What an Evening!

Wow, it's the times like this with Drew which makes me wonder why I even wrote the stuff below...

Drew came over tonight for dinner. I made oven fried chicken and green bean casserole...First time ever making any type of fried chicken and I have to say that it wasn't too bad. Apparently, I am a very good cook, as Drew compliments me all the time on my cooking.

Drew is normally not overly affectionate, but tonight he really threw me for a loop. After dinner, he offered me a massage and a little somethin' extra! I was so shocked I just sat there on the couch. Drew pulled me towards him and started rubbing my back, my neck, my shoulders, my hair... Eventually, I sent him to the bedroom and told him to get naked. Sorry, no details there... ;)

He is also not normally a kisser, but tonight...hug hello, little kisses on the couch, kisses and hand holding in the bedroom, kisses good-bye. This is huge for him. Typically, Drew barely kisses at all... I am still in shock and he left over an hour ago...

We talked about all kinds of things tonight. Maybe I'm just shocked at how the evening played out...but I am just completely floored at how open he was.

I would have liked him to stay...but I'll take what I can get. And I don't want to scare him off! ;)

I wrote the following while at work today. I was feeling a little scared and unsure of things. Time with Drew, like the time we spent tonight, wipes those unsure feelings away. In fact, tonight felt much like the weekend we spent together prior to the "talk" and me feeling him pull away...only better.

I almost feel like erasing what I wrote at work, but I will leave it. I'm leaving it because I will now admit to myself that I am falling in love with him and I am scared of getting hurt...and part of me thinks that he may pull away again. I don't know...I just know that I can be 110% me and that I feel at peace when I am with him.

Any who...here's my musings from earlier in the day...I was planning to write more about them, but I'm just going to leave as is... No point writing more and possibly ruining what turned out to be a completely great evening!

Just one final thought about tonight's new Drew...is it possible that...no, I won't go there...I'll just make my way to bed and peacefully float off to sleep...

Is it really love OR is it something else…

I hate to even admit it, but I keep floundering and questioning myself regarding what is going on with Drew and I.

There is a big, big part of me that really and truly enjoys the time we spend together, the conversations we have, the way we can just be together, the feel of his skin under my fingertips, they way he smiles at me as if sharing a secret only he and I have, the witty banter we share when teasing each other…

But because he was non-committal during our "talk" there is also a part of me that wonders whether or not I should be taking things further, wonders whether or not we could possibly have any sort of future together, is afraid he will say that he wants to move on…and my heart will be crushed into a million pieces…

It's the small part of me that is wondering and afraid which puts doubts into and is causing internal conflict in my mind. I debate back and forth every so often about what to do and what is actually going on…and wind up only upsetting myself. But then the weekend comes, we are together and all the doubts I have fall to the weigh side…

Perhaps it is because I believe (I don't know and maybe that is part of the problem?!?!) that I love him that I am feel fearful, uncertain and wonder about things.