Me.

I deserve the best.

I will not settle.

If I'm putting in 100% into a relationship, my partner better well be putting in 100%, too.

I have to keep telling myself these things. I have to because I do deserve the best and I deserve a man who is putting in as much as I am.

I may love Drew, but I do deserve to be treated with the utmost respect.

Tomorrow Drew is coming over to walk dogs with me as long as weather permits. And I think we may have drinks Friday evening vs passing out candy.

One of the two evenings I must talk with Drew about the match thing even though I believe that the outcome will not be what I want it to be... I have to know what is going on for my own mental well-being. I have to talk with him face-to-face and see it in his eyes what the truth is.

And if it's not what I want to hear, as I suspect, at least I will know what I am thinking is true. And I will have to prepare myself to move on. As much as I care for him, I deserve better. I deserve to be with someone who treats me with the dignity and respect that I treat them with and isn't looking over their shoulder or peering around the corner to see if something better is out there.

(Why is it that I always think the worst and expect the worst outcome... I believe this could be a topic for another entry.)

It's time to be brave.

It's time to think about what is best for me.

I want to be happy all the time. I don't want to be thinking what if...about anything. I've thought that too long about far too many things and it's time for it to be all about me in the here and now.

Yes, it's time.

It's time things were all about....

Me.



P.S. Give me the strength to go through with this because I'm scared shitless beyond belief!!!!

What time is it?

Tick tock, tick tock...CHOMP!!!!

Yesterday I got home from work, made oatmeal cookies, fed dogs, took my daughter to shrink appt., came back home fed dogs and picked up cookies, went to Drew's, came home and made more cookies...

Some time between the first time I left to take my daughter to the appt and coming back from Drew's the dogs ate my watch! WTF? I had it laying on the counter and they snatched it off and mowed down on the face. It sitll works, but no glass to cover the hands.

I've been checking my wrist for the time all day...and nothing...

Before going to Germany, I hadn't worn a watch in years. Since then, I've been wearing one all the time and have gotten used to it.

Now I have no idea what time it is. Darn dogs!

Bike, Walk, Feel Good

Day two of working out....and it feels great!

Like I said in a previous post, it really does help my mental state of mind. :)

10 minutes on the bike, 20 minutes on the treadmill walking and some back/stomach exercises today.

I may not be roaring, but I sure am feeling good.

Meow

I suck. The match thing is bothering me again.

Looks like it's time to face the problem head on.

Not sure when this week, but I can't put it off any longer.

So much for all the rah, rah...and I am woman hear me roar.

Right now all I can do is say meow.

Back in Action

Wow, what a difference a workout makes.

Okay, so right now it's only the bike for 10 minutes and walking...but I have the GREEN light to start easing back into working out. That marathon next year is definitely achievable! :)

I sure hope this does something for my peace of mind. I was really starting to feel like a slug. Maybe this will help boost my spirits on a more regular basis and help me remain more positive.

When I was running I would run all my cares and worries away. I was able to think things through and push the garbage to the side without having it eating away at me.

I'm hoping that the time on the bike and walking (until I can start running again) will help my frame of mind and reference. Right now my frame of mind is no where near complete. I contemplate so many different things and let things get to me that I normally wouldn't. And hopefully by having (making) the time to rationally think things through I will be able to better face those things that do bother me which I cannot push to the side.

My workout time is my time when I allow myself to work through all the little problems in my life.

For the past two months, all the little problems have been building up and eating away at me. I didn't want to face them. Today I gave some thought to a lot of different things. It felt good. I don't know why I don't allow myself to face things/problems at other times... Maybe something I can contemplate tomorrow. ;)

I just feel really good right now. I mean, I know Drew was on match...and well, whatever. I mean it bothered me a little, but I told myself...self, get over it, you said you could deal, so deal and stop freakin' looking. :) Could be all those wonderful feel good endorphins that are coursing through my body right now.

I think working out helps me feel good about myself. I am woman hear me ROAR! LOL!! :D

Now I'm off to make dinner...and relax. And I will truly relax because...

I am back in action!!!! WooHoo!!!!

Willingness to Wait

Okay, so I never brought up the match.com thing this weekend... I know, I know... I should have. Looks like I am just a coward.

And I also know that what Mr. Big wrote is what I am floundering on. Am I willing to wait with the possibility of him realizing that I am the one and am willing to wait with the possibility of being left behinds?

As much as I do not like that he looks...the feelings I have for him out far weigh it.

I suppose that I am not confronting the situation because I don't want to lose him. I don't want to push him away...

I honestly believe that he has trust and relationship comittment issues. I say this because Drew has been 100% upfront with me so far...I have no reason to believe that he would lie to me.

Like I've said, the match thing is the only real thing that I don't like... I love the way I feel when I'm with him. I love the way he makes me laugh. I love the way he cuddles up behind me in the morning. I love the way he smiles at me. I love our witty banter...like an old couple who's been together for years. I love the way we can talk about anything and nothing. I love doing things for him and the way he appreciates me for doing them. I love how we walk the dogs, how he calls Zeus his dog, but won't pick up the poop.

There are so many little things that I love about Drew...which allows me to have a willingness to wait. Well, at least for now.

Blah

Well, if Drew is up to no good, he sure doesn't act like it.

Got in early this a.m. and he had already emailed me with a little xoxo at the bottom.  He doesn't do that too often, sometimes, but not all the time.  He calls me at lunch or right after work sometimes when he's really busy at work.  We spend most of the weekends together…  Blah, blah, blah…

Part of me feels bad about looking/checking the match thing all the time.  I think I just need reassurance that there is no funny business going on…

I just don't get it.  Maybe I am making big deal about nothing.  I have a guy friend who tells me that men do this sometimes and that I shouldn't read too much into it.

I don't know.  I do know that I'm frustrated and exhausted by the situation.

I need to focus on something else. 

If only I could run, I would run like there is no tomorrow...