Suffering = New Life

I just received a text from a friend saying that she was reading a book on suffering, thought of me and hoped I was having a great day.  And not that I found her text funny, but I actually laughed when I read it...then was really inspired to start writing.

A couple years ago, I would have said...  That my life sucked and would have used lots of colorful language to emphasize the suckiness of it.  That I didn’t think life was fair.  That somehow I always got the short end of the stick.  That my life didn’t turn out as I planned.  That I had amounted to nothing.  That everything I started somehow did not get finished.  That I was a failure.

When I think about it now, I honestly don’t believe my life has been bad.  In fact, I think it’s turned out really great!  I love my life…well, most of the time anyway!  LOL!

Suffering…hmmmm….

Yes, before now I would have said that I had been through hell and back multiple times.  And perhaps I have.  But today I am able to look at what I’ve been through in a new light.  From a different perspective.  In a new way.  In His way.

If I hadn’t experienced everything I had, I wouldn’t be in a position to do the things I am doing today.  

If I hadn’t experienced everything I had, I don’t think my love for God would be as great as it is today.

If I hadn’t experienced everything I had, I wouldn’t be able to connect and empathize with people on so many different levels as I am able to today.

I can look back and see that my suffering had a purpose.  Its purpose was not only to redirect me to the path I was supposed to be on, but to prepare me to do the work God intends for me to do.  Am I 100% sure of what His purpose is for me?  No.  But I do know that I am going in the right direction.  I also know that my suffering has prepared me to experience great joy and peace…a peace I never though was possible!  And it has given me clarity in the way I view things and the way I live my life.

Now when I’m in the middle of suffering…instead of wallowing in shame, self pity or regret (for very long), I am able to turn to His word, give thanks and rejoice for the many blessings I have been given.

In the same way, I will not cause pain 

without allowing something new to be born.”…

Isaiah 66:9 ERV

As I’ve personally experienced...out of suffering comes...clarity, direction, purpose, peace…a renewed life!

Connections

Connections.

We are all connected.  
We are connected whether we realize it or not.

Connections.

We may cherish them.  
We may not like them.  
We may thrive on them.  
We may withdraw from them.  
We may seek them out.

Connections.

We make them unknowingly.  
We make them mistakenly.  
We make them intentionally.  

Connections.

Some last a moment.  
Some last a lifetime.  

Connections.

Can bring a smile to our faces.  
Can bring tears to our eyes.  
Can bring love into our lives.  
Can bring us to places we’ve never imagined.  
Can bring us unending fear, pain and sorrow.  
Can bring us peace, comfort and joy.

Connections.

Without them we would be alone.  
Without them we would be isolated.  
Without them we would be without conflict.  
Without them we would be without love.
Without them we would be without purpose.

Connections.

Choose Jesus

The Enemy.  Lucifer.  Satan.  Angel of Darkness.  The serpent.

Regardless of what we call him, he opened the door, we walked in and we fell from grace.

Because we fell from grace we were sentenced to be hated and attacked by Lucifer. (Genesis 3:15)

It is the enemy who works to create unrighteous feelings within us.

I have been doubting myself as a Christian at work.

I believe I am playing a role in making a positive difference for the kingdom of Christ.

I don’t think the enemy appreciates what I am doing.

I truly believe the enemy is preying on my weakness…specifically, my doubts at work.

I completely freaked at work today.  I went over the deep end and assumed (yes, yes, I know what that makes you and me) the worst of the worst.  I completely feel into his trap.  I actually dove into his trap head first.  I didn't pass Go, I didn't collect $200, I just went right on into his trap.

Why is it that we so easily believe the enemy's lies?  

Why is it that we find it difficult to believe the promises of our Savior? 

It all goes back to our hearts.  Protecting our hearts above all else. (Proverbs 4:23)

I think we are so used to the garbage going into our heads, and ultimately our hearts, that it makes it just that much more difficult to believe the truth.  

Believing the truth.  

God is the truth.

John 14:6 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

And that's the red letter text! (the red text in a red letter bible is what Jesus said during his life here on earth)

God sent his son to die to forgive our wrong doing.  To give us ever lasting life.  To give us eternity with Him.

We are THAT important to God.  I mean think about it.  Giving your only child for the lives of those in the world.  How many among us could do that?  It's huge!  Huge!

And yet we still doubt ourselves.  Question our worth.  Wonder about our importance.  Ponder our existence.  Even after God gave His son for us!

Jesus defeated the enemy for us.  He body slammed him.  The enemy was down for the count and taken out by God.  

Our job is to take that leap of faith, have hope, believe and walk with the Lord.

Why does it seem that every single time God extends His hand to us...we question?  We go into crisis mode.  The alarm sounds.  The sirens blast.  We duck and cover.

Imagine how God must feel when we do that...  Giving His ONLY child to death to see us consistently waiver back and forth...

I'm really not sure where I was going with this...only know that it's been eating at me all evening.

::long pause in typing::

All evening I've been feeling like I was failing again.  I mean I fell right into the enemy's trap.  But now that I've been thinking about it I don't think so.  I think it actually shows growth.  If I wasn't growing spiritually, I wouldn't be thinking about it.  And if I wasn't thinking about it, I wouldn't be able to do anything about it to make changes so that it doesn't happen again.

I'm done with the devil.  He's taken enough of my life.  He cannot have any more.

I choose Jesus.  

Personal Change

Being a Christian does not mean I am perfect.  I mess up all the time.  Boy, do I mess up.  Being a Christian means I realize what I did wrong and make changes to ensure it doesn’t happen again…the biblical word for that is repentance.

According to Wikipedia (non-biblical definition):  "Repentance is the activity of reviewing one's actions and feeling contrition or regret for past wrongs. It generally involves a commitment to personal change and the resolve to live a more responsible and humane life."

Seeing and realizing what I’ve done wrong is easy.  At least it is now.  As soon as I do something wrong, I know it.  I stop.  Literally, stop, dead in my tracks.  My eyes grow wide.  Depending on how bad it is, I may scream at myself (in my head, of course), “Sue!!!!”  More often than not, I look up and say, “I’m sorry Lord!” - sometimes out loud, sometimes just mouthing the words and sometimes in my head.  And if another person is involved I apologize to them as well.

The difficult part is making sure it doesn’t happen again.  That is the intentional part.  Being intent on doing good at all times and making changes as needed along the way.

1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

We admit to doing wrong…confess.  God is faithful and wipes the slate clean…Jesus died so that we could be forgiven.  Jesus’ death washes away our wrong doing…purifies us.  From everything that is bad…unrighteous.

I've got all that down.  It's the next step, the personal change.  The making sure it doesn't happen again that I need to work on.

For me...I expect myself to be good all of the time.  Not a very realistic expectation given I'm human.  Perhaps it's because I'm pretty open about being a Christian.  So when I do mess up I feel like the spot light is on me and a siren goes off.  It may sound strange, but I am really very aware of my wrong doings.

Making sure it doesn't happen again.  Making personal change to make sure it doesn't happen again.  I don't know why this is bothering me.  Something about it has been pulling on my proverbial coattails all day.  

Perhaps it's because I have had to give myself several "time outs" at work last week.  I have been really struggling with keeping my composure.  I haven't lost it which is good.  But I have had to tell someone I would have to call them back and have walked away from groups at least two or three times in the last week to pray and regain my composure.  

Light Bulb Moment! 

Yesterday, I was telling a friend not to be so hard on themselves.  I may have even waggled a finger at her. Seems I need to take my own advice.  Seems I shouldn't be fretting.  Seems like I have been changing after all.  If I hadn't started writing, I would have never come to this conclusion.

Slow.  Intent.  Personal Change.  Got it.

Intentional

So there I was this a.m. at 6AM in bed wide awake and thinking about what it means to be a Christian.

I have to say that it can be very difficult at times.  Everything I do now is done intentionally.  I just don't "do" things any longer.  I stop and think about them.  Yup, them...that would be everything.  Everything I do is intentional.  

What kinds of things?  Well...

Let's take music choices.  You're probably thinking there isn't anything wrong with music.  It is awesome.  But is all of it awesome?  Have you ever stopped to think about the words you hear in mainstream music?  I mean, stop and think about it. Most popular music is full of sex, scandal, drinking, partying, drugs, lust, anger, and all kinds of other innuendos and insinuations...  So I listen to christian stations now.  I love them and I love the music.  It's uplifting, it's calming and it helps put me in the right frame of mind especially when I'm I'm driving.  Instead of being the crazy lady behind the wheel, I'm now the one watching all the other crazy drivers thinking to myself, "That used to be me."  Any way, I digress...  I guess what I'm saying is that what you listen to is what you're filling your head with.  

And then there is TV and movies.  Nowadays it seems like the majority of the shows are filled with scandal, lust, sex, nudity, drinking, cheating, lieing, stealing, killing, deception, foul language...the list could go on and on.  I choose not to watch the majority of what's on TV for that reason.  In fact, I was watching some old seasons of the original CSI Tuesday evening and I stopped.  Strip clubs and murder...I couldn't do it any longer.  I literally stopped the stream and turned something else on.  I know it sounds strange.  CSI.  Everyone watches that.  Well, not me.  Any longer that is.  Again, it's what we fill our heads with.  

Ah and movies...this is the doozy.  I can't tell you how many movies I've stopped watching or DVDs I've returned after viewing the first 10 or 15 minutes.  Again...it's all about what goes into the noggin'!

Swearing.  Oh yes.  This was a big one for me.  I did not realize how much I used to swear.  For many it seems so normal and natural to swear.....I mean everyone does it even kids.  It's probably the cultural norm now.  I used to call myself "Sue the Sailor Mouth".  Pretty sad and disgusting when I think about it now.  About a year ago, I actually wore a ponytail holder on my wrist and would snap it when I swore or thought about swearing.  I actually had welts!  Okay, well not really, but you get the idea. Do I swear now...yes, sometimes it slips.  But I immediately realize what happened and do my best to continue not to do it again.  It's that head thing again...what's in the head...

Reactions.  This is a good one, too.  We all have a choice to react to things that happen in our daily lives.  We can choose to let them upset us.  We can choose to let something that happened ruin our entire day. Or we can choose to accept what happened and turn the other way.  Someone can wrong us...we can choose to forgive them or we can choose to be angry or hurt or upset and let them have power over us.  Standing in line at the store waiting our turn.  We can choose to get annoyed if it's taking to long or we can wait our turn patiently.  

Yes, we make choices.  You make them.  I make them.  Everyday.  All day long.

Have you ever heard of this verse?  Proverbs 4:23  Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

You see what is in our heads ultimately transfers to our hearts.  And what is in our hearts comes out of us through our words and our actions.  If we fill our heads with garbage long enough, eventually garbage will come out.  If we fill our heads with good, then good will come out.  Seems simple enough.

So what does all of this have to do with being a Christian?  In the Bible, we are given three great commands...love God (Matthew 22:37-38), love one another (Matthew 22:39) and spread the good news (Matthew 28:19-20).  

Loving God and others...I can't do that if I've got garbage coming in and going out.  And if I want only good to come out, I have to be intentional, very intentional, about what goes in and what comes out of my mind and my heart.

Loving.  Doing things with love.  Doing things out of love.  When you stop and think about it...that covers A LOT of ground...it's really everything we do.  If we are not doing things in love...then we are going against God's commands.  And if we want to be true Christians, we must follow God's commands, right?

Living my life in love as a Christian has not come easy.  It's really hard.  So very hard sometimes.  The cultural norm is not to live in love, but to live for ones self.  To do things because it feels good.  To do things to go along with the crowd because if it's okay for them, it's okay for me, too. 

When we live in love, it's not about us...it's about others.  How we treat others.  How we talk to others.  How we handle ourselves. What we decide to do in all situations.  It's about forgiving others when they wrong us.  It's about apologizing to someone when we wrong them.  It's about doing the right thing even when it seems impossible and goes against the grain. 

It's about being intentional.  

Wake Up and Smell the Coffee

I'm pretty sure that is the call I've been getting the last few weeks.  

God's been calling for me to wake up and get things going in the right direction in all aspects of my life.

And since the migraine fog has lifted, I must admit that I have a renewed energy about everything in my life.

Everything!  Even work.  I've been really struggling to stay engaged...full engagement now!  Super busy and happy about it.  Happy to be at my job which I have been loathing for months!  Months!  Unreal!  Who would have thought?!  Definitely not me that's for sure.  So excited.  Even got out of bed early this a.m. to get to work on time!  That's a first in...as long as I can recall.  Woot!  Woot!

I'm excited about the next season of women's study at church.  And I'm pretty sure we have our next study picked.  I'm praying about it!  And praying more lives will be touched.  

I'm also excited to start "connecting" again at church.  How I've missed it.  I got so caught up in the "tasks" when I was leading that I lost my sense of purpose and direction.  Well, it's back now and this girl is on FIRE for the LORD!!!!  

Like I put in my last entry, I had been reading and praying on scripture that says to REJOICE in ALL situations and TRUST in the LORD.  He definitely came through loud and clear on his reply.  

This girl is wide awake and raring to go!

It's Not About Me

I’M BACK!!!!!  Praise GOD the steroid burst is working!!!! 

Wow, what a difference in how I feel…it’s completely unreal.  After two plus weeks of having multiple migraines every day…relief!!!

I’m not sure what I would have done if I hadn’t had God’s word to fall back on.  I am so thankful that He kept on pursuing me.  That He kept on inviting me to join Him.  That He never gave up on me.  

Friday I was on my knees sobbing and praying not once, but twice in the meditation room at work…and Friday is when Dr. Throat Punch (possibly a story for another time) relented and prescribed the Prednisone like I asked over a week ago!  

WooHoo!!!!  I feel like the fog has lifted, my head is no longer in a vice, I don’t have an ice pick coming out from inside my brain out of my eyes, smells and sound and light aren’t an issue, I can think, I can put sentences together, I actually listened to the radio and sang on the way to work this morning!!!!

I’m not 100%...but I’m just ecstatic!!!  I’ve been rejoicing and praising God all day!!!  

And I’m so very thankful for everyone who has been praying for me…so very thankful!!!!

Over the last couple weeks, I’ve been reading and re-reading the following scriptures…they were the light in what seemed to be a never ending sea of darkness.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Philippians 4:4-9 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

1 Peter 1:6-9 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Romans 5:1-5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

God tells us to rejoice…in all things…in all situations…and, yes, that means even in the crappy ones.  I was praising God and thanking him daily for all he gave me.  I mean I have a job, a car, a condo, great family and friends…so many blessings that I am ever thankful for.  And during those prayers, I asked Him to heal me or to give me strength to make it through each day until I was healed.  And by His grace He gave me that strength.  For over two weeks He gave me strength daily.  Don’t get me wrong, I told Him that I knew that it was in His way and in His time that he would heal me…but I wasn’t happy that it was taking so long…and, yes, I knew that he would be faithful to my prayers…in His time.

Something really struck me, now I’m talking striking me to the core, is when a friend was praying for me on the 27th.  She said “we need her back Lord”…it brought tears to my eyes because it was not only so heartfelt, but so true.  I didn’t need to be “back” for me.  I needed to be back to continue serving others and to continue having God work through me to serve others and partner in His work. 

It’s really not about me.  

Life is not about me.  

It’s about doing His work.  

It's about working with Him to serve others.  

And as I started typing this entry to give thanks and praise to the great I AM, I looked out and saw this…tiny little hearts floating across the sky. 

 My response, “I love you, too, God.”