Sabotage

I think I know what I want. I'm not afraid to go after it. But once I have it...I freeze. I stand there paralyzed. Like a deer in headlights.

Do I think I'm not worthy? Do I think I'm not meant to be happy? Am I afraid to grasp on and not let go, but am so much more afraid of being hurt that I push what I find away? Do I really have to be in complete control of everything? Why do I have to micro-analyze and nit pick everything? Why can't I see the good in things?

Long story short...

I spent the weekend with the new man... And fucking freaked out.

A friend of mine says that it's because the events weren't on my terms and my way and it was completely out of my control.

All of which are true - I didn't have any control. And I am a control freak.

I could also see myself falling easily into his life... And that scares the shit out of me.

I've lost myself in too many a man's life...and transformed myself to be what would be good for him and for us to work. I don't want that to happen again.

But where is the happy medium? There has to be some sort of center ground, right?

The older I get, the more guarded I seem to get. The bigger and thicker the wall gets around my heart...

When I take a step back and look at things from the outside...it really was a good weekend. From what I've seen, he's a good man and a good dad. His daughter is so cute and sweet.

I'm just not sure why I do or think the things I do.

Sometimes I wonder if I sabotage myself.