I'm sitting here on a Friday night...alone...and sad.
I don't want to be alone and my heart is breaking over and over again. Tears keep streaming down my face like an endless river going no where. Then the tears stop and I'm okay for a while. But then it starts back up again.
I don't like feeling like this. I don't like feeling sad and lonely and vunerable.
I want to call him...because I don't want to be alone...
But I won't...because I don't want to fall back into the same self destructing pattern.
For now, I'll just be alone and let my heart feel like it's breaking.
Added about an hour later: boy, I feel better...guess I just needed to get the bad stuff out...
Nevermind...breaking again... Bah! LOL!
Well, at least I can laugh about my yo-yo-ish breaking heart... Not really. :(
Friday, November 6, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Quickie!
Work, run, daughter...
Had a really nice evening tonight...first time in a long time my daughter and I hung out together!!!!! :) :) :)
I miss her!
Had a really nice evening tonight...first time in a long time my daughter and I hung out together!!!!! :) :) :)
I miss her!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Train Wreck
What a shit ass day.
I woke up in the middle of the night with a crying headache - took two aspirins and went back to bed. I suppose the extra glass of wine I had before I went to bed didn't help my aching head either. No need to get into details about the crying or the extra wine...let's just say I talked to a certain someone and all the tears that were pent up from the last couple weeks came pouring out.
So this morning I get up, feed the dogs and get ready to take a shower. I look in the mirror...it was like I had been hit by a train. Bags under my eyes, eyes all puffy, hair flying all over the place, make-up under the eyes... Scary.
I get into the office and the fun begins. Meetings, meetings and mo meetings. Two hot assignments due and I was freaking out because both weren't getting the attention they needed. I actually put some extra time in the office to get one of the assignments completed...phew! But the other assignment is still open and still has tons of holes in it...holes big enough for a train to drive through!
No running tonight...evening number two of no running. I was exhausted and didn't really have any motivation to run. Thank you Post Marathon Depression! Plus, I had a date with C. Sauvignon!!!! I think I am falling in love with C. Sauvignon...great body, puts me in a mellow mood every time we meet, wonderful aroma, comes from many cultures and is well traveled, sometimes surprising...oh, the list goes on... LOL!!! Sorry, couldn't help it...my warped sense of humor strikes again! ;P
I promise myself I'll run tomorrow. At least four miles...
Any who.
When I got home, someone had put my garbage cans in my backyard... Weird. Who would do that? And who would know which one to leave out so I could put it in the garage? Very Weird.
Dogs kept wanting out and then were barking two minutes later to come back in. Make up your minds already. They are now getting on each others nerves and are barking at each other as I type this.
My daughter got home, sits on the couch and starts crying. The Big A, which is what I call her boyfriend, text her that he just wants to be friends... Great... Of course, I'm the greatest role model when it comes to relationships...ugh! I felt bad for her and we started talking. Then he called and off she went to her room and hasn't been out since. I can still hear her on the phone from where I am sitting.
It's been one thing after another today...
I just feel like my day has been a complete train wreck.
I woke up in the middle of the night with a crying headache - took two aspirins and went back to bed. I suppose the extra glass of wine I had before I went to bed didn't help my aching head either. No need to get into details about the crying or the extra wine...let's just say I talked to a certain someone and all the tears that were pent up from the last couple weeks came pouring out.
So this morning I get up, feed the dogs and get ready to take a shower. I look in the mirror...it was like I had been hit by a train. Bags under my eyes, eyes all puffy, hair flying all over the place, make-up under the eyes... Scary.
I get into the office and the fun begins. Meetings, meetings and mo meetings. Two hot assignments due and I was freaking out because both weren't getting the attention they needed. I actually put some extra time in the office to get one of the assignments completed...phew! But the other assignment is still open and still has tons of holes in it...holes big enough for a train to drive through!
No running tonight...evening number two of no running. I was exhausted and didn't really have any motivation to run. Thank you Post Marathon Depression! Plus, I had a date with C. Sauvignon!!!! I think I am falling in love with C. Sauvignon...great body, puts me in a mellow mood every time we meet, wonderful aroma, comes from many cultures and is well traveled, sometimes surprising...oh, the list goes on... LOL!!! Sorry, couldn't help it...my warped sense of humor strikes again! ;P
I promise myself I'll run tomorrow. At least four miles...
Any who.
When I got home, someone had put my garbage cans in my backyard... Weird. Who would do that? And who would know which one to leave out so I could put it in the garage? Very Weird.
Dogs kept wanting out and then were barking two minutes later to come back in. Make up your minds already. They are now getting on each others nerves and are barking at each other as I type this.
My daughter got home, sits on the couch and starts crying. The Big A, which is what I call her boyfriend, text her that he just wants to be friends... Great... Of course, I'm the greatest role model when it comes to relationships...ugh! I felt bad for her and we started talking. Then he called and off she went to her room and hasn't been out since. I can still hear her on the phone from where I am sitting.
It's been one thing after another today...
I just feel like my day has been a complete train wreck.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
1 - 33
1. What is your occupation right now? Program Management Analyst...aka Adult Babysitter
2. What color are your socks right now? Brown
3. What are you listening to right now? My typing on the keyboard.
4. What was the last thing that you ate? Pretzels and chili con queso dip...I know, I know!
5. Can you drive a stick shift? Yuppers!
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Referral Coordinator at my Dr.
7. Do you like the person who sent this to you ? n/a...snagged from a friend's blog!
8. How old are you today? 42+++ and dang proud of it!!!!
9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? Ice Hockey
10. What is your favorite drink? Ravenswood Zin - red of course!
11. Have you ever dyed your hair? The folks I worked with years ago said I was like Baskin Robins...31 Hair Colors!
12. Favorite food? mexican~
13. What is the last movie you watched? Made of Honor
14. Favorite day of the year? Any day I don't have to work!
15. How do you vent anger? I let it all out and deal with the repercussions later.
16. What was your favorite toy as a child? Simon.
17. What is your favorite season? Spring
18. Cherries or Blueberries? Blueberries...YUM!
19. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? n/a
20. Who is the most likely to respond? Not asking anyone to respond per se.
21. Who is least likely to respond? See above.
22. Where do you live? Michigan...between Ann Arbor and Detroit
23. When was the last time you cried? Maybe yesterday
25. Who is the friend you had the longest that you are sending this to? N/A since I am not sending this.
26. What did you do last night? Ran, ate, watched tv, surfed the web.
27. What are you most afraid of? growing old alone.
28. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? YUK~ No beef for me!
29. Favorite breed of dog? Urrr...Ummm... Okay, Siberian Huskies!
30. Favorite day of the week? Saturday
31. How many states have you lived in? One.
32. Diamonds or pearls? Diamond, my birthstone!
33 . What is your favorite flower? Lavender or Lilacs...
2. What color are your socks right now? Brown
3. What are you listening to right now? My typing on the keyboard.
4. What was the last thing that you ate? Pretzels and chili con queso dip...I know, I know!
5. Can you drive a stick shift? Yuppers!
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Referral Coordinator at my Dr.
7. Do you like the person who sent this to you ? n/a...snagged from a friend's blog!
8. How old are you today? 42+++ and dang proud of it!!!!
9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? Ice Hockey
10. What is your favorite drink? Ravenswood Zin - red of course!
11. Have you ever dyed your hair? The folks I worked with years ago said I was like Baskin Robins...31 Hair Colors!
12. Favorite food? mexican~
13. What is the last movie you watched? Made of Honor
14. Favorite day of the year? Any day I don't have to work!
15. How do you vent anger? I let it all out and deal with the repercussions later.
16. What was your favorite toy as a child? Simon.
17. What is your favorite season? Spring
18. Cherries or Blueberries? Blueberries...YUM!
19. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? n/a
20. Who is the most likely to respond? Not asking anyone to respond per se.
21. Who is least likely to respond? See above.
22. Where do you live? Michigan...between Ann Arbor and Detroit
23. When was the last time you cried? Maybe yesterday
25. Who is the friend you had the longest that you are sending this to? N/A since I am not sending this.
26. What did you do last night? Ran, ate, watched tv, surfed the web.
27. What are you most afraid of? growing old alone.
28. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? YUK~ No beef for me!
29. Favorite breed of dog? Urrr...Ummm... Okay, Siberian Huskies!
30. Favorite day of the week? Saturday
31. How many states have you lived in? One.
32. Diamonds or pearls? Diamond, my birthstone!
33 . What is your favorite flower? Lavender or Lilacs...
Monday, November 2, 2009
Day 2
Today is day two of National Bloggers Posting Month. I signed up to post one entry every day for a month. See the little badge on the side of my page??? So this means you're stuck reading my gibberish every freakin' day this month! Bwahahahaha!
Not really sure what I want to write about today as I sit here with a heating pad on my shoulder/neck.
For the last week or so I've been looking for a black suit type jacket that I bought while in Germany a couple years ago. I loved that jacket...it was great to wear with jeans over a cami...
Yes, I said "loved". Today I found out that my ex-boyfriend's daughter hacked the jacket into some freakin' Michael Jackson pedophile wanna be jacket! Unfreakin' real!!!!!
I will never find a jacket like that one again! Not only was it "cool". But it was "Euro Sue" cool! And it was lined and only $9 EU!
My Euro jacket was massacred and turned into a pedophile tragedy!
Sorry to all the MJ lovers out there...but personal opinion...
Any who...
Ran three miles this evening. Even with my lime green fluorescent safety vest folks still seemed oblivious. It's amazing how many people just blow passed stop signs and barely yield.
Heck, I almost got hit by a church goer this weekend. The old lady turned left onto a side street I was running passed and almost hit me. Like withing 5 ft! I was running against on-coming traffic (which runners are supposed to do to be safe) and on the sidewalk and wearing a bright blue shirt...HELLO! She came up behind me from out of no where and actually had the balls to glare at me before slamming on the brakes and then scooting forward again! I called her a "c" under my breath as I ran up onto the sidewalk. WTF?
I have this theory that people are idiots. And it was proven once again!
Ah well...it's getting to be about that time and my eyelids are getting heavy.
Catch ya again tomorrow!
Not really sure what I want to write about today as I sit here with a heating pad on my shoulder/neck.
For the last week or so I've been looking for a black suit type jacket that I bought while in Germany a couple years ago. I loved that jacket...it was great to wear with jeans over a cami...
Yes, I said "loved". Today I found out that my ex-boyfriend's daughter hacked the jacket into some freakin' Michael Jackson pedophile wanna be jacket! Unfreakin' real!!!!!
I will never find a jacket like that one again! Not only was it "cool". But it was "Euro Sue" cool! And it was lined and only $9 EU!
My Euro jacket was massacred and turned into a pedophile tragedy!
Sorry to all the MJ lovers out there...but personal opinion...
Any who...
Ran three miles this evening. Even with my lime green fluorescent safety vest folks still seemed oblivious. It's amazing how many people just blow passed stop signs and barely yield.
Heck, I almost got hit by a church goer this weekend. The old lady turned left onto a side street I was running passed and almost hit me. Like withing 5 ft! I was running against on-coming traffic (which runners are supposed to do to be safe) and on the sidewalk and wearing a bright blue shirt...HELLO! She came up behind me from out of no where and actually had the balls to glare at me before slamming on the brakes and then scooting forward again! I called her a "c" under my breath as I ran up onto the sidewalk. WTF?
I have this theory that people are idiots. And it was proven once again!
Ah well...it's getting to be about that time and my eyelids are getting heavy.
Catch ya again tomorrow!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
PMD
Seems I'm not so crazy after all and there is such a thing as Post Marathon Depresssion aka PMD! Ha! Ha! and Ha! Okay, okay, so most of the articles say the same thing...but it explains a lot to me.
I did it. I ran 26.2 miles. I accomplished something I didn't think I could do. Now What? That's what the articles say and that's exactly what I've been thinking. Now what?
I suppose the final break-up of Paul and I isn't helping my mood or my motivation. I really do not like being single. I know it hasn't been that long...but I miss sharing my life, my day, my "everything" with someone. Don't get me wrong, I love my "me" time...but all the time??? Guess I'm feeling a bit lonely...
It also explains me peetering out at about 2 miles during my runs. I'm just wiped out! Granted most of my runs have been 3 - 5 miles and most at an under 9 minute mile pace, but OMG, I feel like I'm just exhausted when I'm done.
So, from what the articles say, I should have another two and a half weeks of feeling like this. Which I, suppose, is why my post marathon training schedule is set up the way it is.
Ah ha! Things are making sense now...
Guess I just have to be patient and let the PMD run it's course (ha, no pun intended!)...
I did it. I ran 26.2 miles. I accomplished something I didn't think I could do. Now What? That's what the articles say and that's exactly what I've been thinking. Now what?
I suppose the final break-up of Paul and I isn't helping my mood or my motivation. I really do not like being single. I know it hasn't been that long...but I miss sharing my life, my day, my "everything" with someone. Don't get me wrong, I love my "me" time...but all the time??? Guess I'm feeling a bit lonely...
It also explains me peetering out at about 2 miles during my runs. I'm just wiped out! Granted most of my runs have been 3 - 5 miles and most at an under 9 minute mile pace, but OMG, I feel like I'm just exhausted when I'm done.
So, from what the articles say, I should have another two and a half weeks of feeling like this. Which I, suppose, is why my post marathon training schedule is set up the way it is.
Ah ha! Things are making sense now...
Guess I just have to be patient and let the PMD run it's course (ha, no pun intended!)...
Motivation Please!
Seems I'm not too motivated for running these days. The marathon is done and every run I've had since has seemed slow and torturous. I'm not sure what has gotten into me. I have to force myself to go out and run...ugh!
I've heard there is a post marathon depression. I think I'm in it.
My next race is 21Nov, then on Turkey Day...then maybe the Martian Marathon (or half marathon depending on how winter training goes) in April 2010.
All I know is that....I need some running motivation....pa-lease!
I've heard there is a post marathon depression. I think I'm in it.
My next race is 21Nov, then on Turkey Day...then maybe the Martian Marathon (or half marathon depending on how winter training goes) in April 2010.
All I know is that....I need some running motivation....pa-lease!
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