After church today I was planning on doing some homework for a ministry class I'm taking online. Needless to say, I'm about a week behind. Instead, I went running. Another avoidance technique... I was able to justify it because I've only ran one other day this week and I made a commitment to myself to start getting back into cardiovascular shape.
Ahhhhh...just me, the pavement, some music...and with the cooler weather...all I can say is...perfection!
Of course a few songs into my run, it hit me. I figured out what it was. I was a afraid to succeed!
Yup, fear of success. If I actually succeeded at this ministry thing...then what? I dunno?!?! Ack!!! I mean, how could I not have a plan? I know this is what I want to do. But it scares the crap out of me. It's completely uncharted territory for me.
I suppose this is what giving it all over to God is about. Leaving it in His hands. Letting His plans unfold. In His time. In His way.
AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! This is not how I am used to operating and it's so foreign to me.
I hate to admit it, but the no control/no plan thing has seemed to work out pretty good lately. Giving up control is actually a bit freeing. But at the same time insanely difficult for me. I see now that I have been fighting it.
Wanting to control everything around me...
But I can't do that. I have to stop trying to control every single thing. If I don't, I won't be able to deny myself. And if I can't deny myself, then I'm not really following Jesus.
As scary as this is for me, I have to do it. I have to surrender. Surrender and trust in the fact that His way is the only way.
Next exit...God's way~
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Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
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