The TALK

I finally feel like I can write about this....

Last Monday, 8/25, Drew and I had "THE TALK"... Things with us have been going so very well...but I felt like he was pulling away after the long weekend we spent almost 24/7 together.

So, two Sunday's ago, 8/24, after he left, he didn't stay the night, I completely freaked out. I cried... I was up all night... I was wondering what the hell was going on... I was kicking myself for not talking to him when he was here... Etc...

That Monday morning I called him and he didn't answer, so I texted him. It was a doozy... "Good luck at dr sorry to bother you but been up all night can you call before or after your appointment". I figured he'd call after the dr because it was so close to his appt time, but he called before. He asked if everything was okay. I said yes, no...told him I had to walk into the hall and then blurted out a question about whether or not everything was okay between us. He gave me an oh wow and said we would talk later that he had to go into the dr. I figured that I wouldn't hear from him all day, but he called me after his appt. I apologized for laying it on him like that and said he was right that I should have asked if we could talk later. He had some yardwork to do, so I said I'd come by after he was done to talk. Then we talked another 20 minutes about his appt and this and that...

I get to his house, we have a drink and immediately start talking. I tell him that we've been doing whatever it is we have been doing together for a few months, been getting along good, spending more time together, and that I want to know where I stand. He thought that was fair and that he figured we would be having this talk sooner or later. He said that he liked me, that he thought that we got along really great, had nothing bad to say about our relationship, thought that I treated him very well, but couldn't give me more than he is now. He figured that I could tell that he wasn't into things 110%. I told him that he was right, that sometimes he ran hot and cold. I told him that I like our relationship, liked him, liked how I was able to be myself around him, that I thought it was great how we each had time to do our own thing without the other freaking out or getting upset... I asked if everything was so good what the problem was. He said he didn't know. He said that he talked with a friend earlier in the day and his friend said the same thing and that he (Drew) was crazy. Drew admitted that he was screwed in the head and couldn't figure it out himself.

He made the point of making sure that I wasn't looking to get married and I ensured him that I wasn't. I reminded him that we'd talked about the marriage topic before and thought that we were both on the same page.

He also said that he didn't know if there was someone else out there. Like a soul mate. So we talked a bit about that. I told him that I believed that there was more than one person out there for everyone. That you find the one you like and are a good match with, you accept who they are, relish their good traits and decide to overlook the little flaws. That even if you thought that you found the greatest person in the world, that one day you could wake up and realize that all the little flaws are driving you crazy and that possibly you could no longer live with dealing with them. He mentioned that he might want someone who was never married. I asked if he was looking for a young chickadee and if yes, what they could possibly have in common. He admitted going out with younger women and that after the initial attraction there was nothing there and that they had nothing to talk about. Drew and I can talk forever about anything and everything. I asked if having my daughter had anything to do with it and he said no. That she was old enough now that it wasn't an issue. He also brought us going out years ago and that if it didn't last then why would it now. I told him that he had his eyes set on another women who he eventually asked to marry him and that he thought she was the one for him...so why would he even bother thinking anything would progress with us. Plus, we only saw each other maybe a month or so...it was so long ago, I really can't remember. He listened to all of this, but I got the impression that he believes that someday he'll meet someone and a light bulb will go off over his head and he'll have found his soul mate.

We continue talking. He tells me that he is happy with me and that he isn't actively looking for anyone and doesn't have intentions of looking. That our relationship could last six months, a year, five years, ten years... He tells me that for now he is still a member of match.com and that he looks on there when he gets emails and is automatically logged in. I tell him that I am not even interested in looking to go out with anyone else, that I am happy with the way things are between us for now...

I do eventually want more. He said that we would probably be revisiting this conversation in another six months... I agreed.

Drew told me that he thought that I was going to come over and tell him that I found someone else and didn't want to see him any longer and told his friend he was talking to earlier as much. I asked why he thought that because I didn't think I gave him any indication that I wasn't happy. I reiterated that I was happy being with him and liked him and had no interest in looking for anyone else. We both said that if that ever changed that we would let the other person know immediately.

There was a ton more said, but I got the feeling that either Drew liked me and had cold feet or he liked me but wanted to leave the door open in case something better came along.

The entire last week I think I cried myself to sleep every night. I felt completely and utterly torn between ending it or continuing along. I really like him...I don't want to get hurt. All I could think is that I don't want to get hurt...

So I try to act normal - huge problem for me after the talk.... I was freaking out every time I didn't hear from him fearful that I had pushed him away.

This past weekend was fabulous... In fact, Friday evening Drew asked me to go away for a weekend at his buddy's cottage in late September/early October. We were driving and I almost fell out of his truck! We pretty much spent the entire weekend together again...and as usual, with all the time we spend together, it was wonderful.

I'm trying not to read too much into anything. I'm trying to play it cool. I'm trying not to blow things out of proportion.

I've talked to a few people about the situation. All have told me to ride it out for a while. Two have told me to pull back a little without being obvious and make him do a little more work. I'm not a game player, so that would be extremely hard for me to do. But I suppose if I pull away and he continues to show interest that I would have my answer about how he feels sooner than later.

I emailed him a short two liner this a.m. He called me at lunch today vs emailing me back and we talked for a while. I didn't email him this afternoon...I was busy and I guess I think pulling back a little may be a good idea...I don't know. Anyway, he called me again after work. We chatted and he let me go before he went in to pick up a pizza. Not a minute later he calls me back to tell me he got the pizza and not to roll my eyes...which I did, along with smiling, when I saw it was him calling again! We know each other pretty well at this point. I tell him I have to work and will talk to him later. And I will call him in a little while...no game playing about that!

I'm still not sure what's going on or what I want to do. I like Drew...a lot...so very much... I think I could fall in love with him and be happy for a long, long time... And that is what scares me about continuing on...I don't want to be crushed in the end. But at the same time I don't want to bail and possibly lose out on a very good thing.

So for now, I am okay (I think!?!?!?!?) continuing on as we are.