We had speakers lined up for each session and I was slated to speak at our first session. Me. Speaking in front of a good percentage of the women who attended service at our campus on a regular basis. About my life. Talk about nervous!
And so I started by sharing some small group basics and how the study began…
...here is my story...
Well, I was leading a small group here at the campus this spring. For one of the meetings, a woman and I were the group…that’s right, just the two of us. That particular session was on the subject of perfectionism. She and I hadn’t really shared too much about ourselves before we got started…let’s just say that by the end of a couple hours we definitely connected with one another and we each knew we had made a new friend.
After Scars series ended, we wanted to continue our friendship…I suggested we read the book Captivating. A mentor recommended it to me about a year ago, it was just sitting on my desk gathering dust and she had the book on her shelf as well. We both fell in love with the book. Ah ha moments and revelations about ourselves filled the next several weeks. And although neither of us initially would have thought we had anything in common…we couldn’t have been more wrong.
Little did we know that beginning our study would lead to begin not only healing our hearts..but that it would touch so very many other women’s lives as well.
Look around the room. All women. All unique. Do we really know what’s going on under the surface? As women, we do our best to look totally put together on the surface…but I’m guessing it may not be completely true if we take a deeper look into our hearts and souls.
Take me for example. There are times I look in the mirror and am not happy. There are times I’m ashamed of the woman I see staring back at me. The life I’ve led up until a couple years ago was not the life I thought I would have.
I was raised catholic. My parent’s divorced when I was getting ready to enter sixth grade. I remember going to work with my gramma at Tiger Stadium and getting home to a house less my dad. He was there. And then he wasn’t. It was like he abandon us. Like he abandoned me.
So it began…I was broken…
I tried filling the hole in my heart with all kinds of things. Mostly looking to boys and men to affirm my sense of self, to fill the void, to fix my broken heart. The more I looked to men, the worse I felt about myself. The more shame I experienced...
I would give myself, well, my physical self anyway, and then there I would be at the end of yet another failed relationship and I would be alone again. But I wasn’t going to fail…I would succeed…my way.
I’d just try harder. Be better. Be more of what I wasn’t and less of what I was. I could do this. I was sure of it.
I actually married someone because I was too afraid to disappoint my family. Disappoint them again. I knew it wasn’t right and I did it anyway. Instead of dealing with it, what did I do? Turned to the arms of another man. Smart right? Nothing shameful about that, right? What happened…I wound up pregnant. (I have to mention that my daughter is truly a blessing!)
But that relationship didn’t last either. So it was another failure…more shame…more regret…
I longed for someone to pay attention me. To focus on me. To seek me. I wanted to be someones number one priority. I wanted to matter.
I met a man who became my second husband. I thought I would be married to him forever. Because I had my tubes tied after I had my daughter, we turned to fertility treatments to have a child of our own. Five rounds of IVF (invitro fertilization), $50000 later…and there we were sitting in the church parking lot hearing the voicemail that said our last attempt was a Big Fat No. I was broken again. I had failed as a woman. I shut down. So what did I do? I slammed the door shut in God’s face. How could He let this happen? I was angry and bitter and depressed. Like I said, I shut down and, well, my husband drank. I gave him the option to choose the bottle or me…he chose the bottle. I left to protect my daughter – I didn’t want to lose her, too.
Too easy, too hard, too whatever…and no matter the reason, because I left, it was my fault…. So the cycle continued with me never being good enough and continually filled with despair, regret and shame…and to only try harder the next time.
I can remember a conversation with one of my last boyfriends. I was running down Hines Drive and he was rollerblading. This was during my fanatical running phase – oh yea…if I didn’t have a man to freak out over, I’d pour my heart into something else. Anyway, I can recall listing things out to this guy that were more important than me. He told me I was right. What did I do? Turn and run for the hills? Nope. I TRIED HARDER! Tried harder to move up on his list of priorities. Needless to say….I failed again.
Which takes us to my last boyfriend. Talk about going overboard…I just knew he was the one. So I had an estate sale and I sold everything…everything…down to the spices in my kitchen cabinet to be with this guy. I re-homed my dogs. I short saled my house. I did what the disciples did…dropped it all and followed along…and this guy wasn’t even God. At first it was awesome… But then reality set in. He was broken, too, and wouldn’t or couldn’t put my needs as a priority, but I could do it, I could fix it. Broken ole me…I was going to make it work if it killed me. I mean, how could I not try? I gave up everything. How could I face people if I didn’t make it work? Well, things spiraled out of control...and ended with both of us acting equally horrible in different ways.
I was lost. I was without a home. I was alone without any place to go. And I had nothing to put in a place even if I had one. I wound up coming back to the town I had always vowed I would never come back to. I cried every night for over two years. I’m not exaggerating. I cried every single night.
But life had to continue, so I started over from scratch. In fact, just about everything I have today has been acquired in the last three or four years…everything including my faith in God.
But life had to continue, so I started over from scratch. In fact, just about everything I have today has been acquired in the last three or four years…everything including my faith in God.
How did my faith burst into being? Mary Kay. I’m guessing you’re thinking – Mary Kay? Seriously? Really? Makeup? And my response is – Yes, that’s right.
You see, my daughter got pregnant. Dropped out of college and moved in with her fast food working boyfriend. I freaked. I had to be able to help her and my regular full-time job wasn’t going to cut it.. So, I started selling Mary Kay.
Did you know that Mary Kay’s philosophy is God first, family second and career third? Neither did I. Event after event, God was slipping into my life. Before even looking for a church, I joined a bible study on Gideon led by a Mary Kay Director. And after a hearing a pastor speak at event, I knew it was time to find a church.
So, what finally stopped the cycle of looking to men to fill the hole in my heart? God. I had finally opened myself to God. Instead of slamming the door shut in God’s face, I had, finally FINALLY accepted his invitation to begin a relationship with Him. A real honest to goodness relationship with Him.
My way of life had always centered around me…it was all about doing what I wanted when I wanted to make myself feel better. Instead of feeling better, all I was doing was diving deeper and deeper into sin and further and further away from God. I finally began to find peace when I shifted my focus from myself to God.
I had always felt unseen, unsought and uncertain…aware of my failings…filled with shame and despair…always telling myself to try harder.
It was only when I began guarding my heart that I began to heal. Our hearts are a direct reflection of our souls and the core of our being. It’s from our hearts which everything flows.
Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
I was becoming cognizant, I mean really biblically cognizant, of right and wrong. I began choosing to be happy and looking at the positive side of things. I chose to go back to some of those I wronged and apologized. I started walking the walk…which meant I was beginning to guard my heart.
Our hearts…our precious hearts… Within our hearts live our desires. Our hearts are a direct reflection of God, therefore, our desires are a direct reflection of God.. Unfortunately, for many of us, our desires are often buried in shame or embarrassment…but they are still there, under the surface, waiting and longing to be fulfilled.
Stasi and John Eldredge believe that women’s desires fall into three categories:
- to be romanced: to be seen, sought after, fought for and desired…to be pursued and be someones priority.
- to play a role in a great adventure: we want to be warriors (standing up for something or someone), we want to be needed, we want to make a difference.
- to be beautiful: we want to be delighted in – like when we were little and twirled round and round in a flirty skirt or playing dress up. It’s more about internal internal beauty which beams out.
::sigh::
I know I’m far from perfect. I know I’ve made mistakes. But all of that is the past. The past is the road which led me to where I am today. I am thankful and happy to say that I now know that I am loved and forgiven by the only one who truly matters. God. God loves me and forgives me…daily….even though I have failed him and fail him daily. He loved me before I was born. He loves me regardless of what I’ve done and what I do. God loves me.
And God loves you. Yes YOU. He loves YOU. He wants a relationship with YOU. He invites YOU. He longs for YOU. He knows YOU. He forgives YOU. He desires YOU.
It’s not about where we’ve been…but where we KNOW we are going.
It’s about HIM. For HIM. Because of HIM.
God purposefully chooses the weak and despised for spreading His word because He gains the most glory when doing so. And God knows fully well how weak and despised I’ve been…and perhaps that is why I share my story with you. So that you know that you are not alone. So that you know you have a sister in Christ who has walked a walk similar to yours. So that you know you are pursued and desired by Him. And so you know that He loves you no matter what.
1 Corinthians 1:26-31 Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.”
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