Bloodshed

Yup, it's been a blood bath at work as of late...

Every other conversation consists of who's been let go, do you know what's going on, what have you heard, blah, blah, blah...

I am so tired of the bloodshed talk. It's so old and it's been going on for almost two months now. Talk about a productivity killer... I don't think I've been functioning over 50% in the past two months....and I know there are others like me and worse...

I just want the bloodshed to be done and over with because I can't stand it any longer. My stomach was upset and my back was taught with knots this afternoon.

End of July for the last of this round of slayings... An article in the paper referenced more slayings to come later this year.

So the bloodshed will continue...for a long while I imagine...

I just can't wait for this chapter to be done and over...

"You're the one who's closest

to me right now...so I'll let you know."

That's what Drew said when I asked him about the outpatient scope he's having done on his knee Monday and whether or not he was going to need a ride to/from the procedure.

Hmmm...

Lazy, Busy Day

Seems to be a lazy, but busy day...if a day like that is at all possible.

Got up, showered, did a little research for Drew, ran some errands, doing laundry, made lunch, relaxed a little and now I'm typing this...

The past week has been horrendous at work. There hasn't been a day that has gone by that hasn't been filled with talk of people being let go. I had quite the scare Thursday night. I tried logging on to my work laptop many, many times...even rebooted...no luck. I thought for sure my ID was deleted from the system and that I was going to get a phone call. That's how they've been getting rid of the contract folks at work...a phone call on a Thursday night telling you not to come in the next day. Nice, huh? So, from around 7pm till 9pm I was a complete and utter mess and spazzing every time the phone rang. Luckily, it was a false alarm.

Earlier this week, I went over Drew's and we went to a softball game. He knew lots of the guys and introduced me around. We also talked about his MRI and Dr. appt. Seems his knee is shot from all the ironman triathlons he's done...so he needs surgery. Looks like I'll be playing nurse for a few weeks while he recovers. Surgery late August...so no Chicago trip. Fine with me, I don't have any money! ;P

Yesterday we had a Car Show in front of our building at work. It was a nice break to get away from things. I met Drew and we walked around aimlessly looking at cars for about an hour. He asked if I wanted to come over later, so we hung out at his place for a few hours last night. Nice, relaxing, completely at ease...

I'm dropping my daughter off at my mom's later today for the rest of the weekend and maybe a few days...

Drew's coming over later. If it's not raining, we'll walk the dogs, make some dinner, hang out for a while...maybe watch the Tigers... Then if it's not raining in the a.m., we're going out to the lake and Drew is going to do one final open water swim before his big 10K race. Hopefully, it will be nice and sunny and I can catch some rays while he's swimming. He has some bbq thing with the folks he's doing the race with, then he plans on coming back to my place in the evening.

My training is coming along. I ran 3-4 miles almost everyday this week. Yesterday I did some cross-training. Today will probably be a day off, no time to squeeze in a workout...but maybe I can do some crunches, push-ups or somethin' here at home...

I talked with Denver a couple times this week. Things are settling down for him. He think he's found a roommate...and we're both looking forward to our long weekend in two weeks...

Hmmm...other than that...not much to report...

Oh yeah, Jaba is still up to his usual tricks. He still refuses to pay anything towards my daughter's therapy which means he owes me almost $200...which could pay for clothes for my daughter and a trip to Cedar Point she wants to go on next week. What a putz.

Not much to complain about, a lot to be thankful for. Things could be a lot worse, but I try not to think about them.

Well, off to finish my lazy, busy day... ;)

Second Recommendation Received

Soon the custody shit will be over. We have the Recommendation from the Family Evaluator and it's pretty much the same as before, joint custody, shared time... I had three factors in my favor the rest were neutral. Jaba had nothing in his favor and the evaluator actually found some of his responses "disturbing". Yup, imagine that?!?! LOL!!! Heck, the evaluator found that my house was the more stable of the two...fancy that! ;P

I know Jaba will never agree and I am fed up with the system and am done putting my daughter and myself through any more undo stress and frustration. I've talked to my daughter and she is in agreement. I told her that if we don't get additional time together, that she is always welcome to come to my house any time...day or night...

I still think she was hoping that Jaba would see what a fuck up he is and change his ways. No such luck. He's still acting like the selfish bastard that he is.

Whatever the Judge rules when we go back is what it will be... Hopefully, we'll have a court date soon.

I can't see how this process is in the best interest of anyone....children or parents...

Is it Possible...

Written Saturday:

...to have feelings brewing for more than one person?

I had drinks with a friend of mine last night and the subject of seeing more than one person at a time was brought up ever so briefly. I just don't know how to handle things with men as of late. I've not really dated more than one person at a time, so this is so very new to me. While it's fun and exciting...

There is a part of me that feels guilty..

There is a part of me which is extremely excited to have Drew coming home tomorrow... I so hope that he's not too tired to see me. Even if we just hang out for a while, I soooo want to see him. To talk to him. Just be...with him... I feel at ease and so at peace when I'm with him. Except for the times I'm trying to figure him out~ LOL! As in what asking me to Chi-town in September to watch him open water swim means...

There is part of me which is very much looking forward to Denver coming to town in a couple weeks... I still wonder what really could be. Obviously, we've been emailing a bit since the disaster. I can't help but wonder what is really between us. His emails make me smile to the point I just can't explain. And freaking because he's already asked me to come out and visit him at the end of September.

I'm going to have to tell the cute, funny, bald guy that I'm not really interested right now... This a.m. I spent a while putting in time on match...so that I met the requirements. One more email this month... The four I wrote today were a thank you, I've met someone (meaning Drew), good luck...

As for Drew... I'm wondering if part of my attraction to him is the pursuit or the fact that I want him all to myself...or that we actually get along so well...I've been told by my sis that we seem like an old married couple!

Written today:

I'm really not sure what I want. A part of me wants to have fun...live life and forget about all the relationship B.S. BUT there is a part of me that is willing to take a leap of faith. And there is a huge part of me that doesn't want anyone, including myself, to get hurt. I think that is why I need to know where Drew and I stand. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to get hurt.

As for Denver, he is still coming out and as of now, still going to stay with me for part of his trip. I know some may think I've lost it...but I need to know for certain whether or not the spark we have is just "online" and not in real life. In fact, he's already asked me to come out and visit at the end of September...

I feel so torn... Neither man has brought up being committed... I don't know why I feel the way I do, other than I've never been in this type of situation before. And everyone I've talked to seems to think that dating more than one person is okay... I just don't know.

Maybe there is a part of me that wants a committed relationship. But I have to say there is a big part that is dead set against it! ;P I'm thinking this is why I don't broach the subject...

::sigh:: Who'd have thought that this could be so hard?!?!?! LOL!!! Definitely not me...

So, is it possible to be falling for more than one man...

I certainly think it is because I am...or should I say that I have...

Missing Drew...

Drew is off on a weekend golf extravaganza. He stayed over Wednesday and left from my house on Thursday a.m.

While we were laying in bed talking Wednesday night, he asked me to go to Chi-town with him in September to watch him do an open water swim. I told him that I needed to check to see whether or not I had my daughter.

I think he is finally starting to open up and make some attempts to be more boyfriend-like... He was even holding my hand while cuddling Thursday a.m...not like him at all!

It scares me because I like him. And as much as I like it, I'm not sure I'm really ready for it.

It also scares me because I miss having him around...even though we mostly email during the day...I hate to say that I actually miss him...

Hopefully, I can see him for a bit when he gets back on Sunday.

From Denver

Told Denver what I was thinking and why. His unedited response:

• not married....never been married....I was embarrassed and should have waited till the end of the month....my mom died and I was over there with you with her calling....not too stressful for me eh? Anyway tell the doubters I'll send them a Death Certificate, a picture of the deed to the house with just my name on it, my life insurance policies with my nieces names, and in 2-3 weeks they and/or you can call me 24/7 and you can visit anytime.....having said that.......sound like smart people giving good advice and I don't blame them or you.

I've not doubted him...but the entire situation left my head spinning...

Training

Today: Three miles...28 minutes.

Overall workout: Stretching, three mile run, jog another .25 mile, do some sprints, jog/walk and end with more stretching.

Chapped Lips

OMG, I hate to even admit this, but I have a chapped upper lip from kissing Denver...

A small portion skin above my upper lip is now peeling...

I can't stop playing with it...

And all I can do right now is think about the good part of the time that Denver was here...

He emailed me and said that he would be calling to talk about what happened.

Call me crazy, but I really want to talk to him.

I need to get answers to my questions and I really do want to talk to him. I need to hear in his voice what is actually going on.

He continues to stress that he is not married and most of me believes him...

Although there is part of me that is saying that I should walk away now...that I should forget about him..

But I can't...and I don't want to...even though I do...

I know it doesn't make sense. I can't figure it out myself, so how should I expect anyone else to make any semblance of sense about what is going on in my head...

Confusion...that is all there is from our first and only encounter...

Confusion and chapped lips...

Marathon Madness!!!

This will be the first of many running/training entries, I'm sure!

Today I ran 4 miles in 37.4 then slowed the pace for another half mile or so...

Added some weight lifting and stretching before and after.

WoooHoo!!! I'm on my way!!!! And I'm stoked!!! :)

Simply Sunday

Sunday was just what the doctor ordered…

I slept in, ran some errands and then Drew and I went on a four/five mile nature walk, went back to his place had a couple beers, talked…came over to my place, walked the dogs, then grabbed the paper, I made some dip and we sat out back sipping beer, eating tortillas 'n dip and reading the paper. We watched a few innings of the Tigers' game and then Drew went home…only to have the Tigers win in the 15th inning - about time!!!! He'll be coming over Wednesday for dinner…and will be gone for a four day weekend golfing extravaganza.

During our walk, I convinced myself that I am going to run a marathon next year. I need to have some goals and what better to get my mind and body in shape! :) So I did a little research and I am on track for a marathon in 2009! :) Drew's behind me and he's already given me some insight to things, so I have the beginnings of a cheering section…Woohoo!!!

Things are lookin' brighter already! :)

Disastrous!

Yesterday could not have gone any worse...

Of course, it started out great. I was excited and nervous to meet Denver... He gets into the car and we chat...he leans over and we kiss. It was better than I imagined it would be...and I don't have to say it because he says it - better than he thought. Just like always, saying exactly what the other is thinking. So, we go back to my place and are having a good time. We're in the kitchen chatting, he comes over to me and kisses me for the second time. That was it, we couldn't stop...all I'll say is unbelievable...better than either of us imagined...

So, we are sitting on the couch eating grapes, when my phone starts ringing. I don't answer it the first time, but then it gets to be annoying so I go see who it is because maybe it's important.

Restricted Number pops in the screen. I shouldn't have answered it, but I did. It was her. I hung up and she called back. I answered (stupid, I know!)...she said she was his wife, wanted to know what was going on between Denver and I, that she had hired a private investigator, that she had documentation showing something was going on and that she wanted to talk to me. I told her that she needed to talk to him not me, that I'd been told she is not his wife, that if she continued calling that I was going to get a personal protection order against her (doubt I could but it sounded good at the time) and hung up. And I turned my phone off.

Denver just sat there stunned. He didn't want to talk about it, instead he asked if I could take him back to his dad's. Here I am sucker punched in the gut, just like him, and he didn't want to talk? I was hurt, disappointed, sad, floored, pissed...

Driving him back, I tried to get him to talk. I asked how he was doing. I asked what he was thinking. He's worried that she is going to be calling all of their friends and it will get back to his work. He's afraid of losing his job because about 15 people have been fired for being online at work. I ask if she would really do something like that and he says yes. Somewhere in the conversation, I told him that I wondered what other information she had on me. And I thought that she most likely did a background check on me and Lord knows what else, if she hired a PI...wonderful.

He said he was sorry that I was dragged into the middle of this. Really? No shit, me, too!!!

He asked to be dropped a bit from his dad's so he could walk, try to clear his head and think, so I did. He kissed me good-bye and said he would call later...

I started driving back home and called my sis. I needed to talk to someone. She seemed to think that because he left like that that he is married or something more is going on that I don't know about. That I should have given him the phone. That he should have taken the phone from me and told her to leave me alone... Etc, etc... But being a naive person, being so wrapped up with him emotionally and so very much wanting to believe Denver, I was having a problem listening to her...

I get home and pour a very strong drink and decide to go lay in the sun. I laid out for three hours and four drinks... Fried - in all senses.

So during my basking in the sun, I texted Denver around 3ish...only to be more disappointed. He only said he would call me soon, that he needed time to think and, lastly, whether or not I had talked to her. WTF? You have got to be kidding me. I tell him I need to talk because I don't understand that if it's over with her and he's not married why he left like he did and that I was feeling confused...and he responds like that?! I respond back that I really need to talk and that no she hasn't called.

Around 6:30 I text him again asking whether or not he is going to call and that I don't know what to think and feel stupid. He texts back that he will call around 8pm.

I'm laying on the couch. He calls shortly after 8. He sounded terrible. I ask if he is okay, he says no. He says he needs to get back to CO to straighten things out and will call me ASAP on a secure line...and oh, by the way, have you talked to her? WTF AGAIN! Not only am I not getting answers, he doesn't even ask how I am doing... I say no, why? He says that she texted him that she talked to me and I agreed to tell her everything. I tell him no, she hasn't called again. He says he has to go and hangs up.

You've got to be fucking kidding me... I couldn't believe it.

After the drinks, the sun, the crying, the fretting, the worrying, etc...I had the biggest mother fucking migraine I'd had in about a year! I snorted some Migranal (it's a nasal spray) to get rid of the migraine and went to bed crying...

And ya know what? I don't give a flying fuck if the bitch reads this. If she hired a PI, I'm guessing they have ways to find things like this...but I don't give a damn...she must have all our emails and texts by now, so she already fucking knows everything. In fact, if she calls again, I think I may just talk to her...

And what am I going to say to Denver when he finally calls me, if he calls me. I feel so pissed and confused right now. Although a part of me wants to believe that he is feeling like crap and just can't talk and is completely floored by all of this...naive on my part??? Probably... ::sigh::

I had such high hopes and feel like the world came crashing down around me leaving me in a pile of rubble...

Any who...done with my little tyraid...

I felt and still feel so many things - pissed, hurt, disappointed, played, used, sad, frustrated, confused, alone...trying not to cry, again, because I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes right now...

Mostly, I need a hug.

I just want a hug and to forget about yesterday which turned out to be a hideously, disastrous day.

Happy July 4th! :)

I almost forgot! LOL!!!

Drama...who needs it???

So last night, I laid low and hung out with the doggies...

Around 10ish I texted Denver and he texted back that he had something to tell me after talking with his brother.

I get a restricted call sometime around 1 a.m. . . . I've been getting a lot of restricted calls as of late... Any who, the call went something like this: I answered and a woman asked if Brian was there. I thought of McD and said, no, no Brian here. She asked if I was sure. I said yes. I asked if she was calling my number a lot. She asked if my number was xxx-xxx-xxxY. All the numbers were correct except the last one. I told her no, that wasn't the number and hung up. (Now I'm thinking that the order of things may have been a bit different...I can't recall, too groggy.) I thought that was odd and almost called the number as soon as I hung up.

Around 3:30 a.m. I get a text from Denver. He asks if I'm up and can he call. Duh, you just woke me up! LOL!!! So we talk and he tells me that his brother told Denver that his whatever she is has been calling his brother's wives asking what is going on with him (Denver), that she hired a private investigator and that she had some information for him when he got back that he wasn't going to be happy about. I think about Drew, but didn't think it was the right time to tell him and decide to tell him when I see him tomorrow. I tell him about the restricted calls and the conversation that I had with the woman who called. We talk a little longer and at the end I tell him that I'm going to call the number to see if there is a Brian there. I call the number and it goes to a woman's voicemail (just tried the number again and voicemail)...no Brian there. I text Denver that it wasn't a Brian and oh well we can talk about it more later today, x o, hope he sleeps well.

Then I laid awake for an hour...

I'm about ready to text Denver to see what time he wanted to get together cause I feel the need to run a few miles... Seeing I've been up about an hour and a half and have updated my myspace, checked email, am in progress of doing two loads of laundry, folded another load, swept, vacuumed, washed dishes, did a little dusting, cleaned the doggie litter box and now just wrote all this...I have energy to burn!!!!

All I can think is...Drama...Who needs it??? (and part of me thinks I brought it on myself...ugh!)

Finding it Difficult to Concentrate...

...on anything besides Drew and Denver (Can't refer to him by name because it's so uncommon and easily searchable!)...

I've been in such a melancholy mood today.

Monday evening Drew came over for dinner and then Tuesday when we got up, we went to th Rec. Center again. Did I mention that Drew has a toothbrush in my toothbrush holder?!?! How the hell did that happen?! LOL!!! After working out we laid out for a while afterwards. He asked if I would go with him to watch him do an open water swim and I said okay. So, I got up early, went to the store for beer and pretzels... Drew picked me up around 7:45 a.m. and we went out to Kensington Park. Drew did his 4 mile open water swim while I laid on the blanket sunning myself, singing along to Kid Rock and did a couple word finds... We then laid out a bit more, Drew fished...it was very relaxing and we had a great time together...as always... Afterwards, we went out for lunch - yummy and filling! Drew dropped me at my place and said he would come back around 7 p.m. He left without so much as a kiss or hug...just like him... So I let my food digest and then went out on a 5.3 mile run, showered and was ready just in time for Drew to arrive. We were going to walk the dogs, Drew loves them!, but it looked like rain, so we stayed in, had some beer and played scrabble, laid around, went to bed...this a.m. we got up and didn't get out of bed until almost 11 a.m.

Last night, I got a text from Denver, three texts to be exact, asking me to text him ASAP. So I texted him back when I fed the dogs at 6 a.m. Then I dreamt about meeting Denver, he was young, like I remember him from 25 years ago... I was running around naked trying to find my phone and freaking out because I was naked and couldn't find my phone...weird! Denver texted back around 10 a.m. that his mom passed away and I texted him after Drew left. I did tell Drew that a friend texted me last night when I got back in bed at 6 a.m. and that his mom passed away when we finally got out of bed.

Denver and I talked briefly today. I think we are going to meet this weekend at some point. I was so sad for him/excited that we were going to meet that I forgot to ask how long he was going to be in town and when he thought we may actually meet - Doh!

Since Drew left and Denver called, I've been so melancholy... All I can think about is the two of them...

Drew because he is here and I think we are both starting to like each other...

Denver because I am sad for him and want to know (BADLY!) whether or not we actually click in person...and because I like him, too...

And both Drew and Denver, because if Denver and I actually do click like I think we will...I have no clue what will happen.

Right now I know that Denver and I are having the same feelings because we've actually talked/written each other about it.

Drew and I really haven't talked and things seem to be going very well, but because Drew isn't touchy/feely/kissy type guy, it's very difficult for me to read how he is feeling. I mean even this morning when he was leaving he really didn't hug me like a boyfriend would hug a girlfriend. Or at least how I think a boyfriend/girlfriend should hug! LOL! But we do talk about everything. He has told me that his friends are asking what's going on with us...that he doesn't bring women around his friends....and he has been doing all of that with me... So... ????

It's been about two months since Drew and I started seeing each other. It's been around three or so months since Denver and I started corresponding and talking.

It's all so confusing to me... I guess I'm not used to the dating scene. I dunno.

Then there's Joe, the cute funny bald buy... He's really nice and we get along great, too. One of his workers saw us out at dinner the other day and apparently mentioned to all of Joe's workers that he was seen out with a "hot chick" Me? A hot chick??? Okay! LOL!! Better than being called an old bag or a pop tart I suppose... ;)

So that's the long and the short of it. I like Drew. I like Denver. And just getting to know Joe. I feel like I'm on an episode of the Bachelorette!

How do people do this dating thing and stay sane? I feel like I'm losing my freakin' mind! Oh, wait, I've already lost it! LOL!!!!

I do know that I want to be sure that I am finding the right man. I do not want to go another year or more of dating one person only to come to the conclusion that he isn't the one...

And with the exception of today...I've been having a lot of fun lately... Even my workout today sucked, no concentration...

Any who, guess I should make some dinner and feed the dogs. I think I'm just going to lay low tonight. I don't think I'd be very good company for my girlfriends, so I'm flyin' solo!

Maybe after I eat I'll feel better...

Turkey Taco Salad - yum - my favorite!!! :)

...and be able to concentrate...

Unexpected Chain of Events

Denver's mom passed away last night. He's been in town since yesterday. All I know about her death is that she had a clot in an artery...

How very sad... I wish I could be there for him... But given the circumstances, I will probably only see him for a few hours this trip.

Over the last couple weeks he broke off his relationship with the woman he was/is living with. I think he is selling her the house. Given the timing, it would not be appropriate for me to make any sort of appearance.

I just talked to him - he's staying with his brother and will be coming down this way at some point...and it looks like we are going to meet in person while he's here...

I wish the circumstances were different.

I feel so badly for him and his family...such a loss...

On one hand, I feel so sad for him/his family; yet, on the other, I'm excited to be finally meeting him...

Life is filled with unexpected chains of events...