Getting Rid of the Gunk

I’m spending the week pet sitting for my sister.  I'm actually staying at her house.  

Disclaimer for some of the info below:  I don't mind doing this and I'm extremely happy that I am able to help her out.  I would do anything for my sis.  

Any who, since I'm not at home, I've been a little out of my element and not doing the things I normally do.  

This morning while Yukon, her dog, and I were out walking, I started evaluating the past 96 hours and came to a few realizations.  Well, maybe not realizations, but confirmations of things I've thought about before.

For one, I love, love, love condo life.  I do not miss having a house and all the upkeep that goes with it.  Who wants to water hanging baskets and pots every night?  Not me.  Who wants to cut the lawn and make sure it’s edged and weed free?  Not me.  This may be the life for some...but it's not for me, I love my condo.

Another thing is that although I occasionally have thoughts about having another dog, pet sitting cures me of this want. Not that I don’t love my furphew, because I do…even though I may call him Satan and Stink Bomb, I love him.  Feeding in the morning.  Walking.  Picking up poop.  Hair everywhere.  Letting him out to do his business.  Letting him in from doing his business.  Feeding at night.  More pooping.  It’s a lot of work and takes a good amount of time.  I’m happy in my pet free condo.  I did mention I love my condo, right?

The other thing is TV and how our viewing choices impacts me.  I am so over it.  I do not have cable at home.  I sheepishly admit that I have been watching the Lifetime Movie Network and I must say…I have allowed it to warp my thinking.  And it happened so quickly.  Within a few nights.  It’s crazy.  And I didn’t even realize it was happening.  Until this morning that is.

Last night, I was sitting there watching some movie which I can’t even recall the name of and before I knew it I was thinking about the past (Ugh!!!!!!  WHY???) and balling my eyes out.  I started thinking my life was a little out of whack.  Thinking that maybe I needed something else to complete myself.  WTHeck is that all about?  I mean, seriously, WTHeck?

It’s no wonder us women have such high expectations and want the perfect life.  The perfect life according to mass media that is.  So many of these movies’ messages is that if you don’t have a man, something is wrong with you.  That if you don’t have the perfect life, according to mass media and the cultural norm, that you should actively pursue it.  

Crazy.

I love my life.  I do not need a man to make me feel complete.  I don’t need things to make me happy.  I don’t need to conform to what the world thinks my life should be life to be content.

I have peace.  I have joy.  I have contentment.  

Looks like I am going to have to peel back this new layer of gunk.  And good thing it's just a thin layer.  I am going to stop being complacent about things because I am out of my element.  I am going to get back to being intentional in all I do.  

The things we surround ourselves with, the things we listen to, the things we indulge, yes indulge, in (like binging on Lifetime Movies)…they all impact us...er, um I mean me.  They impact our thoughts and our actions.  And if we are not careful…if we are not intentional…we can allow those things to take us down a slippery slope which leads to nothing good.  Or rather, "No Good", as my gramps used to say.

Needless to say, there will be no more Lifetime Movie Network in this girl’s future.

So, I’m peeling it off.  I’m owning my choices.  I’m acknowledging that I need to refrain.  I don't like the slippery, gunked up slope of the cultural norm.  I am moving back to being consistent and intentional because not conforming requires 24/7 intentionality.

Romans 12:2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Imperfect Perfection

It's been a very interesting vacation.  Very interesting to say the least.  I've discovered and have been reminded of some things about myself.  Not only through introspection, but from listening to other's viewpoints of me as well.

I've been reminded that I'm extroverted (for those who really know me, you know this is somewhat of a mystery to me), that I'm interesting, adventurous, independent, cool, look younger than my years and that I'm brave.  

I can't tell you the number of strange looks I've gotten when I arrived to my breakfast, lunch or dinner reservations.  It's been mostly looks of surprise...of wonder...of confusion...when I say party of one.  A hostesses actually asked me why I would be travelling alone.  She was completely bewildered and could not understand it.  I couldn't understand why she couldn't understand.  It was a pretty funny conversation - she not understanding and me trying to convince her that she should try it.

I actually enjoy my alone time.  I recharge.  I wind down.  I do what I want...when I want.  And if I decide I don't want to do what I have planned...I don't.

There have been moments...very fleeting moments when I wish I had some companionship...but just as quickly as they came...poof...they were gone.

On top of all that, I get to meet some very interesting people.  Again, if I want to.  I met a marvelous couple from Rhode Island and some really nice folks from Georgia and Illinois.

...anyway...I digress...

There have also been some revelations...

I've know for a very, very, very, very long time that I'm broken.   That  I'm damaged.  That I'm no where near qualified to be doing what I am doing...

And guess what?

I no longer care.

Well, okay, I suppose I care a little bit.  But not nearly as much as I used to.

You see, during some of my reading, I was reminded that all the great biblical heroes were also unqualified.  Moses was a murderer.  Jacob was a liar, a betrayer and sort of a thief (stealing his brother's blessing and birthright).  Gideon was a coward - hiding in a wine press...who the heck does that?  Even David did some pretty unsavory stuff...  And look at James...it's thought that he didn't believe his half-brother was God until after He died and rose from the dead.

Yup, I think I'm in some pretty good company.  In fact, we all are.  All of us who are broken and beaten.  All of us who feel unworthy and down trodden.  All of us who have been through the wringer and around the block a time or two or ten.

Whether we realize it or not, it's through our weaknesses that we are able to relate with one another.  And it's through our trials and tribulations that we actually find common ground with one another.

We don't have to be perfect.  If we look at God's track record in choosing those He works through...that becomes very obvious.  God doesn’t work in and through perfect people; it's actually quite the opposite.  I’m coming to realize that it's through our imperfections that we become perfect.  I'm not sure if that makes sense...but...even though we aren't perfect we are perfect in God's eyes.

It's through God's eyes that we must begin to see ourselves so that we can truly live the life we are intended to live.

It's through His eyes that we must see ourselves.

And I know, without a doubt, that it is truly because of Him that we are able to do all things and then some.

everything i need.

what was going on?  

what was happening?  

i felt like the world was closing in on me.  that there was nothing i could do.  that everything was just too much too handle.

i froze.  i was frozen in time.

i sat there staring at my computer screen...for most of the day.

i sat there freaking out.  anxious.  not understanding what was going on with me.

the chatter in my head whirled round and round.

it was a muffled chatter, but chatter none-the-less.

i couldn't make out the words.  

i knew the chatter was there.

i seriously didn't know what to do.  

it was like the world was caving in...but nothing bad had happened.

it was just a normal day.  

which is why i was freaking and making a big deal about it in my head.

as i type this, i can feel the anxiety rising up.  

it's there...it wants to bubble over. 

i won't let it.  i can't let it.

it will not take over again.

it won't back down.

as i read the words on a note card, i am terrified.  but why?

NO!  NO! (screaming to the chatter)

reading the note card:  i am His masterpiece, His workmanship, sealed with His promise, redeemed.

NO!!!  you can't come in! (again, screaming to the chatter)

i put my face in my hands so quickly that my hands actually slap my face.

i had texted a friend an hour or so ago:
"chances are the closer we get to our calling, the more opposition we will face.  the harder things will become.  the more difficult even the simplest things will be."

i'm guessing i'm getting seriously close.

i feel opposition at ever turn.  at every stop.  in every situation.

i know the road ahead is filled with...torment...oh my, that is what popped in my head.  

torment.  wow.  really?  seriously?  torment?

it doesn't have to be.  

earlier this evening, i was led to the following scripture and...

i know that within it lies truth.  

i know that within it lies peace.  

i know that within it lies comfort.  

i know that within it lies everything i need.

James 4:7-11 (NIV) 
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

Connectedness

I've been meaning to take myself to dinner all week and last night I finally did.  I had stayed a little late at work looking at vacations - a vacation this year is one one my goals - and thought it would be a good night for treating myself.

I ran a couple errands and then decided to go to Carrabba's.  I walked in and it was packed, but the long high top in the bar area was wide open, so I made myself at home at an end seat with my books.  It's something I've done before - go out with myself and a book.  I happen to bring #Struggles by Craig Groeschel with me along with the participant guide for a study I'm doing now.  

As I'm getting myself organized, I look up and see a Director from Mary Kay being led to a booth behind me.  What a coincidence I think.  I turn to say, "Hello" and pick up the guide.  I say to her, "Look at the study I'm doing now."  Crash the Chatterbox by Steven Furtick.  She smiled wide.  I had happen to participate in a group led by her through Mary Kay the first time I studied this book.  Crazy, right?!  

We chatted for a bit and then decided to settled in with the book.  I felt the guide had served it's purpose, so I picked up #Struggles and started reading.

After I ordered, these two older ladies sat in the seats near me at the high top table.  Then a man joined them.  He had a large silver cross pendant on, so I complimented him on it.  He smiled, touched it, looked up and said that it was his profession.   

The evening continues and my small plate arrives.  More rearranging so I could continue reading my book.  I had left my reading glasses at the office, needless to say I had to hold my book out a ways.  The older gentleman jokingly asked if he could hold the book for me.  We laughed and, I'm not sure why, but I commented on the book being not too main stream.  It was then he asked where I went to church.  Just so happens he pastor's at Southshore hospital...which happens to be across from my church's main campus in Trenton. I mentioned that I attend Allen Park campus and he wasn't aware we had another campus...it's three campuses actually. :)

Back to reading.  I am loving the book and highlighting away.  I thought I heard one of the ladies say ChristNet.  My head pops up.  I look over and ask, "Did you say ChristNet"?  She replies, "Yes."  Me, "Oh wow, I volunteer...our church just housed ChristNet for a week!"  The other lady chimes, our church house them as well.  She continues to tell me how five churches on Grosse Ile work together to house them for a week at her church.  Too cool!  A little more chatting and then I told them I was sorry I hijacked their conversation, they laughed and went back to talking...and I went back to reading.  What's the odds of that happening?  

More reading and highlighting while I'm enjoying the main course and the Mary Kay Director taps me on the shoulder and says, "Good seeing you".  I turn and tell her that I was so thankful for Mary Kay and that it changed my life forever.  I also tell her that I will never forget Mary Kay and always include it in my testimony.  She looks down and tells me that I'm always invited to join her anytime, wishes me a Happy New Year and leaves.

Back to the book...  

I finish dinner, close the book and pull out a stack of PASS IT ON message cards.  They are little cards with scripture on them.  I look through them and pick out one for the man and one for my server.  I write "Blessings, Sue" on the back of each.  Hand one to the man and put the other in the little black check/payment folder.  They all say, "Bye, Sue!", I say bye and they respond with, "We'll have to do this again sometime".  I smile and say "Yes, we should..." and leave the restaurant.

I drive home belting out "I have decided to follow Jesus" along with the radio.  Smiling all the way because I love that this song just happen to be be playing.

I get home and text my friend.  I ask her about my idea for our next study at church.  She loves it.  We're set.  Yes!  Love it!

I finally sit down to relax...and hear my phone alert.  It was my girlfriend who happens to own her own Travel Agency - Time to Travel.  I had left a message for her earlier in the day. We talked for over an hour and ended with what I was looking for in a vacation.  We both promised to make it a priority to talk more often and the call ended.

While talking with her, I texted a few other girlfriends we both know and scheduled lunch with them.  We had been trying to pick a date.  Luckily, texting them that I was talking with her stirred some interest and we were able to decide.

After a while relaxing, I get inspired to write an email to all the Mary Kay ladies who impacted my life and helped put me on the path to transforming it into what it is today.  

Connections...you never know where life will take you or who you will meet along the way...everything truly is connected.

In the same way, even though we are many individuals, Christ makes us one body and individuals who are connected to each other.

Romans 12: 5 (GOD'S WORD® Translation) 

Silencing Yesterday

There are some days when I just feel like there is no going forward...that all I can do is look back.

You know...those days and moments when you look through old photos and remember things gone by, remember the good times you had...

Those times when the past lures you into believing that what ever it was was absolute perfection or really close to it.  

I'm guessing we've all had those thoughts at one point or another.  

Those times when you think your life will never be that good, never be the same, ever, ever again.  

Those times when the chatter in your head tells you that nothing will ever be as good as the time when...

But then you are snapped back to reality. 

Reality.  Yes, the here and now.  Today.  This moment. 

Not the past.  Not some time before.  

Today.  Right now.

It's so easy to look back and remember the good.  But there is a reason that the past is the past and there is a reason that there are people who are no longer in our lives.

I keep telling myself that there must be something really good coming along.  That there is something waiting for me around the next corner.

What other reason would the enemy keep tempting me to go backwards?  The only reason I can think of is that there is something pretty freakin' awesome around the next bend.

It's faith.  It's perseverance.  It's knowing without knowing.  Knowing and trusting.  Trusting without proof.

I just know that God would not lead me to where I'm at only to take me back into the life I had before.  But do I really know?  There are times when I don't know and actually start doubting.  Oh, how I hate to even admit that I start doubting.

But then I sort of slap myself in the face.  (not literally though)  I slap myself and tell myself that I must only trust.  That I must pray.  That I must turn to our one true God.  I must pray and I must ask God to show me the way.  I must ask Him to show me the way out of the blah I am in.  

I know that God has defeated the enemy with Jesus' broken body and blood.  And this is the knowledge which gives me the courage and strength to tell the enemy that he is not welcome here.  I tell the enemy that he can get the heck out of here and never come back...because I have the one true God on my side.  And with God on my side...I cannot be defeated!!!

Looking back does no good.  It does nothing good. 

Looking back stirs the chatterbox.  It stirs him and awakens him.  

I truly know in my heart that I have the greatest weapon which will render the advances of the chatterbox useless...God's word.  

It's through the power of the Holy Spirit and God's word that I will silence and defeat the chatterbox. 

Perspective Through Serving

So I'm sitting here listening to the sound of the clothes of a homeless man tumbling around in my dryer while the clothes of another homeless man spin in my washer....have just finished folding the clothes of a homeless mother and her seven year old son.

Talk about a profoundly humbling week...  

My church houses the homeless one week a year for ChristNet.  Our 30ish guests are provided meals, showers, beds, laundry service and friendship.

We have groups volunteer to help provide three meals per day - breakfast, bagged lunch and dinner.  We have volunteers doing laundry.  We have volunteers who stay overnight as chaperons. We have volunteers who provide prayer and friendship. ...and so much more.

I have the privilege of volunteering to help check in the guests Monday-Friday, as well as, do laundry several nights this week.

This week has definitely put things in perspective.  

We all have bad days.  We all think that our lives our tough.  But really, how "bad" do we have it?

Do we have... 
...a place to live?  
...a pillow and bed to sleep in?  
...a place to shower or bath as needed?
...a car to drive?  
...clean underwear and socks to wear everyday?
...a job to go to?
...a warm meal whenever?
...a little extra to splurge on things not truly "needed"?
...a phone, internet, cable, etc...to always be connected?

Is it really the end of the world...
...if we hit a traffic jam?  
...if the line at the store is slower than a turtle taking a nap?  
...if the brainiac at work has another brain fart?
...if it it snows more than an inch?
...You get the drift.

Life for the vast majority of us is pretty darn good.

Our perspective is influenced by our experiences.  

Our experiences shape our future. 

Humbly serving others is not only a privilege but also an honor.  Our feelings of love and compassion for others drive us to serve those in need.  

My future has been forever changed by this experience.

I am so very thankful for all I have been given and so very, very blessed to be able to serve with some really awesome, selfless people.

Ah, there goes the dryer.  Last load completed...gotta go fold clothes so they are fresh and clean and not wrinkled.

Waiting

I am in a funk.  I am blah.  I am lost.  I have no idea why.

I have so very many things going for me right now...

I have my health, my family, my friends, my job, my condo, my car, my faith...

There is no explanation for the funk.

Maybe I'm expecting some great miracle or revelation given the season?  

I honestly don't know.

It makes absolutely no sense.

I don't really "want" anything.

This funk I'm in...totally...makes...no...sense.

So, here I am listening to a podcast by Craig Groeschel.  It's resonating with me and I feel the need to share some things from it.

• God's delays in responding for what we ask for/pray about are not God's denial of those things. 
• Because He hasn't answered your prayer now, doesn't mean that He will not answer it.
• It could be a Divine Delay - it may not be now because He has to do something in us before he does something for us.
• During the wait, God gives us patience, teaches us to call on Him, to press into Him, to walk by faith and not by sight, to trust Him anyway, that His ways are higher than ours....
• Sometimes He has to do something in us before He does something through us.  Divine Delay.
• Sometimes He has to do something in us before He does something for us.  Divine Delay.
• If God always meets our expectations, then He would never have the opportunity to exceed them.
• A waiting season is not a wasted season.
• God works through situations we are in to be glorified by them.
• The things we want aren't always as good as the things God has planned for us.
• Our greatest disappointment may become the setting of God's greatest miracle for us which exceeds all of our expectations.

Check it out...it's totally worth the listen/watch:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAUE4PC0seM 

Sad to say, as good as it was, the podcast did nothing for my current state of being.

I'm still in a funk.  

I still have no clue what's next.

I still have no understanding of the place I am in.

But...

I truly know that God is with me.

I truly trust in God to bring me through this.

I truly know that this season is not wasted.

I truly know that God is busy doing some kind of work in me.

I truly know that my waiting is going to be worth it.