Relationship Recap

So I wiped out both of my blogs...the old and the more recent and started this one back up....

McD and I haven't been dating for a several months now...since April sometime. Things just didn't work out. I didn't like his kids, I wasn't fond of the way he always wanted to be around me, I wanted to venture out and make new friends and actually DO things and he did not...blah, blah, blah... I felt smothered and like I needed to get out and just breathe...to dance under the stars and in the rain with abandon... I felt like I couldn't do that with McD. I knew that McD and I were over back in December, but just couldn't find it in myself to end it...it's the whole not wanting to say something because you'll hurt the other person thing - sound familiar? Any who...I actually had a fling while in Germany for work. Not proud, but no regrets on my part - it made me realize that I needed to make some changes in my life.

I do not hear from Elvis. In fact, I run into old mutual friends and they tell me that they never hear from him either... Hopefully, he is doing well.

I hope that both McD and Elvis are doing well. I don't wish ill will on either of them...

Right now I'm just trying to figure things out... Taking it one day at a time and trying (ha!!!) not to over analyze things.

I ran into Drew a couple months ago (my god, I can't believe it's been a couple months)...and we've been seeing each other since then...

Both Drew and I are on Match.com... I check the site and so does he. We haven't talked about "relationship status" and quite frankly, I'm not sure I'm ready to do that. I like Drew (OMG, did I say that?!?!?!?!?!?!), but I'm afraid to dip my toes into the serious relationship pool again.

I don't know if we are exclusive in his mind...in my mind, we are not. If we were, then I would think we would have had the "relationship status" conversation by now and neither of us would be keeping up on the Match thing. Maybe I'm just kidding myself. Maybe I'm hiding behind meeting new people and what have you, but I'm just not ready right now... And I do not want to hear that Drew is not ready and doesn't want to be exclusive - how selfish is that?!

Tomorrow Drew is coming over for dinner. He asked me to go to the gym with him Tuesday a.m., but I have an appt at Friend of the Court I forgot about Tuesday a.m. (I know, I know...how the hell could I forget).

This past weekend I talked briefly with one of Drew's buddies. He told me that Drew was really affected by the breakup of his engagement. I'm not sure how long ago that was, I think over a year. Drew's bud also said that Drew is now commitment shy...hello! So am I! Drew and I are like two peas in a pod...I've even said/written that to Drew on more than one occasion.

So I'm dating and trying to not over analyze things. Not doing well on not over analyzing, but trying to enjoy...

There is so much more I could say, but I'm not comfortable putting it all out there any longer. This is my avenue to let my feelings out and I'm not certain I feel okay doing that any more... I write to let things out, not for anyone's entertainment, not for anyone's judgment...but just for me... I need to get beyond what other people think, even though I know that what I think is the most important thing, that other people do not know me or the entire story, etc..., before I can completely be so open again...

I so need to talk about my friend in Denver whom is coming out to stay with me for a long weekend in August... ::sigh:: ...but right now, I just can't do that... Not only because I don't need assvice from fucking idiots, but because I am not sure how I feel about it any longer. And until I figure things out in my own head, I don't know what to say. I will say that if my friend from Denver was here, that I believe in my heart that I would be torn between two men... I find myself torn now and Denver is so far away and that there is most likely no hope for anything more than a weekend in August... But until that weekend comes, I cannot be certain that it couldn't be more or that the feelings I have are real or not. I need to see him in person. I need to talk with him and spend time with him so that I know in my heart once and for all...

So much confusion... I feel torn...and uncertain...

But when I am with Drew there is no confusion.

When I am writing or chatting or texting or talking with Denver, there is no confusion there either...

But when I am alone with my thoughts, with my feet hitting the pavement during my runs, with the rope hitting the floor at the gym, etc...I feel nothing but confused...

I like Drew. I enjoy my conversations with Denver. I don't know what to do...which means that I'm not ready to commit...maybe be committed, but not commit! LOL!!!

So until I figure things out...or until me and whomever have a "relationship status" conversation that makes a relationship exclusive... I am going to have fun. I am going to try to enjoy the time I spend with whomever and make it the best possible time I can spend with them. And I will have no regrets and try my best not to over analyze things.

That's the recap... That's my relationship status in a few hundred words. It seems so, so...trivial and trite...but the feelings I have about so many of the things I have just written about are real and deep and burn to the depths of my soul...