? Apparently the health care industry if fucked up completely!!!!!

I get off the phone after being told that someone would get back with me. Okay. Whatever. I research both meds they Rx'd for me. I am an avid researcher and all of the reputable sites and more stated that both meds cause dizziness. The longer I research the more pissed off I get...stupid Drs/RNs!!!!

I go for my ultrasound with my 32 oz. of water. I make a few phone calls while waiting. My Dr. calls me in between and she Rx's me amoxicillin which she said was less effective but won't cause dizziness...confirmed this with the pharmacist when I picked the med up and before I paid! Three Rx's...hope this one works!

I haven't taken any antibiotics in probably 10 yrs... This is just ridiculous.

So I got my ultrasound. Gave blood. Gave more urine. And picked up Rx #3 this evening.

I originally thought that the Wog's and my trip to the hot tubs could be the cause...but the more I think about it the more I think this has been going on for a while. Dribbling (sorry, TMI) is one of the signs of bladder/UTI...and while I was working out a couple weeks ago, I noticed something... I just thought that I had to pee really bad and the bouncing made it come out. Could be this issue has been around for a while. I can also recall something (dribbling) like that happening this summer when someone gave me a hug. I was completely embarrassed, but no one but me notice.

All I can say is that after today, I'm mentally exhausted. I just hope that nothing seriously is wrong with me. The ultrasound tech gave me the size of my kidneys and the one that she was having trouble scanning was 1.5 cm smaller than it was two years ago. This has me worried...I surely hope that I do not have kidney disease. It doesn't run in my family and after reading about it I don't know of anything that I do that would cause it...

I just hope all my tests come back normal...because at this point after the last few days and everything else I've experienced with the health care industry...I've just lost all faith.

Exhausted - A Good Thing?!

Go, go, go…that's my motto as of late.

Friday…what DID I do Friday?  Oh yes, I remember…(it actually took me a minute or two to remember)  I met Paul at the new house and proceeded to rip out a ceiling and all the two by fours that was beneath the ceiling while Paul worked in the basement on plumbing or something.  We worked for a good couple hours nonstop then went back to Paul's place, showered and had some pizza.

Saturday we got up.  I stopped at home to feed the dogs and let them out.  Then I ran to Costco - never go when you are hungry! - spent way too much and didn't even get half of the stuff I needed, finished some shopping at Walmart, dropped the stuff I bought at home, went tanning and then met Paul at the house for more work!  I finished ripping out the ceiling and then started washing the walls.  It was soooo disgusting.  I think I said the word disgusting at least two hundred times and I'm not exaggerating!  I don't know how people could live like that.  I sprayed the wall and the gunk just oozed down the wall…it was disgusting!  Needless to say I washed walls for four hours straight…tired!  I did the kitchen walls, hallway walls and ceiling (barf!), upstairs walls and the walls of one bedroom.  Living room walls and ceiling, bedroom walls and ceiling and ceilings in the kitchen and bedroom I did the walls on still need to be cleaned.  Paul was working in the basement - ripping out walls, drop ceiling, finishing plumbing and working on some electrical.  Paul did come up to check on me when I got quiet…he wanted to make sure I wasn't passed out from all the fumes!  After that we went to our own homes and collapsed for a couple hours.  I met back up with Paul and we went out to dinner at Palio and then to the Oasis Hot Tubs!  It was relaxing…and that's all the details I'm giving out!  Hee, hee, hee… >:)  I was actually surprised how much I enjoyed myself.  I was a little hesitant and wasn't too sure about cleanliness, etc…but it was fantastic.  I would definitely go back.  We got back to Paul's and slept like rocks.

Sunday we got up and went out to breakfast.  Paul had to work and I needed to do some stuff around my house.  I got home, fed dogs, sat down and looked around and thought…Ick!  I then proceeded to start cleaning my house.  I was complaining the day before about how disgusting the new house was…and thought my house looked pretty bad.  Everything is tidy, but it sure didn't appear to be clean - dust and dog hair everywhere!  I washed the bathroom and kitchen floors, the trim and window sills in the living room, hallway, kitchen, my bedroom and basement stairway and the walls in my room, kitchen, hallway and part of the living room - dogs!  I felt pretty good about things when I got done.  Plus, I did two loads of laundry and talked to my sis for a good hour (while cleaning) because she is having communication issues with her boyfriend (sound familiar?!).  I also ran a couple errands and went tanning.  When I got home I ran almost three miles outside.  2.85 according to mapmyrun.com ;)  That was my first run on pavement since I fractured both my ankles.  It felt really good to run.  And I felt much better and was able to free my mind of any negative thoughts.  Just having my feet hit the pavement…awesome.  I will say that it is much harder on my body when I run on pavement vs running on the treadmill/track.  Well, at least when I don't have a date with the track!  LOL!!!  By this time it's 4:30ish and I collapse on the chair.  I make plans to have dinner with Paul.  He was still working and wanted to go see the kids, so I cooked and then met him at his place with dinner and some wine.  A very nice ending to the weekend. :)

This morning it was soooo hard to get out of bed.  Now, as I'm sitting here in an audio meeting, all I can think about is that my entire body aches; well, at least my back, my arms and my legs.  I think it's from all the manual labor I did over the weekend.  Makes me wonder why the heck I work out 3-5 times a week.  If I'm so sore from a few hours work, what's the point?!  LOL!  Or maybe it's from not stretching all that great yesterday.  Or maybe a combo of the two - manual labor and running outside? 

In general, I'm just exhausted.  It was a really great weekend, so I guess being exhausted is a good thing!  Now if I just had a couple days off to recoup…  ::sigh::

Boy, I just read this and I think I'm even more exhausted!  LOL!!!

It's all Relative

So Monday Paul and I talked at the game.  We both agreed we were trying to find a middle ground with respect to communication…and I hate to admit it, but I have been having a very difficult time backing off of my normal mode of communication.

I like to talk and communicate throughout the day with my significant other.  I mean, at a bare minimum, I think I would like to talk at some point in the evening - talk about the day, what's going on tomorrow, anything good happen, anything bad, blah, blah, blah…  It doesn't have to be some mind blowing discussion, it could be just chit chatting about this and that.  It just seems natural to me to want to share may day and share the day's events with the special someone in my life.

Plus, I guess it's just what I am used to with my relationships.  With McD, he stayed with me every other week and the days he didn't stay with me, we talked on the phone every night at 9 or 9:30.  With Drew, we emailed throughout the day and either saw each other or talked at some point in the evening…although with Drew it not only became a touch base call, it also became a I don't trust you so I have to keep tabs on you call.

The past few days, not talking to/texting Paul on a regular basis is a bit unnerving for me.  I realize that we've only been dating for a little over two months, but it just seems unnatural to me not to share my day and hear about his.  Okay, so I saw him Monday.  Tuesday we exchanged two text messages.  Yesterday (Wednesday) I actually talked to him after work…because I know I won't be talking to him today (Thursday).  But who's keeping track of things???  Looks like Gigi is!  LOL!!!

I would hate to think that my wanting to communicate so much with Paul is an after effect of the Drew saga…but perhaps it is.  I mean, I trust Paul completely… 

Or maybe I look at taking a few minutes time to talk as a way of saying that I'm important and that I matter to him….and by us not talking so much I'm looking at it as the opposite message?  Which I know is not the case because he's told me so on more than one occasion.

And maybe I am just going through an adjustment period.  I mean, I used to talk to my daughter everyday…  I used to call her everyday - although I never actually did talk to her on a regular basis, I would leave a message.  This was when she was much younger and didn't have a cell phone.  And that was unnerving as well.  It took a long while to get used to not talking to her all the time.  Maybe I'm just going through something similar with Paul - adjusting from my what used to be normal mode of operation to that of a new normal. 

I suppose what is normal for one, isn't normal for all. 

 

It is, after all, all relative now, isn't it?

 

~*~*~*~

 

I wrote the above while sitting in my 2 hour audio meeting snooze fest yesterday.

 

Yesterday, I limited my texting and didn't call Paul.  It wasn't as nerve-wracking for me to lay low yesterday, so maybe I just needed some time to adjust and think things through.  I did text him before his hockey game yesterday evening wishing him luck.  Good thing because he was snoozing away and the beeping woke him up...I know this because HE actually called ME while on the way to his game.  He also texted me last night after the game saying he was thinking about me and looking forward to the weekend.  Awww...  Maybe backing off is a good thing! ;)

 

Like I said...it's all relative... :)

Understanding

Last night I went to the Pistons game with Paul and his daughters. Both daughter were sick, stuffy noses and sore throats, and Paul was tired. I tried to be upbeat and peppy, but no one was biting…very tough crowd! Paul's ex and her boyfriend (the one who was supposed to get the boot) were also at the game. The youngest wanted to see her mom, so the girls went and sat with them for a little over a period. The girls going with their mom gave Paul and I a chance to talk. I mentioned that to him that he seemed withdrawn and was able to confirm that Paul was indeed overwhelmed and withdrew…because that's what he does. He also said that he is not used to communicating with someone on a regular basis and acknowledged that he remembered me saying that I liked at least talking on a daily basis. He actually told me that with one of his previous girlfriends he got into a situation similar to this and just stopped talking/responding to her for five days… I responded that he must not have cared that much about her and he nodded in agreement. He then said that it's in the back of his mind how I like to communicate, that he could see a future with us and that he thought we were compatible. I told him that I just want to help him when I can and, like a guy, wants to be able to fix things for him. He laughed and we talked a bit about that. I told him that I can be a bit overbearing (he laughed again) and was aware of his situation and was trying to back off. I also told him that he needs to tell me when he needs his space. He said he thought would be rude. I responded that I would rather have him tell me that he was overwhelmed with things and needed space then not say anything at all because by not saying anything at all my mind would start whirling around and "GIGI". Yes, I actually said Gigi while flailing my arms around and we both laughed. He agreed and we came up with a code word that he could say or text when he was feeling like he needed some time to process things or needed me to back off. It was a good talk. I felt much better about things after we talked…and I think he did, too. Seems we are both just trying to finding a middle ground - in fact, we both said that at some point during the conversation. I'm smiling inside just typing this. On the way home from the game, I could tell he was withdrawing again and mentioned it. He gave me a cute little smirk and said that he had a feeling the morning wasn't going to go well. The three of them were still not feeling well and it was late…so getting up for school was not going to be fun. When we got to his place he gave me a big hug and thanked me for being so understanding. Awww… :) I really like this guy! :)

Frustrated Holding Pattern

I am woMAN…and I'm frustrated.

Paul seems to have taken refuge in his cave. He's really overwhelmed right now. He has been having some health issues (aches/pains), his kids have been sick, he's busy carting them around on the weekend, he has work he needs to travel for, he's having vehicle problems, he has the new house he needs to bring up to code and do a ton of work on…the list just seems to go on…

I want to help him. I want to help him fix things. I want to be there for him. Okay, maybe I want to fix things for him and alleviate some of his burden and it's frustrating for me because he won't let me. Ugh, just like a man…I want to step in and fix everything and anything that is wrong.

I need to back off. I need to give him his space. I've told him I'm here if he needs me. I've told him that he can lean on me. All I can do is wait for him to reach out.

It's hell sitting on the sidelines waiting. I feel like I'm not doing enough and should be doing something. I see him struggling and I want to do something…anything.

It's a helpless feeling not being able to do anything to help alleviate the situation.

It's bad enough that I feel like I cannot do anything for my daughter. Adding this on top of it…I just feel awful. No one is making me feel this way other than myself. The rational part of me knows I've already done everything I can. The irrational part of me feels like I'm not doing enough, that I'm being overbearing, that the more I offer to help, the more Paul backs into his cave…which makes me feel like I'm just adding more stress to his already stressful situation. Maybe it's just me and my warped Gigi way of looking at things.

I think it also has to do with communication or lack thereof… I like to talk about things and Paul appears to internalize things - hence my reference to him taking refuge in his cave. I do talk about everything going on, how overwhelmed I am and then not ask for help…but Paul doesn't even appear to like to talk about things. He seems to shut down. And when he shuts down, to me it feels like he is pulling away…which might be what he is doing. Maybe that is his way of dealing with things. Maybe he hasn't had anyone he could lean on before…given the way his ex handles her schedule and issues, it's probably the case. I tend to like to handle things on my own as well… I don't like to ask for help and will only do so if I'm in dire, dire need of it. Perhaps he is the same way…

I do realize that Paul and I are still getting to know each other. That everything we're encountering is new and we need to figure out how the other works/thinks/etc...

I dunno…

GIGI!!!!

Now I am starting to analyze and over-analyze…

Gigi, stop it! Stop thinking. Stop the madness!!!!

Gigi, now listen to me… If Paul needs your help, he will ask for it. Just sit back and relax. Paul likes you and knows you like him. Chill out, Gigi. Just chill out…and remember to breathe!!!!

Okay, I'm better. Sometimes I just need to write things out and in doing so it helps me get things straightened out in my mind. And it also makes me realize - Gigi needs to go bye-bye. LOL!!!

Bottom line is that I care for Paul and want to be there for him…which I am. I'm doing everything I can…and until he asks for help, I guess I'm just in a holding pattern (ARGH! LOL!!!).

What more can I do?

Today turned out to be a really rotten day even though it began a on good note.

My daughter and I went shopping today. She said she wanted a new phone and we found one. Unfortunately it was more than I could afford. I gave her some options regarding how to pay for it...and she didn't say a whole lot. I suggested that she ask her grandma for the money she was going to spend on her shopping (this is from Christmas). I also suggested she ask her dad for money for her birthday vs gifts.

She got quiet. Really quiet. I could tell something was bothering her and I had a feeling it was the phone.

After a few minutes of poking and prodding, I got her to tell me what was on her mind. She was upset that her dad wouldn't be open to giving her money vs a gift. She was upset that her dad would rather spend money on a 48 pack of beer that would be drank in four days vs spending that money on a shirt or hoodie for her to wear. (This conversation was taking place as we were getting ready to take her in to by some much needed bras and underwear which would be taken back to her dad's house...yes, that's right...you got it... I pay child support and wind up buying her the bare essentials.) Tears were streaming down her face. She could only say that it just proved what little she meant to her dad.

My heart broke...because of a man who is supposed to value his child above all else yet could only think of himself....

Hatred oozed out of my pours; out of my very being. Hate is an extremely strong word, but I honestly hate that man. My daughter blames Donkey Face...and doesn't put any blame on her father.... When in reality it is her father whom is making all the decisions...and putting my daughter's needs behind those of the fucking bitch ass whore whom is living with them.

It took everything within me to keep the tears from falling from my eyes as they are now. My heart just aches for my daughter. It aches because I feel like I have failed her even though I've done everything I could only to be swatted down like a knat by the Friend of the Court. It aches because I hate that she hurts and feels second best when she so should be number one.

I just wish there was something more I could do for her other than tell her I love her and that she comes first in my life. I asked if she had those same feelings about how I treat her. She said no.

And even though she said no...I can't help but feel like a failure as a parent.

So...on my way to the gym, I needed to talk. I called Paul and left a message saying that my daughter was upset about something her father had done, that I was upset and needed to talk. I figured he was working, but I was hoping that he would at least call or text acknowledging my message.

When I got home, my daughter was still upset. I called my mother. My mother gave me a hard time and wouldn't let up. I finally told my mother the conversation was over. She still wouldn't let up... I finally said something about being done and hung up. I just wanted to cry. It's no wonder I don't count on anyone for anything and this just went to reinforce things for me.

I texted Paul that I either wanted to scream or cry and hoped his day was better.... I haven't been able to talk to him. I know he has a lot going on...and I mean alot, but I really wish I could have spoken to him.

I just feel completely overwhelmed with emotions and feel so helpless right now. I know a lot of this has to do with my daughter. I just wish there was something more I could do for her.

I just wish there was something more I could do....for both of them.

I Have What I Need

So the weekend has come and gone…

Friday I talked with Paul and all went well…  At some point during the conversation he said that he could see a future with me which made me smile.  After that I gave Paul a card I bought since it was two months since we started dating…you know, one of those mushy ones which basically said that I had given up on love, but then I met him…and am looking forward to a happily ever after.  Awww…

Saturday was good - we spent most of the day together.  In the a.m. we went to his daughter's basketball game, they lost by 1 point. :(  Paul got into a spat with his daughter and was a distraught about it as she left the game crying.  While we were out running errands, we stopped by his ex's house so he could resolve things with his daughter.  So glad we did because it was like a huge weight lifted off of his shoulders.  We went over to the house to check things out and get a handle on what will be worked on first.  After that we cleaned ourselves up and went to a comedy club then out for a quick bite…  Once home, we had a nice evening in! :)  Although it seems that Paul has an allergy to one of the hair products I use.  Years to find products that work with my hair…now I have to start over.  Any who he was up for an hour or so with a stuffy nose and had to take some drugs to help him get passed it.  Oy!  LOL!!!  Guess I'll be starting a new search and going with super straight hair for a while.

Sunday morning we got up, Paul made pancakes and sausage.  We talked for a bit and I went home around noon.  He had to work and then the kids were dropped at 5ish.  I ran errands, picked up poop (snow finally gone from backyard - OMG, what a mess it was!), folded six loads of laundry, went to the gym and relaxed for the evening.  I almost forgot…I bought myself a tanning package yesterday, too.  I haven't done anything for myself in a long time, so I figured…why not?!  Plus, it was buy one, get one free - two months for the price of one! :)  Anyway, I had no clue how long to go for, the girl suggested 8 minutes…I said okay.  I got in there and promptly fell asleep.  I am a little red right now…Owie!!!  No tanning for a couple days and less minutes the next time I go!  Doh!  LOL!!

While I was sitting watching TV last night I was pondering whether or not it was really the situation with his ex.  I'm okay with things with her and what's going on there, I'm not sure that was really the root issue of what was bothering me.  I think more than anything the issue is time.  I value and want to spend time with him…and right now, that's just not going to happen to the extent I want it too.  He's busy with work, kids, new house…  My life is relatively uncomplicated and seems I have too much free time on my hands.  I just need to adjust my expectations and put my pea brain in check with reality…Gigi is not allowed to come out and play anymore!

All is good, I just need to chill. 

In the words of The Rolling Stones…I can't always get what I want…especially when I want it…  But if I keep on trying, I'll get what I need! ;)  Hell, who am I kidding?  I have what I need!  I think I'm falling in love this man and it seems like he is falling for me…  Yippee! :) :) :)