This Way and That!

It seems I've been a bit testy lately. I think it has something to do with my sis telling me that she saw Drew with his "IM Me" on when she was helping her friend set up a profile on Match last week. We talked about it and I told him that it bothered me.

And even though we talked, sort of..., since then I've been pretty...well, not so good. I've been questioning everything over and over in my mind...and second guessing everything. And Drew made a comment tonight that I've been ... I forget what word he used. Not argumentative, but something like that.

After thinking about it, I'm sure this is (the whole match thing) what is at the root of me acting like I have been.

Drew has said that he has trust issues. Well, apparently, so do I!

Plus, after talking with my sis last night, she seems that I am about 10 steps ahead of him relationship-wise.

I could really love this man. I really could...

Looks like I'll have to tell him that I've been thinking about it and come to the conclusion that the match thing is bothering me more than I thought. And I will bring it up. I've been doing much better about that sort of thing....maybe that's why he thinks I am being testy? (again, he didn't use that word, I just can't recall what he said right now)

We'll see...

And for the readers....I hate to even ask this, but who from Milwaukee reads my blog? Just curious because Drew has a friend in Milwaukee and well, of course, now I am thinking all sorts of things... Bah!

As of late, my mind seems to be going in every direction...this way and that! ;P

McCotter Fights for Automotive Industry and Workers

Well worth watching!

I know.

So last week I met with my shrink and talked about the situation with my daughter's dad and his stance on not wanting to put her on birth control even though she is thinking about having sex...

Apparently in Michigan, girls 16 and older do not need parental consent to attain birth control.

My daughter will be getting a $20 bonus when I see her. Just so happens that a doctor's office visit co-pay is $20. Guess if she wants to she can make an appt. to get the three month birth control shot.

I never have to know. I never have to consent. I do not have to be the slutty mother who is encouraging my daughter to have sex because I want to protect her. (this is what Jaba thinks of me!)

Hee, hee, hee...

I never have to know...but I do!

Where to Stand

Last night I had the strangest dream...

I dreamt about McD. I dreamt that he was cheating on me. I dreamt I snuck into his house to verify my suspicions. I had a key and let myself in. I saw him and his kids with the other woman living the life that I was supposed to be living. I didn't want to get caught so I moved to the garage. It was morning and they were all leaving for work/school... I didn't want to get caught, so I nonchalantly came out of hiding and started talking to him. Before any real exchange occurred I woke up.

Very unsettling. Very unnerving. I had a very difficult time sleeping after that.

I didn't sleep well afterwards because I didn't think the dream was about McD. I thought/think it was more representative of my deepest fear about Drew. That someday someone else will be living the life I want to live with him...

Sometimes when we look forward to the future, we welcome it. Sometimes we fear the future and dread the coming of the morning.

I don't want to continue living in today, I do want tomorrow to come. I only wish I were more sure of what the future will hold for me. Such an impossibility.

Even when we welcome the future with open arms and have such high hopes and are certain things will work out for the best...that doesn't always happen. It's just a part of life. Sometimes our hopes and dreams are crushed. And there are times when we anticipate the absolute worst and are pleasantly surprised with the best. Again, just a part of life. Part of the bigger picture I suppose.

I guess when our view of the future lies somewhere between abysmal despair and glorious celebration...we have hope for the future. Hope that things will will work out and that we will venture forward without many battle wounds.

There is a part of me that says who cares how things work out; that being with Drew isn't the end all be all and that I should just live each day as it comes and not worry about things. But I don't know...

I guess I'm just not sure where I stand regarding my outlook the future (with Drew) right now. (sort of the opposite of what I said the other night about having hope, huh?!)

4 Laps

After a rough day at the office, I had to go to the gym...and it had to be a quick workout.

I jumped rope for about 16 minutes then jogged around the track...4 laps. It was only about .25 mile, but it was something...more than I've done in over two and a half months!!!

4 small slow laps for some...a ginormous leap for healing and towards my goal of running a marathon in 2009! :)

Hope

I've been sitting here looking at a blank screen for about 10 minutes. Just sitting...and thinking.

I should be in bed, but I'm not. I shouldn't have a glass of wine since it's so late...but what the hell...

This dance Drew and I are doing is...well...emotionally exhausting and completely confusing.

I could go on about the things that I think are positive and wonderful...and how much I enjoy being with him... But I won't.

I really and truly like this man. But sometimes the things he says to me are like a punch to the gut and knock the wind right out of me.

We were watching a movie this evening and the guy was all about him and his friend was telling him that he never truly opened up to his girlfriend and it was no wonder that she left him. Drew made some comment that he was like the guy and I should/shouldn't...shit, I can't recall exactly what he said. Basically, it sounded like he was saying that there was no hope for him to open up to me. I know he has trust issues, but I thought that we were doing good. And we always joke around with each other...and I mean a lot. He was hugging me and giving me little kisses which isn't the norm for him. So I don't know if he was being serious or joking around. Sometimes it is hard to tell and I've been wrong about him being serious when he was actually joking several times in the past.

We've already made plans to spend most of this upcoming weekend together... Friday night at his house, Saturday he asked me to come over to watch Michigan State game, then out to dinner and Sunday a.m. go to the gym together...

We made plans to go out next Wednesday evening.

We've made plans for his birthday in December.

Making plans is not something that we've done before.

We've been doing whatever it is we are doing for just over six months now...

I'm just so confused by his get close, pull away behavior.

I know I deserve someone who is 100% into things, just like I am.

A big part of me keeps hoping that Drew will be that someone...

There are times that he lets down his wall, his eyes shine bright and I can see that he is completely there...

Call me stupid, but I do have that hope that someday he will be there 100% all the time...

Run, Jump, Bike, Swim???

Okay, so the physical rehab was driving me nuts at first, but I'm happy to say that I'm doing much better now.

This weekend I started jumping rope and using the elliptical machine. I'm jumping for 15 minutes and going 2 - 2.5 miles on the elliptical. Not bad for only being back at it for two weeks. :) Plus, I'm back to my regular lift routine with some minor modifications. And if I feel any pain, which I haven't in days, I stop immediately.

I'm so glad that I'm not walking anymore...it was driving me insane. I like to go, go, go! Jumping rope is the best - such a great workout!

I'm very happy and thankful that I'm back on the road to recovery! :)

Should I mention that Drew keeps dropping hints that I should consider training for triathlon events? And that I am actually considering it??? I am not a swimmer, but given there are triathlon sprint events, I could probably swing it... Maybe once I'm running again I'll think about it more. I would have to learn how to swim from scratch...buy a suit, goggles, learn to breath in the water... Plus, I'd need a bike...my bike is trash...

Guess that's one of the reasons I've switched up my weight training...to build up my upper body a bit more.

Who knows, I could run a marathon and do some type of triathlon in the upcoming year.

A girl has to have goals, right?

Lost Cat

It was a sad, sad night...


I got a knock on my door while Drew and I were watching the Wings... It was a woman telling me that she thought that Zeus and Zoey had a cat in my back yard.


I run out back and sure enough...they are circling something furry on the ground. The animal on the ground appeared to be limp and lifeless. My heart skipped a beat and I screamed to the dogs to get away. It was difficult to see what the animal actually was because it was so dark. I was praying it was a rabbit...

Unfortunately, I was wrong. When I got to the animal, I saw that it really was a cat. It lay there bloodied and lifeless...


The ladies are looking over the fence asking if it is alive. I tell them that it does not appear to be.


Drew comes out and I ask him to go back in to get some plastic bags. I did not want to leave the cat. I did not want the dogs to get at it again and they were circling me and the cat like sharks circling bait. It seemed like hours before he came back out...


Drew finally comes back out and I manage to get the cat in a bag. I bring the cat in the house... It is not moving...nor is it breathing.


I dread the point in time I see a poster on the telephone poll at the corner of my block reading... Lost Cat. :(

Ostrich

I am an ostrich.

I stick my head in the sand when I do not want to deal with something that is potentially negative or difficult to deal with.

I do not like to deal with conflict or negative emotions... Never have...

Long story short, I have not talked with Drew. I know I should. I kick myself for not bringing it up.

Drew emailed me from his match account and I emailed him back today, so the door is not completely closed on the subject. But if I wait too much longer it will be.

I spent years and years watching my family dance around negativity as if it wasn't there... Just ignoring it. Hoping it would go away. Learn by example? Possibly. But at least I know what my problem is. I just need to find ways to correct my behavior and implement them. Key there is the implementation. I seem to be getting stuck on that part.

I also think the part of me that loves Drew doesn't want to know.

And I haven't written about this because I feel like I let myself down...you know, the small part inside that actually does want to know.

I waver back and forth on wanting to know and not wanting to know. ::sigh:: It's quite the argument in my head. You should hear it...it's not pretty! ;P

So right now...my head is in the sand waiting for the bell to sound that all is clear...

...like an ostrich.

Match...

For those interested, I'll update later tonight, promise!

Here we goooo!

Wish me luck...tonight I'll be talking with him about it.

Ack!