I was Naked and I didn't Care

Strange title, I know.  But it seemed fitting and inspiring when it popped into my head.

And I must say it was a strange dream I had last night.  Thousands of little sharks, I'm talking thousands all piled up on top of each other, were coming up on shore and I was chopping their heads off with a gas powered saw.  I wasn't petrified, only slightly scared.  And not even scared...just annoyed that I might get bitten.  Later in the same dream, I was walking on shore, going passed the survivors...I was naked...but I didn't care.  I used one hand to cover my, well you know, while the other hand was wildly gesturing as I spoke to everyone.  Then even later, all of the different groups of survivors started coming by.  At first I wanted to hide because I wasn't sure what they were planning; I mean they could be coming after us or something.  But then I saw they were singing, they were joyful and they were all heading in the same direction...  

At that point I got a text which woke me up.

Any who...

I read this really great devotion this morning.  I watched a similar message from a sermon my friend sent me yesterday.

God is at work around us all of the time.  Yes, all of the time.  Even in the not so good times God is working.  While he is working, he is asking us to work with him.  He pursues us, he invites us, he speaks to us and then he works through us.  All the time.  This is happening all of the time all around us.  God is right here with us all of the time.

In the midst of our mess, our pain, our suffering, our sorrow, our troubles, etc, God asks us to do God Sized Things.  It's when we obey that we we show the level of our faith and love for our Lord.  It's when we obey that those God Sized Things happen.  

And it's the next (thing) that is connected to our now.  What we are supposed to be doing next is connected to what is going on with us now.

I'm in the middle of a mess right now.  I'm into the second week of daily migraines.  And, no, that wouldn't be a migraine a day.  That would be more than one migraine at different times throughout the day on a daily basis.  Yup.  Every day.  For over a week.

So, what  do you think I've been doing?  I've been trying to figure out why.  Why me.  Why suffering.  What does the suffering represent.  

Wrong!  Wrong!  Wrong!

I need to be on the lookout for the God Sized Thing I'm supposed to be involved in!  Oh yay, on the lookout!

Hmmm...the lookout.  On the lookout.  Being on the lookout.

So I thought about it.  What is being on the lookout?  What does being on the lookout entail?  

Here are the are the things that pop in my mind when I think about being on the lookout - Vulnerability, complete honesty, transparency, naked truth...

I was naked and didn't care...  

How Dare You

How dare you?  How dare you come back into my life with such a vengeance?  

The last time you came into my life like this it just about killed me.  You infiltrated every area of my life and left me helpless.  I lost time…so much time.  I missed events.  I missed work.  I don’t remember days of my life because of you.  

What’s worse is that no one but me can see you!  You are invisible to everyone but me!  

On the outside I look okay.  Like nothing is wrong.  But inside…inside you have me screaming for relief!  Screaming for you to go!  Screaming to stop the torment!

You come and go when you please.  But mostly you stay and make yourself at home.  

I’m begging, yes, begging you to go and never come back.  Not even for a short visit.  No calling or texting either.  I am cutting you off from all contact with me.

But I know you won’t listen.  You’ll still come and go as you please.  Like the thief that you are, you’ll rob me of more of my life.

You are relentless.  You’ve captured my head in an ice pick vice and keep turning it tighter with every second that passes.  You’ve amplified my senses of sound and smell to the Nth degree.  My fingers are tingling and at times my body shakes.  Tears stream down my face.  My stomach turns and reals but not in disgust of you but rather because of the pain and sheer exhaustion.  My hands tremble, and not out of fear, but from some internal reaction I have no control over.  My eyes are like hot coals ready to burst into flame and light becomes unbearable.  Putting words together is difficult and my concentration is fuzzy, it’s any wonder that I can actually type this at all.  Fighting you off is exhausting.  Everything, yes, absolutely everything becomes a chore when you are around.

I am praying that I am your only victim.  That you do not try to slink into my daughter’s or glamson’s lives.  I know you are extremely devious and will attack when my guard is down, but I will turn on you and hold you if you even try to go after them.  I would gladly keep you with me if it will keep you away from them.

I ask again, how dare you?  How dare you!

It's not hot in here!

What the heck is up with the hot flashes?  Like out of no where?  And not just during the day, but at night!  Oh boy at night!  And those lovely, little hot flashes at night are more commonly referred to as night sweats.

I’m not sure about you, but one of my all time favorite things is waking up in the middle of the night sopping wet in sweaty pjs.  It may not be so bad it if was only sweaty armpits.  But I’m talking about entire body sweat.  Arms, legs, chest, back, neck… :::shudder:::  …everything but the armpits!

And by the time I wake up, it’s not hot sweat.  It’s cold, clammy, nasty sweat.  To top it off, not only are my pjs drenched…but so is my pillow, my bed and my sheets.  It’s like looking at one of those crime scene body outlines.  Dis.gus.ting.

I have to get up, change into something dry and then search for a dry spot when I climb back in bed…because I’m not changing the sheets in the middle of the night.  

It would be one thing if there was a dance party in my bed.  But it’s not getting hot in there.  No disco ball.  No Nelly.  It’s just me.  Sleeping.  Alone.

Can’t a girl catch a break?  And not break a sweat?

Light and Dark

Every night it is always the same.  

Always there.  

Always half and half.

There are times this shadow haunts me….and there are times I think nothing of it.

Tonight…it haunts.

I look at it and wonder if the darkness will overtake the light.  

Will the shadow continue to creep over and consume the entire cross (everything true and good)?

Does it represent the constant battle between light and dark (good and evil)?

Will that same darkness overcome me?  

Will I be consumed with the earthly desires of my past?

And why do I not look at it and see the light trying to overcome the darkness?

Why don’t I envision the light defeating all that is dark and untrue?

Perhaps it’s because I am human.  

Or maybe it's because I sin.  

Or is it because I must intentionally choose to be good when everything around me tells me that it’s okay to be bad.  That I must intentionally make that choice hundreds of times a day.

I'm really not sure.

Most likely it means nothing at all.

Perhaps it just the placement of a cross on a wall.

The placement of a light in a room.

Perhaps it's just a matter of light and dark.

Surprisingly Good

It seems like we are disappointed by something or someone almost daily.  This morning I was surprised by the selfless act of two people I don’t even know.

I received a call this morning from the admin of one of our Vice Presidents.  When she said that Rob..... was on the line, I had no clue who she was talking about.  All I heard was from the office of xxxxx and froze.  I was actually a little freaked because this particular VP could be, well, um...let's just say scary mean.

The next thing I hear is something about not putting a check in my pocket.  That the janitorial staff had turned in a check found in the women's room.  That they had written the location and the specific stall number on the note.

Then I hear my friend’s voice…"You shouldn’t have put the check in your pocket!"

Doh!  It was the check I had in my pocket the day before.  The check I had signed and intended to mobile deposit.

It was the check that was made out to CASH in the amount of $70.  

Anyone could have taken and cashed the check.  Someone could have been $70 to the good, but what did they do?  Turned it in instead!   

I couldn’t believe it!!! This VP’s admin called the bank to get my friends number.  She then called my friend to find out who I was and then brought me into the call.  She went to some pretty extraordinary lengths to find me. 

My signature on the back of the check was just a squiggly S and G. 

So, in a plant where this type behavior is not acknowledged or encouraged, two people, unknown to me, went above and beyond to do THE RIGHT THING.  

There is good in this world.  And God definitely has my back!

Take a look at this....the note and the check...

Thank you God!!!!  And thank you Liz and Brian!!!  I actually gave Liz a gift and complimented her on her christian behavior today.  Now to find Brian! ;)

Next Exit

I've been having a really difficult time staying focused the last couple weeks.  First, I blamed it on having too much to do.  Then I blamed it on the devil trying to divert me from God's work.  Finally, I just shut down.  Because if I ignore it, it will all go away.  Right?  Wrong.

After church today I was planning on doing some homework for a ministry class I'm taking online.  Needless to say, I'm about a week behind.  Instead, I went running.  Another avoidance technique...  I was able to justify it because I've only ran one other day this week and I made a commitment to myself to start getting back into cardiovascular shape.

Ahhhhh...just me, the pavement, some music...and with the cooler weather...all I can say is...perfection!

Of course a few songs into my run, it hit me.  I figured out what it was.  I was a afraid to succeed!

Yup, fear of success.  If I actually succeeded at this ministry thing...then what?  I dunno?!?!  Ack!!!  I mean, how could I not have a plan?  I know this is what I want to do.  But it scares the crap out of me.  It's completely uncharted territory for me.

I suppose this is what giving it all over to God is about.  Leaving it in His hands.  Letting His plans unfold.  In His time.  In His way.

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  This is not how I am used to operating and it's so foreign to me.  

I hate to admit it, but the no control/no plan thing has seemed to work out pretty good lately.  Giving up control is actually a bit freeing.  But at the same time insanely difficult for me.  I see now that I have been fighting it.  

Wanting to control everything around me...

But I can't do that.  I have to stop trying to control every single thing.  If I don't, I won't be able to deny myself.  And if I can't deny myself, then I'm not really following Jesus.  

As scary as this is for me, I have to do it.  I have to surrender.  Surrender and trust in the fact that His way is the only way.

Next exit...God's way~

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

    and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him,

    and he will make your paths straight.

A Special Hatred

Captivating - Chapter 5 - A Special Hatred begins by talking about an assault on our hearts which leaves us with a feeling like everything is our fault.  It’s that…I’m too much or not enough way of thinking.

Why is it we don’t believe good things about us?  Why can’t we believe we have some positive attributes?  Why is it we can’t take a compliment without some how downplaying it?

Well, ever since the fall of Eve we have been under attack.

To help figure out why, let’s take a look at Genesis 3:14-16 which contains part of the sentencing in response to the first sin.

We’ll start with verse 14:
14 So the Lord God said to the serpent, “Because you have done this,
“Cursed are you above all livestock
    and all wild animals!
You will crawl on your belly
    and you will eat dust
    all the days of your life.

God told Lucifer – he was cursed!  Not only cursed but was deemed lower than the animals! Cursed to crawl on his knees or walk hunched over, but to crawl on his belly!  His belly!  And eating dust?  How disgusting is that?  Not even the lowest of low would eat dirt!  So there was Lucifer, the epitome of perfect beauty…living in the most glorious way…banished to a horrific eternity.  His pride was his downfall and it cost him everything.

God continues to sentence Lucifer in verse 15:
15 And I will put enmity
    between you and the woman,
    and between your offspring[a] and hers;
he will crush[b] your head,
    and you will strike his heel.”

en•mi•ty is defined as:  the state or feeling of being actively opposed or hostile to someone or something.
Synonyms:  hostility, animosity, antagonism, friction, antipathy, animus, acrimony, bitterness, rancor, resentment, aversion, ill feeling, bad feeling, ill will, bad blood, hatred, hate, loathing, odium; malice, spite, spitefulness, venom, malevolence

So God told Lucifer that he was going to hate, loath and be hostile against women.  That he would always be nipping on the heels of mankind.  Is it any wonder we always feel like something is wrong with us?

God also said that our children and Lucifer's children would always be in conflict with one another.  So there's Lucifer nipping at our heels like a little yappy dog.  And there's us crushing his head...venom lies within the head of the serpent.  It's a never ending constant battle...constant struggle...constant torment.

Next God sentences Eve in verse 16:
To the woman he said,
“I will make your pains in childbearing very severe;
with painful labor you will give birth to children.
Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you.”

Say what?  Our lives our going to be filled with pain and sorrow?  And that when we give birth to something (a child, hopes, dreams, ideas) that it will always be painful.  Really?  And that we will always be humbled by our husbands (dad/boyfriend/men in our life).  That what we desire will be left to be confirmed by him and at his mercy.  

Like the book states, Satan has had a role in either what has happened to us or how we tend to view ourselves.

What do you suppose is God’s reasoning for sentencing us to pain and sorrow and constant attack from Satan?  He longs for us to love him.  He longs for us to turn to him.  He is pursuing us so that we will love him with all our hearts and all our minds and all our souls.

Satan plagues us with either ideas or things that put feelings of shame, doubt, abandonment in our heads.  The more those lies circle around in our heads, the more we believe them.

We need to stop the negative chatter in our heads and replace it with God’s word and promises to us. We need to remember that we are made in his image.  That we are loved and pursued by God.  That we are his top priority.  That he will never leave us or forsake us.  That we are chosen.  That we are beautiful.  That we are His!

Isaiah 46:4
4 Even to your old age and gray hairs
    I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
    I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

One final thought…God made us and God is never wrong.

Falling in Love

So the first time I heard it, it sounded pretty weird to me.  In fact, very odd and a little creepy.  Falling in love with Jesus.  Falling in love with God.  If you aren’t in a relationship with God, I’m guessing it may sound a little odd to you as well.

Our relationship with God isn’t something that miraculously happens.  The earth doesn’t stand still.  There is no angelic chorus sounding around us.  Fireworks don’t suddenly go off.  Rather, it’s something that happens slowly over time.  God invites us into a relationship with him.  He asks us to love him (Matthew 22:37). 

For me it’s been an on again off again kind of relationship with him for the majority of my life.  Sometimes life brings us things/circumstances/people we don’t welcome or want.  That’s life.  It happens.  It’s those times that we should turn to God and draw closer to him, but me, well, I walked away.  When the going got tough and didn’t go my way, I left.

It’s funny how some of those on again off again relationships never really seem to leave us.  They stay simmering under the surface waiting to bubble up at any given moment.

That’s one of the great things about God.  He never gives up on us or ever leaves us. (Hebrews 13:5)  So in the not so good times, in the down right crappy times, it’s not God who fails us…God is always there.  It’s other people.  It’s circumstances.  It’s the choices we make.

Even after I had left him hanging for over six years, God was patiently waiting there for me (1 Corinthians 1:1; 1 Timothy 1:16) still inviting me in.  When I finally decided to accept his invitation to turn the relationship on again, it wasn’t a conscious choice to follow God.  It was more a let’s try this out small group thing and see what happens.  Because, you know, at any given time I could turn the relationship off again.

But I soon realized that there was no turning it off.  The small group thing was actually pretty cool.  I learned a lot about myself.  So, there I was testing out the water again.  Only, this time it didn’t take long to dive in head first.  The more I got to know God, the more I wanted to know about him.  So I found a church, joined a small group, began serving, got baptized, became a member of the church....  

I began making choices about things the way Christ would.  I began saying no to the world and yes to eternity.  I chose God.  A conscious decision.  The best decision I’ve ever made. It’s a decision I make every day all day long…it’s the only way the relationship stays on again.

Like any long term relationship, I have to work at my relationship with God.  Yes, work at it.  You might be thinking, how in the world do you work at a relationship with someone you can’t see?  Good question.

I spend time reading his word aka the bible daily.  Even if it’s just a few minutes…I cherish that time when he talks to me through his word.  I attend church to hear the gospel and learn more about him.  I experience him in the world around me – the beauty of the world has become indescribable to me – it’s just amazing to be sitting here breathing in his awesomeness!  And I spend time in prayer, lots and lots of prayer!  Oh boy, the prayer!  

Do I get mad at God?  Yes.  And I tell him when I’m not happy about something or don’t understand the reason something happened.  That’s how relationships work.  Talking (praying) things out is crucial.  Do I get embarrassed or ashamed of things I say or do?  Oh yeah…daily…and I talk with God about that, too.  Not only with God, but those who I’ve actually wronged.  I mean, what good is it to only apologize to God?

Actually, I share everything with God.  Although when I stop and think about it…he knows everything that is going on in my life…even before it happens.  But I have to talk to him and I think that’s what makes it so awesome…the constant communication.  I smile and look up and shout, “Thank you!”  I look up in tears and ask, “Why?”  I fall to my knees and shout out, “Help me!”  And he’s always there showering his grace, mercy and love down upon me.  

Then there I times when I cry out, “Where are you?”  Those are the toughest.  It’s when I don’t hear his voice that I start freaking out.  When I can’t hear him or if I don’t have things right with God, I’m off kilter.  I start going coo-coo crazy.  There are times I actually stop what I’m doing and cry out to him and ask if he can hear me and help me hear him.  When I don’t hear him it’s typically because I am not spending time working on my relationship with him…so then I know that it’s nose in the bible and prayer time!

I love God.   Without him my world crumbles and falls apart.  I know you’ve felt that about someone before… You don’t hear from them.  You’re constantly checking your phone.  You try to figure out why they aren’t replying.  You start thinking up all kinds of crazy scenarios.   Then they call and you switch from panicked maniac to cool, calm and collected in a matter of seconds.  Tell me you’ve never done that before…yeah, that’s what I thought.

Love will do that to you.  

Weird sounding or not, I fell in love.  I am in love with God.  And I don’t ever not want to be.

Who Would Have Thought?

I just sent this text to a few of my girlfriends from high school:  “3:00 will work.  And I may bring books for all of you.  I'm leading a study that has 50+ women on the book Captivating.  It's awesome!”  

Gulp.  Wow.  Ummmm….wow.

I’m leading a study with 50+ women.  Me.  At church.  Seriously?

Who would have thought…not me that’s for sure.  I seem to be thinking that more often than not lately.  

Who would have thought I would be standing on my mom’s porch with one hand on her shoulder and the other on my stepdad’s shoulder, head down and praying out loud yesterday evening?  

Not me.

Who would have thought that I would be solely listening to/rocking out to/dancing to/meditating to Christian music?  (Unless it’s being piped in of course.)  

Not me.

Who would have thought I would no longer want to watch movies or TV shows with inappropriate language or content?  

Not me.

Who would have thought that I would mentally and some times physically cringe at hearing the Lord’s name being taken in vain? (God D…, Jesus C….., OM., etc)

Not me.

Who would have thought that I would come back to the home town I said I would never come back to and actually plant some roots?

Not me.

Who would have thought that I would be not only attending church on a regular basis, but be there for more than one service?

Not me.

Who found Christ and is at peace for the first time in their life?

Me.